Posts from 3rd October 2005

3
Oct 05

Daily Mail Tim Lovejoy Witch-hunt

TMFDPost a comment • 1,925 views

Don’t ask what I was doing on the Daily Mail website. Actually, do ask. I was sent a link by long term Daily Mail reader Dave Boyle (HELLO GOOGLE!) about the rightful punishment of some football yobbo or other. While there I stumbled across a vendetta brewing regarding the age of Tim Lovejoy, the presenter of Soccer AM.

He is 37. And therefore a little bit too old to be accusing a 41 year old of being as old as his nan. So Barry of the Daily Mail Sports Blog believes. I smell a Kate Moss sized witch-hunt brewing.

Land Of The Brain Dead

Do You SeePost a comment • 329 views

But it isn’t. What is the most frightening thing about zombies. And that’s George Romero’s zombies, not the fast sort you see in remakes. Is it the shambling incessant nature of their attack. Is it the horror of them ripping the flesh from the bones of the living. Is it the poor make-up? Or is it that this braindead hulk of flesh-eating shambles used to be us, and could well be what we turn into?

It is the latter, and all the implied satire of a zombie flick cannot overwhelm the transformative aspect of zombieism: losing our faculties and being reduced to our base desires. Perhaps Romero’s Land Of The Dead understands this, which is why it is not all that scary. But the slow birth of intelligence in his zombies, just like the smarts in the sharks in Deep Blue Sea actually make the creatures less frightening. Sure they work out how to attack the city, they work out how to use guns. But is a zombie with a gun really more scary that a zombie coming at you with his broken fingernails and teeth. Nope.

But then Romero’s zombie films were never all that scary anyway. Land Of The Dead ends with the hero and his souped up lorry (its a rubbish plot device) letting a whole load of zombies go. They can think, they can reason, do they deserve a right to live? More importantly what do they remember? Are they really brainless zombies any more, or with reasoning comes personality, comes rights.

THE FT TOP 23 UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA: 18: BLACK DOGGS!

Blog 71 comment • 665 views

The story of apparitional animals is much more than just ghost riders in the sky and ghoulish horsemen riding their horse and coaches to Wycoller! The most prevalent animal boggart has always tended to be the Black Dog, with Grimm-bros saucers or dinner plates for eyes, snarling on a country byroad at innocent (sheeyah!) PASSERSBY. My home county of Lancashire tends to be much more famous for White Ladies and Headless Monks, as a reminder of Lancashire’s illicit Roman Catholic activities in Ye Days Ov Olde where depending on your gullibility you’d believe every ginnel used to house outlawed catholic priests and each corner shop contained at LEAST fifty priest holes. But the most famous ghost that belonged to my own small village, by my time changed out of all recognition from it’s most haunted time due to wartime development, was Warton’s BLACK DOG!!11, who may have come from Boggart House, a HAUNTED HOUSE in the 1930s rumoured to have been inhabited by shipwreckers. The Black Dog haunted the night, growling at passers by, and I have it on good authority that the Hound of the Baskerville’s was said to be “shitting himself” at the mere THORT.

Unfortunately, since the coming of sodding gert big aircraft factories and airforce bases in the 40s bringing new open roads and traffic through the village, Warton’s Black Dog has been in retirement. Locals are now free to wander the streets after night with their cans of Luny Super with the fear of the ghastly howling spectre far from their minds. However, if they would take note of events in Manchester, they might rest a little less secure; the White Dog of that area was later made out to be a lion escaped from Belle Vue, although what the fvck a Lion was doing there, no-one knows…

However, one thing that Warton’s Black Dog never managed to achieve was it’s own POME. My supplementary text for this report however includes a local poet’s tribute to Baum Rabbit, Rochdale’s ghostly white bunny rabbit said to be ‘immune to Gun Shot and Pellet’. The poem in full is below, for easily spooked bunnyphobes.

Confound that rabbit
I wish some chap would grab it,
And stop it’s nightly habit, confound that rabbit!

Confound it’s head and eyes,
Confound it’s leg and thighs,
Confound it otherwise, confound that rabbit!

Dogs, rush out and squeeze him!
Worry, toss and tase him
That is, if you can seize him, confound that rabbit!

The name of the poet in question is sadly missing from my source, but if it were up to me, I’d be post-humously awarding a Turner Prize as I type.

SPOOKY EH???

WHO REVIEWS #8

The Brown WedgePost a comment • 251 views

EVOLUTION by John Peel, featuring the Fourth Doctor (w00+!), Sarah-Jane Smith, Rudyard Kipling. Arthur Canon-Doyle and A FERAL HOUND

‘Someone is tampering with the fabric of the human cell’, the Doctor said darkly, ‘perverting it’s secrets to his own purposes’.

No book with features a FERAL HOUND can be a bad book. Think about it. There’s Hound of the Baskervilles, er… the adventures of Spot and Jane and er… oh I can’t think of any others at the moment but I’m sure there’s tonnes AND THEY ARE ALL GREBT. Feral hounds! Black dogs! Eyes like blazing dinner plates, lumiferous aether travelling in their wake, teeth tearing at unresisting human flesh, MARVELLOUS. This adventure starts with the TARDIS materialising in Devon Moorland, where they immediately encounter a huge feral hound being pursued by the Lord of the local Manor and a mysterious companion. Smoothly, the Doctor gains the confidence of the House, and finds that things in the village aren’t as idyllic as they should be; children have gone missing, fishermen have been pulled from their boats and mutilated and Ship’s Surgeon Doyle has been called in the capacity of a pre-Grissom era CSI pathologist.

The Doctor dons a deerstalker hat and then teams up with Doyle to investigate the mutilations whilst Sarah looks into the case of the missing children. All paths end up leading to the local captain of industry, with a super human rights history – but who is the mysterious companion of the Lord of the Manor who always appears to be lurking in the background? Joining forces with village urchins, the Doctor and Doyle find a macabre scheme to change human evolution with the aid of some looted Rutan salve, while Sarah and Rudyard Kipling face terrifying levels of innuendo – oh, and there’s something about fusing Sarah with a baby seal too – all for the best if you ask me, after Sarah’s silly screaming in the prior TV adventure to this The Brain of Morbius…. but AHEM.

Unlike the previous two Missing Adventures reviewed, Evolution is much more of a ripping yarn with extra historical characters – the late involvement of alien properties is just that, the story is insistently that of humanity and it’s attempts to meld it to fir their own desires, no matter what the cost. While remaining a well-told story, it never really feels like a Dr Who story, which is especially odd given this author is the one behind the very first Who adventure, reviewed back in the mists of time by a certain Mr…. Dan… Pe… perr…? Oh, I don’t bloody know anymore.

8 transmogrified canines out of 10!!!

State of Fact

The Brown WedgePost a comment • 289 views

Jenny Holzer’s latest project continues her move from texts written by herself to texts written by other people.

This time, for a few weeks in New York, she is scrolling excerpts from Abu Gharib Pentagon Reports, the 9/11 commission Report, and various poets; this scrolling occurs high up on various famous sky scrapers and is paid for by, among others the National Endowment for the Arts.

It strikes me as symbolic that Holzer is being paid to criticism capitalism, by capitalists on capitalist landmarks. I am not sure if this negates or deepens her institutional critique.