Oct 04

Party Fears 22

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Party Fears 22

1. No-one will come.
2. In my fear about no-one coming I’ve invited too many people. Now too many people will come.
3. They’ll get mugged on the way and it will be my fault.
4. In my fear about too many people coming I have missed loads of people I want to invite off the list, and when they hear about the party they’ll be offended.
5. Nobody judges how much they will drink at a party properly. Too few of these improper judgements err on the side of bringing along too much.
6. My party will run out of booze at precisely 11.01.
7. I can’t afford the ’100 I’ve spent on booze reserves and will be skint for the rest of the month.
8. I’ve spent ’100 on the wrong kind of booze.
9. I haven’t warned the new downstairs neighbours, but it should be alright because it’s a Friday night.
10. The new neighbours will turn out to be people who have to be up at four in the morning for some socially-crucial work and must not be disturbed under any circumstances.
11. I have dropped the new neighbours a note to warn them that there might be a bit of noise on Friday night but I was twinged by a pang of guilt so mentioned that they could pop up to the party if they wanted to. They might decide to come.
12. The new neighbours might decide to come and bring knives.
13. What kinds of things do people eat at parties? Aren’t they all completely horrible and naff? But I haven’t got time to make anything, or for that matter to go to any shops which might sell anything decent. Anyway I’ve already shelled ’100 on booze. Doritos and hummus then.
14. Doritos and hummus will turn out to be impossible to get out of my new carpet.
15. All the sadboys will spend all night looking at my record collection and sneering.
16. All the sadboys will spend all night looking at my record collection appreciatively and select entirely inappropriate records.
17. The people who don’t already know each other won’t talk and they’ll stay in their little cliques and wish they’d just gone to the pub where at least the music is decent.
18. The people who don’t already know each other will talk and will hate each other and there’ll be a big fight.
19. The people who don’t already know each other will talk about me and I will be exposed.
20. In the morning my flat will look like some kind of landfill site turned inside-out and topped with a garnish of cigbutts.
21. In the morning my hangover will be such that even looking at my landfill-ashtray flat will make me retch.
22. No-one will want to come to my next party.

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