Formicophilia is a fetish involving having bugs and worms crawling all over one’s body. For some reason, the few case histories concerning this have been reports from predominantly Buddhist countries. Perhaps investing all my savings in exporting ‘squish’ films to Thailand was a stupid idea. However, I could recoup the money by visiting the local shrine and advertising my flat as a commercial sex emporium, as I still can’t figure out where all the goddamn fruit flies are coming from, even though I’ve sprayed so much pesticide in there that I can’t even see out the window. ‘Squish’ films are often dismissed as an aesthetic cul-de-sac but in my opinion there are still avenues to explore. Perhaps featuring parasitic worms whose eggs hatch in the stars’ bodies at the moment of climax? There’s a vending machine on my street that dispenses flies and maggots for the canal fishermen. Maybe they should open up a whole store, put a red light in the window, and call it ‘Master Bait’. For the moment I’ll stick to popping bubblewrap, but then, I’m more repressed than most people.