Fat Man Campaign Update

– 53 people have signed the petition so far, a groundswell of popular opinion we are confident will prove impossible for the martinets at Tadcaster to ignore.

– We are writing to the mayor of Aying, the small town in the Bavarian Alps that gives the Fat Man its proper name, to inform him of this cultural catastrophe. Sam Smiths so-called ‘rebranding’ won’t seem so clever when it’s caused a major diplomatic incident.

– We note with interest a wider cultural dimension to the disappearance of our big-boned plastic chum. The Government launched some Keep Fit initiative yesterday, and we also learned that wily continentals are stealing our pork fat for their sick rites. We at Jolly German HQ say “Hmmmmm”.