11
Apr 02

…I’D NEVER GET LAID

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…I’D NEVER GET LAID

Blink 182 the soundtrack for date rape? Hardly. “First Date,” their latest single, is nowhere near as insidious; it’s nothing more than the backing music for That Guy. You know, the one with style for inches and inches — so much style that he can’t remember to zip up his fly and wash his hair.

You know That Guy – he’s in his brother’s Camaro, “First Date” comes on the radio, and That Guy will yawn, and stretch, and put his arms around the girl of his dreams. And, unbeknownst to him, said Dream Girl will be making out with the captain of the football team, leaving his lips to savor the gentle caress of a well-scrubbed commode, a makeshift speedo plumbing the depths of his crack, and a set of teeth Shane McGowan wouldn’t envy. (Back to the inflatable doll, boyo.)

Now, really, if you’re looking for the ideal date rape soundtrack (…), you want a bunch of party-hearty tunes with good beats that you can dance to (skeevy lyrical content optional). Stuff like “Party Hard”, “South Side”, or “The Next Episode” fits the bill all too well – all of them possess that intangible insidiousness, going from A to B in that confident manner that typifies the gait of a movie slasher pursuing the non-virginal co-ed.

In this light, wanton crap like Custom’s “Hey Mister” is perfect, geared specifically for that date-rape demographic. “Hey, mister, I really like your,” pause, “daughter / I’d like to eat her like ice cream / maybe dip her in chocolate.” Speaking these words in a voice dirty phone callers would avoid (too over-the-top, they’d say, panting) only helps in digging out the niche. What we have here is the undiluted essence of every undersexed grunge / metal-rap / emo / rap song, the sound of unchecked testosterone blasting through the back of a car, all that rage and force compacted into one simple insistent misogynistic pulse. Over. And over. And over.

Of course, the ever-vigilant MTV has decided to not air the video, claiming it’s “pedophilic and offensive to women”. Custom says they’re missing the point:

“The girls like the voice saying she’s not a tramp if she likes to [have sex]. It’s OK … that doesn’t mean she’s a slut. I’m not saying there’s a profound positive feminist message in the song, but at least it’s thought-provoking.”

Yeah, he’s right. I’m thinking that he has absolutely no idea what’s he wrought. He should know better than appeal to our intelligence – when you’re talking about unbridled, irresponsible screwing, the last thing you want to do is THINK.

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