May 07

Tanya’s Army Of Awfulness: WARRANT (OFFICER) – Cherry Pie

FT + I Hate Music6 comments • 8,884 views

warrant.jpg“Damn fine Cherry Pie”. Such was Agent Smith’s catch phrase in David Lynch whacked-out-a-thon Twin Peaks. (A TV show responsible for not only Julee Cruise’s aural mogadon “Falling” but THE ENTIRITY OF MOBY’S CAREER – so Lynch is not on my Christmas card list). Clearly Agent Smith was talking about an actually Cherry Pie, and not this archetypal slice of hair metal by Warrant. Because there are plenty of words that describe this record, but Damn Fine are not amongst them*.

Some days the articles write themselves. Look at these attractive young men. Imagine what the Drill Sergeant in Full Metal Jacket would have to say to them. One imagines he would not have been overly pleased to see this five rock (literally) up in his platoon to be knocked into some sort of shape. One would assume the shape would no longer have such big hair after a bit – and looking at Warrant after the clippers have been at them would be quite entertaining. As longs as I had ear-plugs in.

cherry-pie.jpgCherry Pie is a song with clever double entendre lyrics which was a big hit in the US. In an uncharacteristic pique of good taste, the British public rejected this single. Perhaps because we found the casual sexism to be unpalatable, but more likely because it is absolute shite. Rocking out in a way which would only convince if you had only ever seen Bon Jovi in your life, Warrant used so much hairspray that they were a walking Hindenberg disaster waiting to happen. All it would take is a feminist – or indeed me – to attack them with a single match and they would go up in smoke, taking with them the brains which invented such lyrics as: She “She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater”

Before you give them the benefit of the doubt that this might be about making a pie, look at that single cover again. And then note that the Cherry Pie in question is not an actually pie, but the lady in question. A lady who, surprisingly, i have something in common with. One of the key things bout Ms Cherry Pie the boys from Warrant note is that “Taste so good she makes a grown man cry”. Now I cannot testify to how I taste, but I certainly know how to make a grown man cry. With a knuckle duster.

*If you want to you can perm between any of these words:
Rubbish, Terrible, Stinky, Embarrassing, Misogynistic, Sexist, Shocking-like-a-4V-battery, hairy, greasy, pompous, over-inflated.


  1. 1
    jel on 11 May 2007 #

    It’s one of the best songs ever written!!!!!!!!

  2. 2
    Kat on 13 May 2007 #

    Er Tanya, not wanting to rain on yr opening paragraph or nowt but there isn’t an Agent Smith in Twin Peaks as far as I know…

  3. 3
    Tanya on 14 May 2007 #

    Agent Smith / Agent Cooper. Frankly do you think I was even AWAKE after that Julee Cruise Missile of Tedium that was the theme tune?

    And also watch Kyle MacLachlan makes me think of his appaling turn as Ray Manzarek in The Doors movie. Watching him write Light My Fire is an encapsulation of all that is wrong EVER in Rockumentaries. (That and the music).

  4. 4
    staggerlee on 5 Jun 2007 #

    Oh, for feck’s sake. If you’re going to waste words dumping on this, I know about a band called Fish In A Barrel that need a blast from your shitgun (whoops, typo, but I’ll give it a [sic]).

  5. 5
    Tanya on 5 Jun 2007 #

    Been there. Seen it. Done it. (Sort of).


  6. 6
    Patrick Mexico on 15 Apr 2013 #

    You want Warrant? You want Twin Peaks? Well, if you want it, you’ve got it..


    Ferilyn Shenn and Kyle Anzi-Makhackhakahakhala deserve better.

    The modern day equivalent would be giving Zooey Deschanel an orange spraytan and stick-on eyebrows.

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