Sep 03


I Hate Music43 comments • 14,016 views

There was some bloke who recently wrote a book about television programmes. Not my idea of fun, but a much more respectable job than writing about pop music in the positive. However as part of this tome he decided to subject himself to a comparative job of working out what the best theme song ever was.

To which I would always reply the TV show without a theme song. Unfortunately there have not been many of them. Still I would not have committed myself to the stupid task to start off with. This fella (like I say, I forget his name due to excessive consumption of my new favourite drink Tonic’n’Gin) managed to raise the hackles of the amassed tabloid press by picking some ridiculous show about a horse of some such nonsense in the sixties. Where, they all clamoured, was the theme tune to Only Fools And Horses?

Shall I tell you. It was in the bin where John Sullivan should have left it in the first place. Those of you who are not aware of this, the UK’s most beloved comedy program, it is the everyday tale of a nasty, pernicious villain and his idiot brother who week in week out try to swindle people of their money whilst dropping lovable cockney catchphrases. If you were being charitable you could call it Crimewatch UK with jokes – except Crimewatch UK generally has better jokes. And it has a theme tune in which a sullen cockney voice intones the key points about swindlous trading: “no income tax, no V.A.T, No money back, No guarantee”. The line missing from this song is obviously no bloody quality either.

People who did not turn off the moment the song came on were often lulled into the assumption that the piss poor vocals had to be done by Nicholas Lyndhurst, star of said TV programme belov’d for his gormless voice, expression and existence. In truth it was the writer of the song, who was also the writer of the show illustrating his vibrant personality. The idea that a colloquialism for the life of a conman and a French expression could rhyme could only spring from the well-font of an imagination that thinks someone falling behind a bar is the funniest thing ever. “C’est magnifique – Hooky Street!

Worse still was the fact that there were actually two theme tunes to the show (presumably Sullivan thought he could stretch this to an A-side and a B-side rather than the more apt up his own backside). Why do only fools and horse work? So they can afford to go to the pub and not sit at home watching and listening to claptrap like this.


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  1. 31
    Old Fart!!! on 26 Jul 2007 #

    It’s most amusing to watch a bunch of humourless cretins charge a hilariously obvious pisstake with not understanding the true nature of comedy!!!!!!!!!

    And no, I’m not American!!!!! I have a brain for a start!!!!!!!!

  2. 32
    Marcello Carlin on 26 Jul 2007 #

    Wait a minute…Del Boy…D.B…is this David Baddiel? No wonder he doesn’t understand comedy!

  3. 33
    stoneman on 17 Aug 2007 #

    You’re having a giraffe, Only Fools and Horses is by far and away one of the best British comedy programmes ever.

    Mange tout, my son, mange tout!

  4. 34
    craig davis on 10 Oct 2007 #

    u stupid fuking idiot!! how dare you trash the funnyest programme of all time u little fat loser!!! if you dont find it funny you actually deserve to be shot!! oh yeah the theme tune is great as well i really couldnt care what you fink either twat

  5. 35
    jem omer on 3 Dec 2007 #

    this guy is a total brat!!! anyway does anyone know thw name of the theme tune or were i could download it from??

  6. 36
    joe on 29 Apr 2008 #

    Yeah you must be a fucking yank cunt to have that much of a single minded bland view on an amazing classic comedy, just because its british and your tiny little mind doesnt understand comedy unless its paris and nicole fucking around on a farm somewhere.

    and its gin and tonic, loser… we invented that too, fancy laying into that aswell?

  7. 37
    johno on 23 Jul 2008 #

    only a bloody yank… im not even british and i love the show so fuck the bitch !!! AND i actualy smaak the tunes so up urs

  8. 38
    Si on 12 Oct 2008 #

    Grow a brain you fucking idiot. If u cannot understand a comment on our country by way of a comedy you ought to do us all a favour and fuck right off.

  9. 39
    Syd on 5 Feb 2009 #

    My God!!! Is that how us British ntalk to other people just because they [dare] to critisize a program. Ther are HUNDREDS of past shows that I hate. That is the TRUE meaning of D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y!!! Also you half wits. If you consider that swaering is WITTY, yes it is…it is the LOWEST form of wit…i.e this makes you guilty people WITLESS….Nuff Said

  10. 40
    Haris on 5 Feb 2009 #

    Love the show, love the song one of the best shows ever. Even today when I get opportunity to watch reruns I’ll choose that over most new shows.

  11. 41
    SAGE SAGE on 6 Mar 2009 #

    I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said “you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air”

  12. 42
    If I had a list, you'd be on it. on 30 May 2009 #


    Either, you;ve never seen the show, or you’re a moron. I’m going to lean towards the later, considering your comments on one of the best theme tunes of all time.

  13. 43
    del boy on 2 Oct 2009 #

    stupid cunt

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