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Jun 00

DANCE MUSIC

I Hate Music13 comments • 1,477 views

DANCE MUSIC

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom – the dopplered sound of a souped up GTi hurtling down any road anywhere – Eee’d up, trendy sunglasses, and ultimately, a Ben Sherman shirt clad member of the Unofficial War Against Guitars army. A speaker on wheels, heading towards the Judge Jules extravaganza in a sweat-filled dance pit, with similarly eee’d up passengers all listening to sounds akin to the Luftwaffe bombing Coventry. Possibly heading to Coventry. Possibly not.

One “song” (and I use the term loosely) flows into another without any regard for ending the first one. For all I know, it could still be the same song playing at the end of a night that was playing at the beginning. From that GTi, every dance song sounds the same. This ubiquity of dance music is reflected in the ubiquity of the club goers. I am on a mission to find the fucking factory where they breed these people and flatten the fucker with a huge bouncer from hell.

Maybe I don’t understand dance culture – maybe my mind was turned by going to too many raves. Maybe I didn’t do enough drugs. Maybe I don’t like the sound of a fucking car alarm going off whil people dance round it. Maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe it actually is pure shite. Maybe its a conspiracy. Maybe.

Dance music is evil. It is Satan’s spunk gone mouldy in the corner of Hades. It is the serial killer of music. It is annoying. It is more generic than empty space. It’s not big, and it’s not clever. It’s easy to make, and can make you a fucking fortune. While others spend their musical lives pissing in the wind for large parts, you get these musical charlatans hitting drum machines, and letting computers do most of the work and making a million in no time at all. It pisses me off.

Without sounding bitter….well, sounding bitter alot actually….it is a more evil form of musical expression than farting the hits of the seventies through a loudspeaker outside an old peoples home. It is more evil than getting Engelburt Humperdinck to front a death metal band. It is more evil than telling an eight year old boy that santa doesn’t exist…….a week before Christmas.

I hate dance music. Dance music probably hates me, but I don’t care. I don’t need friends like dance music. Meanwhile, it appears that there is more than one of those fucking factories……

Comments

  1. 1
    Sim on 13 Mar 2007 #

    I agree man

  2. 2
    josh on 4 Apr 2008 #

    i understand your hate. i’m a DJ but i love other music too. it’s just that i enjoy finding out what make people dance. i’ve loved and appreciated jazz, latin and all the varying forms of rock/metal for a long time. and i’ve had musical education since i was 5.

    just trying to tell you that not all danceheads are complete factory idiots that use drum machines.

    ps. if you could, maybe you could e-mail me more of your thoughts.

  3. 3
    Ben Lowe on 22 Jul 2008 #

    i think u need to get a life i hate metal all the moaning and groaning and wanting to cut ya self up thats shit not saying rock shit i like rock rolling stones coldplay( i no their indie but dance music get the women moving and horny and if u listen to the beat its not the same the bass is pure bass at 1000 watts a spearker its going to go boom fuking boom dick

  4. 4
    Marcello on 22 Feb 2009 #

    Music is music. Not all dance music is “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom.”

    Have you ever listened to a good drum and bass mix? Have you ever listened to the way the mix is done properly, the way the pattern works, have you felt the larger rhythm, have you read the crowd? Have you felt the musical orgasm when you drop that perfect track? Have you heard the crowd suddenly scream when they hear the magic of the music? When the perfect moment arrives? When the hands are in the air, and you know it’s because of you? And then you are done and on the dancefloor, and know the next guy is feeling the same thing?

  5. 5
    siborg79 on 18 Jun 2009 #

    yes i also hate dance music it sucks arse

  6. 6
    pete tong on 31 Aug 2009 #

    some dirty stinking grebo, looser that everyone hated at school screaming in a demonic voice down a mic? yes, thats good music. u fucking retard. there is a whole island dedicated to dance music…its called ibiza, and it draws millons of people from all over the world every year. what has rock music got? erm, a dirty filed somewhere in somerset…wow!…not.have you ever even listened to a pro DJ mix? you have no idea how much practise and skill goes in to mixing 2 records together. and what do you mean. BOOM BOOM BOOM from a GTI? i am not a chav, dont own a boy racers car, and happen to love dance music.

    Industrial DnB
    Industrial metal
    Industrial rock
    Industrial techno
    Japanoise
    Martial industrial
    Neofolk
    Hyperjinx
    Noise
    Power noise
    Jungle/Drum and bass
    Clownstep
    Darkcore
    Darkstep
    Drumfunk
    Hardstep
    Intelligent drum and bass
    Jump-Up
    Liquid funk
    Neurofunk
    Raggacore
    Sambass
    Techstep
    Trancestep
    Rock/Punk influenced electronic music
    Alternative dance
    Cyber metal
    Dance-punk
    Dark Wave
    Digital hardcore
    Electroclash
    Electro rock
    Electropunk
    Ethereal Wave
    Royal Wave
    Clivestep
    Industrial rock
    Industrial metal
    New Rave
    Sugar Me Do
    New Wave
    Synthpop
    Progressive rock
    Synthpunk
    Techno
    Acid techno
    Detroit techno
    Free tekno
    Free thapaedos
    Ghettotech
    IDM
    Jtek
    Minimal
    New beat
    Nortec
    UK Yaffel
    Schranz
    Tech house
    Tech trance
    Techno-DNB
    Techstep
    Trance
    The Old Heave Ho
    Wonky techno
    Yorkshire Techno
    Tetley Trance
    Acid trance
    Ambient trance
    Classic trance
    Dream trance
    Euro-trance
    Hard trance
    Hardstyle
    Nu-NRG
    Mr Big
    Progressive trance
    Tech trance
    Uplifting trance
    Vocal trance
    Post-disco
    Dutty Free
    Alternative Dance
    Boogie
    Club/Dance
    Chicago house
    (C)rup
    Dance-pop
    Dance-rock
    Electro
    Electro-grime
    Grime
    House
    Italo Disco
    Techno
    Psychedelic trance/Goa trance
    Dark psy
    Full on
    Nitzhonot
    Iznogoud
    Uplifting
    Psyprog
    Psybient
    Pagbuss
    Psybreaks
    Psy vs Psy
    Sea Bounce
    South African psytrance
    Suomisaundi
    Nu rave
    Hardcore breaks
    Rave breaks
    Jungle techno
    Da Pipes
    Chiptune
    8-bit
    Bitpop
    Demoscene music
    Nintendocore
    NyLon
    Picopop
    Game Boy music
    Gamewave
    Oldschool jungle
    Pif Paf Poof
    Darkcore
    Drum and bass
    Ragga-jungle
    Intelligent jungle
    Darkside jungle

    that isnt even half of the different sub genres of dance music…

    with rock music you have, erm…heavy metal (some dirty stinking reject shouting down a mic). or…well thats it.

    its also not like DJ’s/ ravers are mind numbingly thick either. for example, judge jules has a masters degree in law…

    dance music is what we all go to clubs for on the weeknds, to , well, dance. meet girls/boys, party , have a good time. go to a rock concert and get covered in some long grebos hair sweat. woop! get crushed in a mosh pit…Amazing!

    so at the end of the dan…stick to your metal, because in a few years its going to be dead. YES!

    dick head

  7. 7
    byebyepride on 1 Sep 2009 #
  8. 8
    Matt DC on 1 Sep 2009 #

    You left donk off your list.

  9. 9
    Alan on 1 Sep 2009 #

    “UK Yaffel
    Pagbuss”

    wot not charliemousebient? madeleinecore?

  10. 10
    Steve Mannion on 1 Sep 2009 #

    bagpuss mice = original Blackout Crew

  11. 11
    Alan on 1 Sep 2009 #

    there are also about six pokemon in that list

  12. 12
    CarsmileSteve on 1 Sep 2009 #

    ha! i was totally trying to remember Madeliene’s name for about an hour the other morning…

  13. 13
    Online Record Store on 26 Dec 2010 #

    Of course I disagree.
    You sound like a bitter man with no imagination.

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