Jan 16

The Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2015: #30-#21

FT7 comments • 797 views

cyanobacteria“Good morning readers, I am a humble cyanobacteria from the Paleoproterozoic Era! I am responsible for the First Great Mass Extinction Event around 2 billion years ago, when I farted out a bunch of oxygen and wiped out 99% of all life on Earth! Yes that’s right – I’m worse than Hitler. And YOU are breathing the results, haha! Over the last 2 billion years I’ve heard some great pop tunes, but for some reason none of them were by anaerobic life forms? I guess there’s just no market for Now That’s What I Call Peptostreptococcus! in today’s tough industry conditions.”

Thanks Cyanobacteria, without you this poll literally wouldn’t exist. Let’s have a look at #30-21!

30. Sax – Fleur East

Lively debut single from 2014’s X Factor runner-up; sounds less like Uptown Funk and more like itself on each subsequent listen. I judge her rap bit is less good than Neneh Cherry but better than Debbie Harry.

29. The Very Best – JME

The Pokemon/grime crossover single we’ve all been waiting for – it only took 20 years. JME and his shiny Charizard pack in the references, sticking mostly to the original 151. Disappointing that Team Rocket doesn’t get a shout-out though! That reminds me, I should get round to finishing Black 2 before the new game comes out…

28. Sunday Candy – Donnie Trumpet and the Social Experiment ft Jamila Woods

New to me! Chance the Rapper sings more than raps on this track (so much for nominative determinism), which he apparently wrote about his gran. Musically it veers all over the place, kind of like if all the good Outkast songs were played at once, but Jamila’s lovely warm vocal brings it all together. Do watch the delightful am-dram video, which has some cracking choreography.

27. Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae) – Silentó

And there was me thinking everyone had forgotten about ‘Do The Stanky Legg‘ by GS Boys! Silentó rounds up all the half-decent dance moves from the last ten years or so, including a shout out to Soulja Boy. This track was being played for the aquarobics ladies in the pool last night, they were gamely whipping and nae-naeing but the bop-bopping proved a little tricky underwater.

26. What Dö Ü Mean – Justin Bieber

Nothing wrong with our umlaut-loving chum’s vocal here, it’s rather sweet! And the tick-tock backing is very 2005-microbosh, like M.A.N.D.Y with extra panpipes – right up my street. All this is slightly tarnished by the actual gist of the song however: Women Are From Venus, Where There Is Literally Too Much Pressure. But it’s not such a black mark that I can’t forgive Biebs by the time he shouts out ‘Be more straightforward!‘ at the end. Maybe he genuinely is confused about everything? It would explain a lot.

25. Baby Love – Petite Meller

The winner of this year’s Nicola Roberts Award for Dancing Around In A Selection Of High Waisted Pants. For better or worse, Petite seems to be positioning herself as a sort of French Lady Gaga, at least in terms of a) making videos that don’t seem to have been 100% thought through and b) bunging a saxophone on the end of everything.

24. Shut Up And Dance – Walk The Moon

I didn’t DJ at anyone’s work Christmas do in 2015 (not even my own!) but if I had, I would have played this after playing ‘Mr Brightside’. Then afterwards I would have played ‘Mr Brightside’ again. Walk The Moon Dude has a full-on mullet in the video and is intent on hamming everything up to the max. Hard to dislike.

=21. Ice Cream Cake – Red Velvet

Sugary sweet K-pop that has a chorus in a completely different key AND language from the verse, well done everyone. Their fluffy white coats with glowsticks stuck in them look very cosy and are now my #FashionGoals2016.

=21. Sörrÿ – Justin Bieber

More Biebs. I’ve just realised his song with the umlauts isn’t actually in this Top 40 (spoilerz, soz) so my hilarious typography is all for naught. Bieb-o is not actually in this video, so sit back and imagine what it would be like if he had been a faceless ‘ft’ on what turns out to be a pretty banging pop dancehall track, and we only found out what he looked like when Top Of The Pops forced the producers to have a live vocalist.

=21. Style -Taylor Swift

Technically this mid-tempo kiss-off placed 370th in last year’s poll, but had enough ‘impact’ in 2015 that a bunch of people chucked it a vote. Here is where I insert a joke about One Direction’s ‘impact’ this year being less than a bit of snot being flicked across the room I mean I’m sure 1D did very well. Harry Styles probably wears white t-shirts less often since this song came out.

Next week: into the Top 20!


  1. 1
    Tom on 8 Jan 2016 #

    #29 in the original Pokedex is the Poison Pin Pokemon, Nidoran, a monster that JME does not mention. Obviously I voted for this.

  2. 2
    flahr on 8 Jan 2016 #

    I voted for What Do You Mean? and Shut Up + Dance out of this batch. JME is new to me and wonderful. Possibly should have voted for “Sax” but that would have meant replacing “Still In Love With You” (which I think I can safely assume didn’t place) which wasn’t a step I was prepared to take.

  3. 3
    James BC on 8 Jan 2016 #

    I didn’t vote for any of these but I’ve heard and quite like about half of them. Shut Up And Dance strongly reminds me of Big Country, mainly We Close Our Eyes.

  4. 4
    thefatgit on 8 Jan 2016 #

    On a little more familiar ground here.

    Fleur East – Yeah, there’s a sax or two in there. Very infectious hook. I would have considered voting for this.

    JME – I’ll be the first to admit Pokemon is not very prominent among my interests, although this is quite fun. I’m more Top Trumps, me.

    Donnie Trumpet – I haven’t come across this before. I love how this develops into something quite joyful and uplifting, like an old gospel stomper. Great vid too.

    Silentó – I have ever whipped or nae naed. Nor have I stanky legged. This, however might tempt me to up the resistance on the exercise bike or raise the gradient on the treadmill.

    Bieber’s WDYM – Another gym-soundtrack song. Ab crunches; 4 sets of 20.

    Petite Meller – Another one I have never knowingly heard before. Her voice suggests what YoLandi Vi$$er might sound like after completing finishing school.

    Walk The Moon – Shoulders and back. 25kg, 3 sets of 10.

    Red Velvet – I feel the pounds coming back on by just listening to this. Oh go on then, just a little slice.

    Biebs’ Sorry – Leg lifts; 15kg, as many as I can manage (DODGY KNEES!)

    Taylor Swift – Warm down & sauna.

  5. 5
    Chelovek na lune on 8 Jan 2016 #

    Didn’t vote for any of these and had only heard three of them (Fleur East and the two Biebers), so on a first listen….

    Fleur East – This still don’t impress me much. It nods vaguely in the direction of so many songs that do those sort of things rather better, but could be fun to dance to, I suppose.

    JME – I really don’t understand the lyrics at all, but, hell, the attitude and the whole composition works really well. Like.

    Donnie Trumpet – this is good fun, and life-affirming, but maybe a little too incoherent and the beat is a little more aggressive and intrusive than it perhaps should be, at times. The bits with Jamila Woods are close to sublime, though.

    Silento – I suspect this is a track that needs to be heard more than once to get an assessment off. Nice stripped-down electro, still. Almost Street Sounds.

    Bieber WDYM – also not new to me. the minimalism in the backing counts strongly in this one’s favour, too, but that of the lyrics a little less so

    Petite Miller – lovably insane in places, brilliantly invigorating in others

    Walk The Moon- in an age of dance music, this is refreshing and also not unpleasant. Getting a kind of Scottish late 80s vibe off it (always a plus), even though obviously is neither. Actually, on one listen, I really like it.

    Red Velvet – fun and, actually, not too sugary, more satisfying than that

    Bieber Sorry – cracking production, but I find the song a bit weak, deffo not his best #1 this year, would have been a decent B-side back in the day

    Taylor Swift – starts off pleasingly middle-of-the-road old-school FM drivetime radio, and kind of keeps it up, Hardly earth-shattering, but much more than tolerable. There are surely better mixes of it than this one, though?

  6. 6
    Mark M on 9 Jan 2016 #

    Familiar with:

    Sax: Unbelievably annoying. Genuinely baffled that people like this.

    Sunday Candy: My favourite song of the year. The album is weirdly (or maybe not weirdly) reminiscent of Tom Waits’ One From The Heart soundtrack, but this is by some distance the best song. I just find it joyous.

    Watch Me: This year’s Soulja Boy. Not for me, Jeff.

    What Do You Mean & Sorry: Dull, forgettable.

    Walk The Moon: It’s King, init? Don’t really like it, but understand why people do.

    Style: No argument here.

    Not familiar with:

    The Very Best: It’s funny – had this on while I was reading something, and didn’t like it much. Played it again, watching the video, and I’m completely sold.

    Baby Love: Ugh. When people look back in 20 years and try and remember what 2015 sounded it, it will probably be perky dance music like this, alas.

    Ice Cream Cake: Quite likeable.

  7. 7
    koganbot on 16 Jan 2016 #

    I must report that Irene, Seulgi, Wendy, Joy, and Yeri all, inexplicably, forgot that yesterday was my birthday, hence contributed naught to the festivities or the freezer. But my girlfriend remembered, and brought me an ice cream cake. Happy birthday, me!

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