The “Confessions” Movie sequence has to be one of the most schizophrenic (non-medical usage) of the movie sequences out there. As such the films have run the gamut of movie stylings from bawdy sex comedy to rom-com via spy and teen movies. However only one of them has been highlighted as the symptom of the complete downfall of western civilization. Here is a quick run-down of the eight fot you, which one was said to be a sign of the end times?
Confessions Of A Window Cleaner (1974) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly window cleaner who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with housewives.
Confessions Of A Pop Performer (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly minor pop star who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with screaming pop fans (perhaps screaming because he is so ugly). Remade as Almost Famous by Cameron Crowe.
Confessions Of A Driving Instructor (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly driving instructor who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with screaming driving testees. Mike Leigh’s Happy-Go-Lucky is a partial remake.
Confessions From A Holiday Camp (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly redcoat who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with holidaymakers. Pilot episode of Hi-De-Hi.
Confessions Of A Trick Baby (1999) AKA Freeway II, a strange remake of Hansel & Gretel in a teenage girl reform School, with lashings of lesbianism, murder and Vincent Gallo as a transgendered nun. Still lots of sex however.
Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind (2002) George Clooney directs Julia Roberts, Sam Rockwell and himself in a strange biopic of Chuck Barris, Gong Show host and part time spy (so he says). Less sex than the previous Confessions movies.
Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen (2004) The lesser of Lindsey Lohan’s teen movies from 2004, this Confessions is low on innovation and really low on clumsy and inappropriately prurient sex scenes.
Confessions Of A Shopaholic (2009) Isla Fisher plays a shopaholic wannabe fashion journalist who becomes a celebrity debt columnist instead. The idea of there being such a things as a celebrity debt columnist notwithstanding, Fisher gamely pratfalls her way though stock situations while the film tries to explain how buying stuff can be a bad thing, albeit whilst advertising said bad stuff all the time.
That’s right. Confessions Of A Shopaholic is the bad one here. Despite easy sex and horrors of the Robin Askwith Confessions films, the lax morality of the lesploitation movie “Trick Baby” and the social conformity of “Drama Queen”. I can’t think of much negative to say about “Dangerous Mind” except that it wasn’t anything to do with Dangerous Minds and thus was sorely let down by a lack of Coolio on its soundtrack. Shopaholic is a pretty ropey rom-com, but its not a sign of the end times. Nothing Isla Fisher does can be truly apocalyptic.