Do you know of anything artistic knocking around at the moment called P1? Maybe a novel, or a collection of poetry. A play, preferably a good one, or maybe one of the English National Opera’s experimental jobs at the Young Vic? Why? Well I kind of want, in a male collectorish manner – to collect a full set of P1, P2, P3. And all I’m missing is P1.

Where P-2 is a dodgy two handed horror thriller film coming out this weekend. Staring Rachel Nichols (who I quite liked in Alias), it is a mash-up of a survival horror flick and Die Hard Inna – where the Inna is a parking garage. Level P2 no less hence the name of the film. Whilst I doubt it will be much good, I fancy a slightly brutal horror where the female lead uses her brains to get out of the situation. (And you can’t begrudge a film with such an awesomely stupid tagline: “The only thing more terrifying than being alone, is discovering you’re not.”

And P3 is the new Portishead album. Which I have to say I was in no way interested in at all, until I heard two tracks, and Matos has – in this AV Club review managed to write the sentence which piqued my interest. “The triumph of Third is that it sounds exactly like Portishead and nothing like trip-hop.” I liked Portishead, didn’t everyone until the inevitable dinner party music issue came up, but if there was ever a band whose sound was so crystalised that you never needed to buy another album by them, it was them. And clearly they have taken their time to work their way through it (and make nasty clanking noises in the meantime).

So find me a P1 why doncha?