11
Oct 06

How clean is your band?

Do You See + FT/66 comments • 3,821 views

The discerning televisual fan will be aware of the vacuum currently residing in the schedules between the 7.30pm end of Hollyoaks First Look and the 9pm commencement of Ghost Whisperer. There are only so many times one can flick between Puff Daddy jiggling next to the Lead Pussycat on TMF and the startlingly abhorrent animated pig on Hits!TV.

But there’s no need to wear out the remote! For a gleaming nugget of programming genius lies buried beneath the disappointing Dog Borstal on BBC Three. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Grime Scene Investigation.

This superior alternative to Kim and Aggie sees our intrepid (and charming) host Rufus Hound (!) pull up his enormous GSI lorry outside the filthy hovel belonging to Bristol metallers Hooligan Swamp. The ‘Swamp are everything a metal band should be – piercings, pet tarantulas, questionable personal hygiene. Their flat does not disappoint. Chief scientist Anthony and his menagerie of cleaning ladies (the “Ant-oinettes”) barge upstairs armed with swabs, petri dishes and a high-tech microscope. “This has come all the way from Japan, and it’s the first time it’s ever been used in a TRUCK!” bellows Rufus.

After swabbing the tarantula with appropriately menacing incidental music, Rufus appears determined to find “the GRIMINAL” – the filthiest member of the band. The drummer has an “unprecedented” 20,000 different types of bacteria on his drumsticks, but guitarist Jim wins the overall honour of Death Metaller. “Filthy room, filthy feet, wipes his arse on BREAD! This is one Jim it’s not healthy to visit!” warns Rufus. “I don’t like to use the word ‘mental’, but this is MENTAL!” The band is more concerned about the fact that faecal matter has been found on the PS2 controller. “It’s the work of the midnight poo bandit!” claims bassist Chud.

We leave Hooligan Swamp in a celebratory mood, a mixture of pride and self-disgust. Rufus is more incredulous. “What possessed them?” he asks, before his eyes glow a synthetically demonic red. “Or WHO? Mwahahahaha.”

Comments

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  1. 1
    katie on 12 Oct 2006 #

    OH MY GOD I MUST WATCH THIS.

  2. 2
    katstevens on 12 Oct 2006 #

    I doubt subsequent episodes will be able to live up to this one. It was absolutely amazing.

  3. 3
    Emma on 12 Oct 2006 #

    Do they clean up afterwards a la Kim & Aggie or do they just leave the griminals to fester in their own filth?

  4. 4
    Kat on 12 Oct 2006 #

    Grr I am still being marked as spam!

    I don’t think they do clean up! We didn’t witness any before/after shots. This makes the programme even better I think.

  5. 5
    Rufus Hound on 16 Oct 2006 #

    Hello there.

    I’m glad you liked it. We worked very hard making it as good as we could so chuffed that you guys got a kick out of it.

    The other shows are less rock and roll than the Hooligan Swamp episode, but there’s still a lot of fun to come up – look out especially for tomorrow’s show with the surfers and skaters, next week’s (posh horsey lady) and the last one (break dancers). I think they’re gonna be good.

    Also – NO. We don’t tidy up. That – as you say – is Kim and Aggie’s thing. We just do the tests, run the investigation then naff off home.

    Anyways, cheers for watching the show. We’ll keep trying to make it good. Or good-er. Or something.

    Rufus Hound

  6. 6
    Kat on 16 Oct 2006 #

    Hurrah for moderately high google ratings!

    Welcome Rufus, and long may your excellent programme continue.

  7. 7
    Alan on 16 Oct 2006 #

    (or does myspace do clever referral tracking – lord knows it needs something to offset the cack appearance)

  8. 8
    CarsmileSteve on 16 Oct 2006 #

    if it does, i’ve no idea where you’d find it, unless it was an add-on…

  9. 9
    Mark Spider on 17 Oct 2006 #

    Alruhight! I’m the guitarist from HooliganSwamp and my house is the sex pit, if you don’t like it i’ll come round and bum your cat!
    P.S if you liked the show then come to one of our gigs – we’ll REALLY give you a filthy show to tell your friends about.

    I’m serious about the cat

  10. 10
    Kat on 17 Oct 2006 #

    Wotcher Mark, were you the dude with the tarantulas?

  11. 11
    Mark Spider on 17 Oct 2006 #

    yeah, the spiders are mine. I don’t see what all the fuss is really, they are quite attractive, once you get past the irritating hairs and huge venom glands. Lucky they didn’t pick up the goliath birdeater though – she’s a moody bitch!

  12. 12
    Rufus Hound on 17 Oct 2006 #

    I’d have still done it though. I’m well hard

    (although that could be all this sexy talk about cat bumming…)

  13. 13
    Kat on 17 Oct 2006 #

    Those guys with the dogs weren’t a patch on Hooligan Swamp in terms of messiness. Am looking forward to the Horse Woman!

  14. 14
    Alex de Mora on 18 Oct 2006 #

    you guys are right….those gays with the dogs are nothing compared to The Swamp.

    Horse Woman on the other hand…?

  15. 15
    Rufus Hound on 19 Oct 2006 #

    Did the voice over for the Horse Woman show yesterday. There’s loads of really random, funny bits in it and it made me laugh – so that’s good. But I have to warn you – if you’re looking for a similar level of out and out filth, then series one never tops Hooligan Swamp.

    Their place was dirtier than Christina Aguilera’s chaps.

    Hound

  16. 16
    thora on 24 Oct 2006 #

    whoa, just watched tonights episode!!! (The one’s with the models!)

    who are the “antoinettes”???

    rufus, you are the man!

  17. 17
    Rufus Hound on 25 Oct 2006 #

    Very kind of you, Thora. The ‘Antoinettes’ are all phD Microbiology students that are studying under Dr Anthony Hilton.

    They do all the donkey work (under Ant’s supervision), and are kind of Anthony’s team – or the she-Anthony’s. Hence Antoinettes.

    Alright, I grant you it’s not a brilliant name but it was better than any of the others I could come up with (‘Tony’s Angels’ was a one time runner) but since then I wish we’d called them ‘The Johnsons’.

    That way it’d be Anthony and The Johnsons. Which’d be wicked.

    By the way, next week’s is the Horse-lady, and from what I’ve heard it’s looking well wicked*.

    Ruf

    * He he. I haven’t used that for ages.

  18. 18
    Pete Baran on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Rufus, round here I think you’ll find you don’t need to explain your jokes for us to get them. We are fey-pop literate. Nevertheless keep up the good work. Am looking forward to a GSI / Torchwood X-Over as it looks like their base could do with a bit of decluttering.

  19. 19
    Rufus Hound on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Lovely point Pete. I mean, if a hand in a jar doesn’t beg for a bit of a swab, what the helll kind of definitely-not-fictional world are we living in?

    Actually, I know the bloke who plays the sad welsh copper (Tom Price) and I can’t tell you how much we were giggling like school girls that we were in the same trailer – the one for “Coming this season on BBC3”. So, a trip round the set with a luminometer may yet happen.

    And to anyone who recons I might be a bit jealous that Pricey is in this magnificent Doctor Who spin-off, then ner ner ner ner ner. I’m not. Alright, may a little bit.

    Keep it clean,

    Hound

  20. 20
    thora on 26 Oct 2006 #

    thanks rufus,

    they are all phd students eh??? very nice ladies i must say!!!!

    one other point – rufus? is that your real name???!

    peace

  21. 21
    Alex de Mora on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Yo Rufie!

    Saw the show with the Welsh slags in bags the other night…good work. I bet you and Sam had a bit of fun with that and made the water nice and icey (sorry these ryhmes just keep poppin out..UHH YEAH!)I thought they were supposed to models though? All good in the bikinis nonetheless!

    Sexy time!

    Keep it foolish.

    Alex

  22. 22
    CarsmileSteve on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Oi! Hound! get yr own blog ;)

  23. 23
    Jess Antoinette on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Ha Ha has this turned into the Grime Scene page. Glad you all like it. I’m the loud mouth one of the three girls (the one a little bit lesbian like resembling Ruth off the apprentice). Keep watching especially the last one with the break dancers..very funny.

    Thanks for the mugs Rufus, love ya

  24. 24
    Kat on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Rufus & co, I hope you realise that your programme now has a schedulign conflict with How Clean Is Your Dog? with the lovely Victoria Stilwell on 4! You will have to up your game somewhat if I am to abandon Vicky and her lovely leather trousers…

  25. 25
    Jess Antoinette on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Well Rufus is wearing some rather nice jodpers (is that how you spell it) in the next episode (they are sexily tight)… so I reckon that could rival leather Vicky x

  26. 26
    Rufus Hound on 26 Oct 2006 #

    Yay! Jess is in the house*!**

    A) Yes – this is becoming the GSI page.

    B) “I thought they were supposed to models though? All good in the bikinis nonetheless!” – yeah. It’s definitely science, and in no way just an excuse to show hot welsh ladies in tiny bikinis.

    C) Jess busts some hot shapes with the breakdancers. It’s definitely going out as the eighth episode, so keep ’em peeled.

    D) This isn’t technically a blog

    E) I’ve been drinking all evening with James Strawbridge He’s a mental. He challenged the bar staff of The Dorchester to an armwrestle. The only taker was a German. James beat him, then set off almost immediately to The New Forest. FACT.

    F) Er… something else. I’m a bit drunk and I forgot.

    G) You look nice.

    H) … is for

    Hound x

  27. 27
    Rufus Hound on 26 Oct 2006 #

    * Jess is brilliant – and never NEVER challenge her to a drinking competition. She’ll hurt you. For life.

    ** Sorry for sounding like I’m 12.

  28. 28
    CarsmileSteve on 27 Oct 2006 #

    it is on the interweb and you are writing about what happened when you got p!ssed = it is a blog ;) carry on though, don’t let us stop you :)

  29. 29
    Rob Simpson on 27 Oct 2006 #

    Can I just say I love the coordinating work on that gig. It bloody rocks.

  30. 30
    Angryman on 27 Oct 2006 #

    Dear Mr Hound, if that is indeed your real sobriquet. I am disgusted with this tirade of nonsensical trivia and self agrandising fluff. If this dubious sounding exercise in mindless distraction is all that it seems then all is indeed lost for this great nation of ours.
    As for this so called ‘rock’ band and their florid viscitudes – I look forward to an iminent escalation in the war on terror and their forced recruitment into the armed forces.

    Mr Hilton, (I seriously doubt that this obvious homosexual with his luxuriant bouffant could be a real doctor)is another deep concern – I loook forward to his imminent trial and conviction as some form of medieval warlock.

    Similarly, the ineptly monickered ‘Antoinettes’ had me bound up in gahstly fug, replete in my own froth. Their presence on television is a shocking illustration of how license payers money is frittered in a vain attempt at microbila titillation.

    I must close know as I can feel my sap once again rsing to a fevered peak. You are all rubbish.

    I am not a crank.

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