Posts from 12th March 2002

12
Mar 02

DUEL! 2002 – Round 1 Match 8

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DUEL! 2002 – Round 1 Match 8



Duel 2002 Round 1 Match 8

Which of these two artists is worse?
Andrew WK
Dido


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Today’s Duel is, you might say, a battle of the sexes. For just as Andrew WK represents the basest aspects of the male with his drink-party-vomit programming, so too does Dido stand for the most simpering facets of femininity. The young American male begins the 21st century with staggering, historically unprecedented opportunities – never in the annals of humankind have men of Andrew WK’s age enjoyed such freedoms and privileges. Andrew WK reads “patriarchy” as “party-riarchy” and his response to getting the world on a plate is to puke all over it. “That’s what rock and roll is about, dude”, I hear you cry – except that Andrew WK’s records sound most unrocking – as weedy and enervated as you’d expect from a man who spends half his life throwing up.

As for Dido – two hundred years of the fight for female equality has had the unpleasant side-effect that this ghastly bint (named in honour of GCSE Latin) is ’empowered’ to talk about how great her boyfriend is in bed, over the course of several of the drippiest, floppiest singles ever to trouble the British Top 40. Several of you have asked for more pop acts in Duel! – a separate pop poll may well be forthcoming but here’s a sop – in every possible sense – to that demand.

Last Result – STEREOPHONICS 68% – Strokes 32%

A victory for the Stereophonics, but not as one-sided as some might have guessed. How will this year’s tougher American competitors affect the ‘Phonics progress through the later rounds, we wonder? Here’s what you said (CAUTION – after reading some of these you might start feeling sorry for the Stereophonics. They can’t be THAT bad, surely? Except they are.):

“This is a bit of a non-contest surely? the Sterophonics are the worst of the worst. Dreary, and that blokes vocals grate. (not Grate!). Urrghhh! The Strokes are okay!”

“Who can possibly think that The Strokes are “the real thing”, rock-wise? They are NOT.

Still, The Stereophonics are worse. The reasons for this are:

1. The cover of Perfomance and Cocktails
2. The concept of “Just Enough Education To Perform”
3. Welsh
4. Kelly = nob-end
5. The video for “Have a Nice Day”
6. The lyrics to “Have a Nice Day” (a.k.a. “Swim in the ocean, That be my dish, I drive around all day, And kill processed fish”=gak)
7. That voice!
8. Their fans
9. “Mama Told Me Not To Come” with hairy Tom Jones
10. They are crap”

“at least i can dance to the strokes!”

“As much as I detest the guitar lite rehashed music of The Strokes – The Stereo-turgid-phonics get my vote – what a ghastly band – everything that is wrong with guitar music rolled into one. To actually listen to The Stereophonics – any one of their songs on the radio or in a shop is aural torture. The horrid vocals and trad turgid guitar wank of their songs. I have to retune the radio or leave a shop whenever I hear The Stereophonics. Music for tone deaf wankers/ Chris Evans loving TFI muppets and the nightmare/ daytime soundtrack of Virgin radio.

Apparently their albums sell over a million copies in the UK, thats 1 Million complete fuckwits in my book.
I fully expect The Stereodullophonics to get through to the final as worst band of the year.

Have a nice day – indeed – Fuck OFF The Stereophonics you ruin mine whenever I have the misfortune to hear your music.”

“No contest. Strokes I couldn’t be more indifferent about. Stereophonics are one of those bands that push me off the fence. i try to be nice to people that buy these records. I try to remember that IT’S JUST MUSIC, that IT DOESN’T MATTER. But really, I wouldn’t jump in to save a drowning stereophonics fan. better off without them. And I live with one. fucker.”

“Grr, even the repulsive, muso name has the smug, conservative stink of “proper music.””

“I nearly missed my highway turnoff last week ’cause I was singing “Hard to Explain” and concentrating on remembering the lyrics. Compare and contrast to my hearing “Mr. Writer” and missing how anybody manages to tolerate the Stereophonics.”

“There isn’t much contest, here, the Stereophonics being clearly one of the worst bands ever. So bland as to be hugely offensive, utter nondescript wallpaper for people with no ideas about anything.”

“Is there any doubt about who is the clear “winner” of this duel?

The Strokes have the misfortune of being a bit bland, but that’s nothing compared to the crimes against music perpetrated by the Stereophonics. They are proud to be ignorant dullards who fear innovation. For that they should be kicked in the nuts, and voted the worst band in the world.”

“Oh boy did I want to vote for the Strokes but compared to the Stereophonics they’re the best band ever. Can we have fox hunting banned and replaced with Stereophonics hunting please Mr Blair?”

“Oh let me see, will I vote for the Strokes who seem to be the Monkees of New York hip, or the Stereophonics who look like monkeys. Also their drummer looks like that Nigel bloke that was in Eastenders. And Kelly Jones thinks by mentioning Springsteen and Young enough he might one day become them. No contest, I’m not going to be smart arsed and contrary and vote for the Strokes.”

“the stereophonics lose. they’re like deep blue something with one less hit. they’re welsh, right? funny, i thought being welsh was supposed to make you cooler (cf. super furry animals, gorky’s zygotic mynci).”

“Duel doesn’t really work if one of the bands is B*R*I*L*L*I*A*N*T and the other is B*O*R*I*N*G. ”

“In Shit Trumps The Strokes BIGGEST hitter would be their utter punchability, unfortunately Stereophonics score 10 on EVERY category. Including IQ. AHA!”

“Iron law of guitar pop: the more column inches, the worse the music. At least Stereophonics songs all sound different (they’re all bad, but bad in different ways).”

“Who are the Stereophonics? I don’t think many people here in the US listen to them. Are they as boring as Teenage Fanclub?”

“Admittedly, I haven’t heard a single note by the Strokes but really, can *anything* be worse than the Stereophonics? Except for Gorillaz, but that’s another story.”

“the pairing is perfect, the soggy crustless cucumber sandwich that is English rock n roll today couldn’t even produce a contender interesting enough to compete with the streaks in a race for worst – even if you despise the strokes or limp bizkit or rick springfield, they’re harder to ignore than the vanilla pudding of the sceptred isle’s e.z. rock slumber”

CRED ALERT!

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CRED ALERT!: Then there’s “Can’t Hold Us Down,” an empowerment anthem with a confident, man-eating swagger that recalls Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)” and Mary J. Blige’s “Family Affair.” Aguilera echoes the sentiments of pioneering punk Poly Styrene on X-Ray Spex’s “Oh Bondage Up Yours!” by kicking against men who think women “should be seen and not heard.” “So what do we do, girls?” she asks on the chorus. “Shout louder!”

This is what happens when writers adhere strictly to the ROCK = GOOD equation. No amount of calculus can prove that true, especially when some of the variables include “mention screaming like Courtney Love” and “compare to obscure British singer with Soft Machine connections“. Nothing says maturity like screaming and progressive rock.