Posts from 19th January 2001

19
Jan 01

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, I Am A Mute (Ant)

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TMBG’s answer to The Who’s “Tommy”, and specifically the question – Can anyone write a stupider disability themed song than “Pinball Wizard”? This is a supposedly whimsical, but instead thoroughly irritating coming of age tale of a young kid called John who is unable to speak. The song is set to a drum machine, ukulele and accordion backing – and in particular makes account of the bullying the young mute gets. Nowhere is it explained in the song how John – whilst mute to all his contemporaries, is able to sing (or at least whine) this song. Continuity and factual inacuracies come to a head when it is revealed – to nobodies surprise at all – that the reason John cannot speak is because he is actually an insect. This is of course obvious from the title – its a bit like calling Psycho : “Norman Bates Did It Dressed As His Mother”, or The Sixth Sense “Bruce Is Dead”. Foolishness is compounded when it is never revealed how an ant managed to escape the rigourous constrictions of the ant colonies hive mind, and then enrol into the Public School system. Nor why if a member of They Might Be Giants turned up in a school in the form of an ant, the kids would not be fighting each other to stamp on the tuneless little bugger.

EMERGENCY BROADCAST

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EMERGENCY BROADCAST: information reaches the NYLPM newsdesk that Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” is set to be No.1 this weekend. If you live near a suspected UK chart return shop, go into it and spend all your money on other singles. Failing that, or if you’re penniless, e-mail us the rudest word you know and we will use as many of them as possible in next week’s pop-eye.

LUDACRIS – ‘What’s Your Fantasy?’

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LUDACRIS – ‘What’s Your Fantasy?’
Ludacris is a man with an agenda. He wants to do a great many things, with one goal in mind: discovering and fulfilling your fantasies. He’s like the guy at the end of Green Eggs and Ham: he’d like to do it on a plane, he’ll even do it in the rain. He wants to get busy in your car, he’d like to get down in the local bar. You make it so good, he doesn’t wanna leave, but he’s gotta know, wha-what’s your fantasy? He’s so eager that he’s even willing to prime the pump, as it were, by offering you a host of his own suggestions of locations, implements, and unguents, on the off-chance that one of them might float your boat. Below, an abbreviated list:
On the 50-yard line of the Georgia Dome
At the back of the local club, perhaps including the use of whipped cream & fresh fruit
On a beach with black sand
In a public bathroom or in the back of the classroom
Up on the roof, with another guy’s girlfriend
In the bathtub, surrounded by lit candles
Onstage at his own, sold-out concert
In the library, on top of the books, so long as you’re quiet about it
In the White House
In a sauna or Jacuzzi, or in the back row at the movies
In the garden, all in the dirt
In the sun or in the shade, or on the top of his SLA
At a WWF event, on a boat or in the ocean itself
In the candy store, with melty chocolate
With BDSM equipment
Playing Dracula ‘ he’ll get his fangs!

All of this, and more, is suggested over skittery, bleepy Dirty South beats, which aren’t that exciting. They’re fine for emphatic head-bobbing while you’re driving around or tidying your desk, but what’s exciting about this track is how much Ludacris relishes everything that he’s doing and suggesting. He’s certainly eager, but he’s not leering at you, and he’s not desperate. He’s thrilled to have an opportunity to live out his fantasies, but he’s an equal-opportunity loverman; he wants you to have fun, too. He’s a post-feminist rapper. Huh. How about that?

Dancing About Architecture

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Dancing About Architecture brings us its special British Issue. With a lead feature on New Model Army. My favourite part was the piece on US wannabe-British bands – it’s hard to imagine anyone drawing too much inspiration from the current crop, mind you.