May 05

Football Reports #2 – The Tabloids

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The tabloids often stumble across a decent pun (I remember the Freund or Foe headline for a Spurs vs West Ham game some seasons back that sadly can never happen again). But for each of these there is a counterpoint in Chop Souey and Kieran Dire. Over and over again.

I find the reports themselves aren’t too dissimilar to the broadsheets, although the format is rather fractious and complimented by more action-orientated photographs. Paragraphs are generally shorter and punctuated with brassy headings, ‘Cruel’ and ‘Giant’ for the cup final on Saturday though the references are oblique.

What I like about the tabloids are the player scores. Objectivity and memory are minor factors in determining these marks out of ten. Cross-referencing to the report itself is another reconciliation process fraught with auditing issues. It goes something like this: All players score sixes or sevens unless, scored a goal = eight, sent off = four.

Earlier in the season, Juan Ugarte of Wrexham scored 5 in a 6-4 win. The NOTW gave him an 8. I also remember the same paper giving the Czech tackle monster Tomas Repka a zero after one shite performance. And it flattered him.

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