16
Apr 05

The Rules of Porn

Do You SeePost a comment • 4,150 views

Warning: explicit content. In case the title wasn’t a clue.

I saw an ad for a Channel 5 show about plastic surgery the other day, and it seemed to think it was a surprise revelation that big breasts are popular in porn. I know that we aren’t supposed to admit to liking porn (it’s something you ‘use’, like an illegal drug) but I figure as a single man living alone with broadband, who would be dumb enough to believe I never looked at it? You may not know that there are countless portal sites (if ‘porntal’ hasn’t been coined, I have just done so), often breaking tens of thousands of links down into categories, then providing a short description as the link. It’s my research in these sites, purely for the purposes of a short posting here of course, that led to me recognising some more surprising principles than ‘big tits are good’. Here is a top ten:

1. Every penis over 5″ long and 1.5″ circumference counts as a MONSTER COCK, and is visibly painful when inserted anywhere.

2. Any black cock counts as, at the least, huge.

3. Most lesbians have tongues just a fraction too short to actually reach their girlfriend (I imagine this is very distressing). Many other lesbians are unfortunately too poorly coordinated to move their hand out of the way, and find themselves licking their own fingers.

4. All lesbians like fucking men.

5. More than two people having sex is a wild orgy.

6. A woman with two men counts as a gangbang.

7. When you have a woman tied up, you never have sex with her (this one mystifies me – maybe I’m just not looking in the right places).

8. Women are happiest if, when you are going to come, you come in their faces. If this is difficult in the circumstances, coming over their back is almost as thrilling. Oh, and if the woman is wearing glasses, she is particularly pleased by the man ejaculating over them.

9. Any woman under 40 counts as a schoolgirl if she is wearing either a sweatband on her head (I don’t understand this signifier at all) or white socks. (St Trinian’s style school uniforms are surprisingly rare.)

10. Women count as lesbians if there are two of them naked or near-naked in the same scene, even if they show no interest in touching one another.

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