As previously posted on Livejournal:
Here’s how to make a Caucasian when you want your customer to look at you with a mix of horror, pity, disbelief and contempt! As practiced by the horrible shifty barman at the London Excel Novotel.
AVOID THIS HOTEL FOR DRINKING. It’s SURROUNDED BY BARS, for a start, and the bar people are USELESS! If you’re with a large crowd who ‘have seats’, convince them that their seats are only making them weak. I failed in this task and my punishment was to drink this concoction.
HOWEVER – I recommend scamming a free breakfast at the Novotel as they have large hem-hem ‘decorative’ yellow peppers which are delicious when hungover, as well as large amounts of smoked salmon which you can pretty much scoff whole as they bring another bucketful instantly. HURRAH FOR CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION AND THE SOULLESS AUTOMATONS WHO PARADE THEIR FILTH IN THE DLR ZONE.
Anyway, here’s the recipe:
1. Get a pint glass and pour in two fingers of whole milk.
2. Slap a cocktail shaker on it and shake portentiously for about two minutes. Ignore look of puzzled fear from your customer. HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS HERE.
3. Put the whole box-and-dice down and get a smallish glass. Half fill with ice water. YES WATER
4. Get a shot of vodka and pour it in.
5. Get a shot of kahlua and pour it into the watery vodka.
6. IMPORTANT NAY VITAL do NOT put the kahlua back on the shelf WITHOUT SPINNING IT THROUGH A MIND-BENDING PIROUETTE OF JUGGLING JIGGERY POKERY as in the film COCKTAIL starring TOM CRUISE. If you fail to include this step THE SHELF WILL BE ANGRY and take A TERRIBLE REVENGE.
7. Verrrry slowly drizzle the thick, lumpy milk that you’ve shaken within an inch of its life over the watery black mess, creating something that looks like a glass of curdled Guinness and also looks COMPLETELY UNDRINKABLE.
8. Slooooowly slide a cocktail straw or two into the mess so as not to disturb your artwork.
Nobody at the table could believe it was a white russian, and after I’d finished showing them the horror I stirred the damn thing up so it looked normal and tried it – it was both watery and unpleasantly strong, two things a white russian should never be. From now on I will call this version of the cocktail a Bernard Manning because it is the most offensive and yet self-satisfied Caucasian I have ever been presented with.
Here’s how to make a good white russian:
3. Add between 3 and 5xMilk.
4. NO TOM CRUISE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO IT IS UNNECESSARY STOP THAT
5. If you want to get fancy, sprinkle a few chocolate shavings on top. Or serve it in a cup made of chocolate if you want to get obscenely fat. Both are perfectly acceptable.