THE PUB SEVEN DEADLY SINS: 2: Stainless Steel Pissers
Luckily this is the realm of the more wanky bars and nearly all Mean Fiddler venues, rather than the average pub – but nevertheless there is the odd hostelry which has this man baiting horror sequestered within. The ceramic urinal is a masterpiece of design, both the singular and the wall based trickle down affair receive the contents of an overly full bladder with little splashback. This is both due to simplistic design and the use of ceramic, a substance which would appear to use its sheen to remove spray. The addition of the urinal cake to make it smell sweeter, or a swisher device to prevent fag end clottage are optional but certainly do not make the experience any worse.
Design classics are not meant to be usurped. Classics because they are both beautiful and functional. The stainless steel urinal is not a step up from the ceramic – it is down the pisser evolutionary tree by quite some stretch. Firstly, and by no means unimportant, is the very substance the toilet is made out of. It may be called stainless steel, but it is anything but. After some usage they often develop a dullness of sheen, and the water heads clog with cacky scum. But this is nothing to the splashback. A trampolene would not bounce back this much piss. Due to the flimsy sheet of metal and the angle of the back board, well over fifty percent will end up flecking your trousers. Woe betide if you are wearing shorts. On top of this the trough (for it resembles nothing less than a pigs trough) will have about two litres of stagnant piss filling them at any particular time – even if the woefully inadequate drain is not blocked by fag ends. Finally, as it is a free for all situation, personal space – so required when the delicate art of relieving oneself is undertaken – is replaced by a jostling unbecoming a pub toilet.
If you know a pub with a stainless steel pisser, then do not stand for it. Go in the ladies instead.