I Hate Music
26 January 2007
Regular readers of I Hate Music will know that I have little truck with science, unless I’m using it to blind Thomas Dolby. Science has consistently let me down: I have lobbied long and hard to prove the harmful effects of listening to music but the so-called ‘scientific establishment’ continue to ignore my pioneering work, claiming that my proposals are somehow “unworkable”. This is nonsense: the experiment which would have proved that beheading Lemar is more enjoyable than listening to him, for instance, is absolutely watertight. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 2 Comments
18 January 2007
After this stinging criticism regarding the secret message on Bad from Steve Mannion, I have decided to look closer at an album that is not even out yet. This way I can discover the secret message, and spread it to you BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY BUY IT. And so Jamie T, all new darling of the London music scene J’Accuse…
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Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 17 Comments
3 January 2007
Many people find it hard to take Dolly Parton seriously as a musician, despite a long and distinguished songwriting career full of hits and songs which are now seen as country standards. I find it hard to take Dolly Parton seriously as a musician because of her long and distinguished songwriting career full of hits and songs which are now seen as country standards. But then whenever I see more than one musician in a room together I am braced for seeing a couple of huge tits. The only difference with Dolly it all-comes in one Tennessee Smokey Mountain bluegrass plasticked up package. If only someone had taken the advice of the bloke of Junior Antiques Roadshow who told us not to take our Dolly’s out of the packaging we may never have been troubled by 9 To 5 or I Will Always Love You*. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 5 Comments
28 December 2006
Hmm, not really a secret message this one. But sometimes evil hides in plain sight. Look at Rolling Stones gigs.
Okay, have you noticed it yet? more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 7 Comments
7 December 2006
Cats.
I hate Cats. I hate the Stray Cats, I hate the Pussycat Dolls, I hate the Love Cats by the Cure. But most of all I hate Cats the Musical. I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber, that is a given, but previously I cannot say I had been troubled by T.S.Eliot. But once his not very good poems were turned into lyrics, well suddenly the mans anagram made sense. This was toilets. Ironically the French word for Cat is Chat, pronounced Shat, which is exactly the process I imagine Richard Stilgoe and Lloyd-Webber’s music did to Eliot’s poetry. All over it. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 15 Comments
1 December 2006
Numbers is the fourth book of the Bible, one where the Israelites are wandering around, fatalistically looking for a home. Had their Father forsaken them, had they plumped for the wrong religion after all? Its alright being the chosen ones, but when the requirements of your God get more twisty than Chubby Checker in a twisting competition then you might be justified in thinking that fate had dealt you a big hand of nothing. But who would have the guts to say that out loud, who knows what kind of fatwa could be called down on their heads. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 5 Comments
30 November 2006
Welcome to my new quiz for music fans, where if you win I will send you all the hated music I have “liberated” from the Virgin Megastore but would not fit in the dustcart when it came on Friday. Clearly I cannot have the music lying around in my house, it would mark me out as the worst kind of hypocrite. Equally I cannot just leave it in the street where some innocent young whippersnapper may pick it up and suddenly start liking Akon. So instead here is a picture poser for the music fan. Send your name, address and when you are likely to be in so I can kill yet another another accursed music fan deliver your prize. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 17 Comments
28 November 2006
I have dealt with Levi Stubbs before and was contemplating skipping this particular book of the Bible. There was also the possibility of exploring the link between jeans and popular music in the 1980′s, a point where Music clearly was Pants. From Nick Kamen through Reet Petite it was clear that the only reason people were buying these records was because they quite liked the eye candy in the ads. SO DON’T BUY THE RECORDS THEN. BUY A VIDEO OF THE ADVERT. But in the end I realised as the third book of the Pentateuch it really is quite an important book (and full of the nuttiest bits of the Bible such as Israel should be in the Eurovision Song Contest). And I also realised that I had never quite finished a previous ongoing series of mine: WEEDY EIGHTIES WHITE PEOPLE SINGING ABOUT SOUL STARS. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 7 Comments
24 November 2006
In many ways I should be grateful for the existence of Bob Marley. If it were not for his greatest hits album, Legend, most people would probably own more than one Reggae record. In acting as a one man summary for this particularly dismal form of music therefore (and then by dying too!) he has done me a favour in the world of music hating. But it just is not that simple. You see not only did Bob Marley also unfortunately make music, but he also gave birth to about four hundred children all of whom seem to be continuing this somewhat ropey legacy. more »
Tanya Headon in FT /I Hate Music • 18 Comments
15 November 2006
Interupting our trip through the so-called good book to marvel at this news story. U2 win battle against ex-stylist , in which U2 have won a court case against an ex-stylist because she nicked a cowboy hat off of him. Eminently responsible thing to do if you remember how stupid the band looked during the JOSHUA* Tree period.
However bearing in mind that this is U2 we are talking about I present five better reasons for U2 to take their various stylists to court. more »
Tanya Headon in I Hate Music • 5 Comments
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