Big Tongued Lady Jamie Oliver Lily Allen“When you first left me
I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door
What did you do that for?”

As a girl, you would think that I would sympathise with Ms Allen’s plight here. But my sympathies are squarely with this unnamed other of indiscriminate sex. Indeed Ms Allen’s question seems thoroughly misplaced. What did he do that for indeed?

Maybe they did it because they don’t like you Lily.

Maybe you are crap in bed.

Maybe your faux Cockernee accent and attitood rubbed them up the wrong way.

Maybe your appropriation of the “female Mike Skinner” tag narked your significant other as they believed that not only does the world not need a female Mike Skinner but having a male one was already going too far. 

MAYBE, and this is probably pushing it a touch, THEY WERE PUNISHING YOUR FATHER THROUGH YOU FOR HIS INVOLVEMENT IN VINDALOO AND NAUGHTY CHRISTMAS (GOBLIN IN THE OFFICE)NOT TO MENTION YOU RHYMING TESCO’S WITH AL FRESCO IN LDN.

Okay, tabloid journos. I am willing to admit that the song was written about mine and Lily’s lesbian tryst. And that was my reason. And it made me smile.