Day 30: Philadelphia Freedom
AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 LOUSY TUNES
Oh the vagaries of the law. Apparently landing a giant alien spacehopper in the middle of Philadelphia is against a number of local ordinances and state statues. Really: these colonials have got to get a grip. I understand that chewing gum in Main Street in Kansas is illegal and a man cannot marry his own Ox in New Mexico. All well and good, but what a waste of legislative power, when they could be flinging gangsta rappers into prison and outlawing the playing of any stringed instrument.
So I and my idiot manservant De Savvary found ourselves bang up. Again, for me. Really this has to stop. And luckily what with Crispian being able to vouch for me I was able to get in touch with the bulk of my money. The bulk that was not spent buying gin to make an old Saturn V rocket fly to the moon. Yes, the charges were unfortunate:
Being a witch
Stealing clothes from a washing line
Invading a private vehicle
Being smuggled across numerous state line
Stealing a Saturn V rocket and leaving it on the moon
And being drunk in possession of an alien spacehopper type craft.
Frankly I was surprised we got off at all. Luckily all I had to do was explain the situation to a nice man from the government called Agent Turner who came to visit us and he let us go. Well he said he would give us a lift to a special secret base where they would help clean us up, but it all went swimmingly. He did seem awfully interested in our adventures on the moon, but I suppose it is interesting. I do wish he would take his sunglasses off when he was indoors. It reminded me too much of Ray Charles, which I foound a bit disconcerting. But he was such a nice man I should cut him some slack. Crispian seemed concerned about some sort of government conspiracy, but since when did I listen to that half-wit?
ELTON JOHN – Philadelphia Freedom
Philadelphia is where the American leg of Live Aid was staged. It is also the name of a tasteless soft cheese. It is also in the title of an Elton John song.
COINCIDENCE: I THINK NOT.
That all these bad things coincide in Philly just goes to show what a horrific place it is. Need I mention the dread phrase Philly Soul? A kind of soul music which put the horns high in the mix to try and convince people that something decent was going on underneath. Of course it was worthless Stax Tat, and exactly the kind of thing that Elton and Bernie were hitching their wagon to in Philadelphia Freedom. Let me just say that PF contains one of the most telling lyrics of Bernie Taupin’s career, namely:
“The less I say the more my work gets done”.
Well, as we know Elton and Bernie’s work has been intensely scrutinized on this site to prove that it really, really is trash. In particular that an average Bernie Taupin lyric is mainly meaningless words strung together for very little point and purpose. It seems that Taupin has come to the realisation halfway through Philadelphia Freedom, which incidentally casts Elton as a Philly native rather than a kid from the unfashionable and unpleasant London suburb of Watford. If I had my way, he would have been banged up as soon as he enter Philadelphia: and in the hateful words of George Michael – I don’t want his Freedom.