I Hate Music

22
Sep 04

NEWS FEED: Surely this is what Camp X-Ray is for

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NEWS FEED: Surely this is what Camp X-Ray is for

Obviously I have a soft spot of Cat Stevens, or Yusef Islam or , (actually is it not a touch suspicious how many names he has had, like he was on the run). He used to be a musician, realised how rubbish he was, and stopped.

On the downside that he was so rubbish that even though he changed his name and devoted his life to higher learning, it does not excuse crimes like Father And Son. And rightly teh US do not want him on their territory. But does that mean he has to be sent back you the UK. When Camp X-Ray is finally emptied of its boiler suited illegally held captives (muisic was banned in Afghanistan fer chrissake, how bad can they be) I have an idea for a new use. Pop Star Penitentiary. With an Ecclectic Electric Chair for people like Bjork and Damon Albarn.

16
Sep 04

I Hate Music lyric watch #22: R. Kelly – “I Wish”

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As you know, I have a particular dislike of ANY songs with the word If in the title. But even Midge Ure has been eclipsed in stupidity by R.Kelly’s latest mid-tempo yawnfest.

If I was a psychic
I’d know our love would last
Because I’d go into the future
And prevent all break-ups from coming to pass

If Ralph (pronouice Ralph) Kelly were really a psychic he wouldn’t need to go into the future, because he’d be able to see the future and prevent the break-ups from coming to pass from the comfort of his own present day, as the occured. So going into the future would not be necessary at all. Right?

WRONG! Psychics have the ability to read others’ minds, not to see the future (and definitely not to travel in time, that would generally requires a time machine). If our Rodders was a psychic he might be able to tell what the object of his affections was thinking and do his best to solve any unspoken problems. However this psychic ability and sensitivity does not fit with what we know of his modus operandum to date. (Not to mention his statutory defense in many of his legal cases).

If he could look into the future, of course, he might see adults… But then that might put him off.

6
Sep 04

News feed: Musicians get instruments stolen

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News feed: Musicians get instruments stolen

Stolen, but note, not destroyed. They all have the “Distinctive” Scottish Chamber Orchestra sticker on the side, if you do stumble across a cello and apicolo in a ditch. Distinctive like a turd, I would much prefer the sticker “Scottish Gas Chamber Orchestra”. It has a better ring to it.