I Hate Music

Aug 04


I Hate Music1 comment • 1,222 views


“Sit with my family, drink some English tea
Then I raise my finger and watch football on TV”

Never mind that Brian bellows “football on TV” as if he is the prophet Jeremiah having a vision of the fall of Jerusalem, the burning question here is “Why does New Realer Brian need to raise his finger?”. The possibilities include:

1/ He is raising his little finger in genteel tea-drinking style, because Real Brian is Real in all things and this is the Real Way To Drink Tea.

2/ He is raising his middle finger to get sweary at his family, the tea or the TV. This is because he is a tough stubbly rock star now and that’s what they do.

3/ He is raising his finger and magically summoning the football, because he has mystical powers over TV. Personally I am backing this theory, as I can think of no other reason why his extraordinarily shit video is always on it.

Aug 04

I Hate Music lyric watch #20: Belouise Some: Imagination

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You needed a good Imagination to believe that SOMEone like Belouise Some could even have a pop career. Especially if you consider the lyrics to this, his biggest hits.

You’ll have to guide me, these impossible schemes
You keep me stealing unstealable things

So let us consider this paradoxical couplet.
a) Think of an unstealable thing.
b) Think of how master thief Belousy Some may have stolen it.

Requires plenty of Imagination eh? Unlike the video to the song which required no imagination at all and was FILTHY.

Aug 04

More Oakey Pokey (fun at)

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 540 views

I was willing to let Phil Oakey rot in a see of his own flesh and blood (he’s a man) yesterday, but my public cried and said “Slap Him, He’s From Sheffield”. Alan Trewartha, the FreakyTrigger resident design master (who has never touched my design I notice) reminded me of the truly stupid lyrics to Blind Youth

Blind youth take hope
You’re no Joe Soap
Your time is due
Big fun come soon

Phil was not wrong there in correctly projecting the rise of a boyband called Big Fun, but his knowledge of their sexual prowess seems too detailed. What would happen, one asks, if one of these Blind Youth (I assume he is using blindness as a metaphor here) was actually called Joe Soap. What is so bad about being called Joe Soap. Is it like being called A N Other and having hundreds of credit cards?

Is such a big word
It’s been around since
Richard The Third

I need say nothing about this drivel except to say that Richard III was knocking around in the late 15th century while Geoffrey Chaucer was writing one hundred years before. And yet what is this couplet from The Reeve’s Prologue:

“Deeth drough the tappe of lyf and leet it gon
From hence the rot of dehumanisation”

Not easy to make that rhyme apart from in old English. but then dehumanisation, being such a long word, is quite difficult to get your head around. Unless:

It’s easy to say
But if you’re not a hermit
You know the city’s OK

It is quite clear that Oakey should never be allowed near a pencil, let alone an music to write these stupid lyrics too. Blind Youth, I’m sure they were all clamouring to be deaf youth after this song came out.

Aug 04

I’m Only Human

I Hate Music3 comments • 1,155 views

So Phil Oakey said on the Human League song Human and handy it was too to know that he was not the kind of man-machine that his eerily synthesized music suggested he was. Eerily synthisized in the way that all crap things are eerie, redimentary knives and pots made by neanderthals which remind us that we have ancestors that were nothing more than animals. Now I am not suggesting that The Human League were cavemen compared to todays modern electronic music. One look at Moby and you will agree that he is as much of a genetic throwback as Oakey was, but looking at it from this angle – Phil’s claim for humanity might even be a boast.

He is, according to the song, “flesh and blood – a man”. Well it’s good to know he bleeds I suppose. But futhermore the other aspect of his humanity he seems to stress is his ability to make mistakes. Indeed he said he was “born to make mistakes”. Well at least he got that right. Being Boiled was a nice idea (if the idea was boiling the members of ver League), but as a song it was amistake. Don’t You Want Me always had the resounding answer of NO! round my gaff. And as for The Lebanon. If any song could be described a mistake, wrapped in a disaster hidden in a balls-up, it would be the Lebanon.

Which makes me wonder, if there were a real actual Human League, where would Phil Oakey be placed. Hmm, pretty low down I think. Possibly above Dave Gahan, for services to employing people who have no talent – oh – actually. I think all the musicians are clumped near the bottom, awaiting relegation.

Aug 04

I Hate Music lyric watch: The Beatles – “Nowhere Man”

I Hate Music1 comment • 690 views

He’s as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see

Imagine giving this offer to David Blunkett. Sorry mate, your current state of not being able to see at all is going to be down graded to the worst form of blindness of all. You can only see what you want to see. Of course his vision would still be impaired in as much as he would not be able to see all the asylum seekers who are constantly overloading this country* but bar that he would have almost perfect eyesight. Actually, including that he would have perfect eyesight. (I know I Hate Music is rarely a platform for political expression but when I come across an authoritarian like Blunkett I find it a great pity that he is not using his reforming zeal on truly deserving victims like musicians, not poor people form Albania.)

Perhaps the Beatles had never met a blind person. Maybe they really did not know that being “as blind as you can be” actual involves a complete loss in sight. I am sure there are plenty of people who have been as deaf as they can be after listening to the first three Beatles Album. And more whose eyes were put out after seeing the psychedelic nonsense that was Yellow Submarine.

*Insert political joke here.

Aug 04

I Hate Music lyric watch #18: Neil Diamond – “I Am, I Said”

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This song is Diamond N’s version of Descartes Cogito Ergo Sum. In Descartes version he proves that even if he doubts all of the world, there is still something which is doing the doubting, the unshakable belief that he is a thinking thing. From this he (ropily) derives the existence of the Universe, a benevolent god and an evil genius probably played by Alan Rickman if it is a good movie or Sting if it is a bad one.

Neil’s method is a little bit trickier. He manages to prove that chairs cannot hear early on inthis stanza:
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair

From this standpoint he then moves on to the delusional aspect of the workings of someone who may want to trick us. He uses a complex example, but unlike Descartes, he then identifies with the example and suggests that this is the actual case:
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story’s the same one

The flaw in this is that the changes Neil is remarking upon here are actually quite significant ones. Despite his lousy croaking voice, he was never ACTUALLLY a frog and now he is not ACTUALLY a king. However what Neil does do in this song is prove definitively that there is no single self deluding person. Because if there were, why on earth would they invent someone as ridiculous as him, writing songs quite this silly?

You Are – you said. You just did not say what you are. I think I can help on that front.

Aug 04


I Hate MusicPost a comment • 669 views


People often ask me what the most frustrating thing about my tireless campaign against music is. My answer, as I stick my boot in another jukebox, is comebacks. There is nothing more annoying than seeing a band that you have effectively destroyed due to subtle chart and career sabotage deciding to get back together again. The people in charge of the Here & Now tours are sworn enemies of mine, but now look. Even The Wonder Stuff have reformed.

I do not mind so much nostalgia/nausea tours. After all the bands in this case are not making anything new, and may be actively retarding peoples tastes so they never develop. Anything that stems the tide of new music is good. But when the reformed band start making new albums, it irritates me massively. The last thing I want to see is Miles “rhyming slang” Hunt in his tartan suit back on Top Of The Pops. I know it is highly unlikely, especially when you see what they have called their new album.


Trust me boys, Rubbish Island is not a place you can escape from. You carry it around wherever you go.