Mar 04

I HATE MUSICALS 1: The Sound Of Music

I Hate Music5 comments • 1,947 views

1: The Sound Of Music

Three and a half hours long! There are pregnant women in labour who don’t suffer for that long. Now I am no fascist but I bet I am not the only person egging on Rolf and his Nazi chums when they hunt down the Austrian version of the Brady Bunch in the final stages of the film. This is after all a film which is about someone not competent enough to be a Nun. Considering the onerous duties nun’s have we have to wonder about her mental state. From what I remember the duties of a nun are
a) Wearing a wimple
b) Being generally quiet, thoughtful and serene

(There is a c) which involves being stern and whipping children but this is predominantly in historic Irish dramas). Anyone who cannot pull off these two jobs not, as the nuns suggest of Maria here, a wilo the wisp, a flibberty-gibbit or even a clown. She is a mentally damaged imbicile and should not be left to look after six children. Especially children who turn twee into an artform. Much like Maria turns curtains into clothes. Do you remember the kid whose mum made him clothes out of curtains at school. No, me neither – I guess I repressed his tragic suicide from my mind.

I have often fantasised about the hill Julie Andrews twirls her way up at the start of the Stinking Sound Of Music. Hoping that this time the hill would suddenly end, leaving a gash in the landscape that she unfortunately tips herself down. Yodelling all the way down so those Men With a Beer With Its Head Afloat could hear*.

If any children of mine, rather than going to bed, took five minutes via a complex, multi-lingual song, I think I would send the right down the workhouse. The Von Trapp children are described as thoroughly naughty, but with all their girlie singing are about as hard as candy floss. The lyrical nonsense thrown up by this film is almost endless. “Edelwiess – I am happy to meet you” – it’s a plant! “I am sixteen going on seventeen” -you are sixteen going on six feet under if I had my way. “La – a note to follow soh” – what’s wrong with “La – a rubbish scouser band”?

As for Captain Von Trapp of the Austrian Navy. Austria is land locked. He just putts a few yacht’s around Lake Geneva. So we have a failed Nun, a pointless captain and a family of halfwitted children (especially the youngest one with a face like a sprout) – versus the Nazi’s. Am I really the only one cheering on the Nazi’s here? Go Rolf, go.

*The Lonely Goatherd also rhymes Table D’Hôte heard with the titular LG, forming possibly the worst rhyme in musical history.


  1. 1
    scott on 12 Aug 2007 #

    austria had en empire, which reached the coast when captain Von trapp was an admiral, they maybe a landlocked country but they can reach the sea

  2. 2
    Dave on 2 Jan 2009 #

    I think the deal with the good Capt Von Trapp and the Nazis hinged on the annexation of Austria by Germany and their desire to conscript him into the growing U-Boat service of the German Navy. If the Nazis had been successful, the hills would certainly not be alive with the sound of music. This is not because of the Von Trapp family being absorbed by the Nazi Reich, but because there was an astonishing 80% attrition rate among U-Boat sailors during WWII. It is very likely that the good Capt Von Trapp would have given his life in the service of the Nazi regime. I don’t think death in the service of Nazi’s make for happy plot lines in musicals. Given this scenario, the end of the Sound of Music would be more like Das Boot. I don’t think Christopher Plummer would have make a good Nazi anyway. Equally disturbing would be the sight Maria Von Trapp and the “Nazi Brady Bunch” singing Nazi anthems and war songs for Heinrich Himler and the SS.

  3. 3
    Maggie on 18 Apr 2009 #

    I find it hilarious that you’ve quite obviously watched this movie several times – one would think an intelligent person, after seeing a 3 hour long film they disliked so strongly, would simply not choose to watch again.
    But there you go.

  4. 4
    Ben on 7 Apr 2010 #

    Well, some people watched it far too often when they were young and had their tastes develop since then. I was among them. Of course, I sometimes wonder how it could have gone better, if the telegraph boy had been a Brechtian actor who appears as a totalitarian flunky even in the supposedly romantic scenes (his lines would go great that way).

    Of course, if it were up to me, every musical would be something along the lines of “The Threepenny Opera” or “Avenue Q.” Yet people apparently like “serious” romantic musicals. Go figure.

  5. 5
    MikeMacdonald on 28 Oct 2012 #

    I got bullied on Facebook while my friends force me to sing doe ray me and I extremely hate that song

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