I Hate Music

10
Aug 03

Starsailor? ARSE-HAILER

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Of course my serene mood was soon rudely shattered. While willing the thermometer ever higher, hoping for it to reach the happy point at which cheapo Taiwanese stereo components melt into unconductive puddles, a headline caught my eye that caused me to spit my morning gin all over the balcony (where it evaporated within minutes). “STARSAILOR RETURN”. Yes, I thought, just who you’d want to soundtrack Britain’s hottest ever Summer, eh? Though perhaps my cynicism was unwarranted, since their music sounds eerily like a baby mammoth slowly drowning in one of the tar pits Britain’s motorways have become.

Anyhow, the band Phil Spector would rather be jailed for life than produce are indeed returning. Apparently Chris Martin stepped in and funded the record as sales of his own needed a boost – “Don’t think you need a second copy? Look at the alternative my dear fellow.” Starsailor combine gall with stupidity though as their new single is called “Silence Is Easy”. Why yes Mr. Starsailor, silence is easy, considerably easier than being bricked around the ears on a regular basis by your unspeakable croakings. Or perhaps he is saying that silence is the easy option, the (admittedly appealing) life of a Trappist ascetic being of course a piece of piss compared to spending your days knocking out barrel-bottom trad rock about driving your poor Dad to drink. We’ll see how easy Starsailor bloke finds silence on his next tour, as he contemplates the yawning gaps between songs, filled only with embarrassed shuffling and the occasional polite cough.

8
Aug 03

Thus I have won

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I’ve only just noticed – and not because of the reason you might imagine. Possibly what that Tom Ewing fellow thought, I would be head down in an alcoholic stupor coming up only for alka-seltzer when he pulled this fast one. One day I return sluggishly to my computer and what do I see. Do You See?

I was momentarily shaken. Freaky Trigger has been the home of this admittedly lazy column for three years, and as star columnist surely I deserved a say in what was going on. A further delve uncovered something known as a brown wedge. I was aware of Pumpkin Publog before, I knew its proprietor was a bit of a skin flint when it came to the spirits based rounds. But all this was new to me. What has happened.

Then I read Tom’s intro. Does not mention the stirling work I have put in, but I got the gist. For all his saying that he was interested in other things only one throught resounded through me mind. Freaky Trigger used to have a subtitle. “We write about music”. Now it doesn’t.

Readers – I have won this battle. I see the hateful NYLPM is still around and while it is so will I be to batter and belittle musicians everywhere. But do not underestimate the importance of this victory dear reader. I Hate Music abides.