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Dec 02

HOW TO WRITE A BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG : A I HATE MUSIC CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE SPECIAL

I Hate Music7 comments • 4,529 views

HOW TO WRITE A BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG : A I HATE MUSIC CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE SPECIAL

1: Choose your era.
If you want to write a 70’s Springsteen song go to option 2.
If you want to write an 80’s Springsteen song go to option 3.
If you want to write a 90’s or later song go to option 4.

2:You have decided to write a 1970’s Bruce Springsteen song.
Read a local newspaper. Pick an issue (disaffected youths drag racing, or the closing down of local factories are good). Make sure your song has at least a couple of protagonists – at least one of each sex. Girls names must end in the letter Y, it is much easier to rhyme. Now you must decide if you want this to be an introspective number or you want to justify paying the E Street Band.
If you want to write a ballad go to option 5.
If you want to write a rabble rousing rock stonker go to option 6.

3:You have decided to write a 1980’s Bruce Springsteen song.
Read a national newspaper. Pick an issue (disaffected twenty somethings annoyed by the government or the closing down of entire national industries are good). Your songs do not need protagonists, you speak for all of America now. However you still have to decide over quiet and loud.
If you want to write a ballad which will make the whole world cry go to option 5.
If you want to write a rabble rousing rock stonker whose lyrics will be misunderstood (even though you planned on that in the first place to sell more records) go to option 6.

4: You have decided to write a 1990’s or later Bruce Springsteen song.
Read the world section of a newspaper. If you can’t find this in America you can always try Time Magazine, Newsweek or pick up a foreign paper when you are touring abroad. Pick an issue (pandemic diseases or the closing down of entire global industries are good). Pick a protagonist, preferably male and extra preferably borrowed from American literature.
If you want to write a ballad go to option 5.
If you want to write a rabble rousing rock stonker you should have picked another period – 90’s Springsteen doesn’t do that stadium rock bollocks. Go to 5 instead but pick up a drum machine on the way.

5: You have decided to write a ballad.
These are supposed to be sad so they should be slow, only employ half of the E Street Band and involve you singing the chorus very slowly somewhere along the line whilst doing an impression of the cookie monster. The whole affair should end on a pessimistic downbeat note, preferably with the death of a character.

6: You have decided to write a rabble rousing rock stomper (check its not the nineties, if it is go straight to 5 – you are not allowed in here).
Get all of the E Street Band together put your foot on the monitors and ROCK OUT. Remember the cliched sentiments in the lyrics don’t matter because the music is too driving to coherently listen to them. Make sure there is a big saxophone break. The whole affair should end with a drum roll, cymbal smash and you wiping your forehead – preferably with a sweatbanded wrist.

There, you have written a Bruce Springsteen song, and are now eligible to come number two in the best album of the year charts in Uncut and Mojo for the rest of eternity. You will have to start writing about space soon though.

Comments

  1. 1
    Clive St. Badminton on 5 Dec 2007 #

    Excellent article. I too think that Bruce Springsteen is desperately awful.

  2. 2
    Ballbreaker Zuccolotto on 21 Apr 2008 #

    Fail.

  3. 3
    Doctormod on 17 Jun 2008 #

    I’ve never heard Springsteen explained so well. I couldn’t have done it better myself.

  4. 4
    masnel on 3 Feb 2009 #

    please don’t ever delete this article. hysterically accurate.

  5. 5
    masnel on 3 Feb 2009 #

    …and timely, yet again.

  6. 6
    Vince Jackson on 19 Dec 2009 #

    I just tweeted this, it is very funny and I totally agree :) – Vince Jackson

  7. 7
    phil on 21 Mar 2010 #

    Wonderful satire, he says sarcastically. I mean, that pretty much describes any song that’s “about something” as opposed to just boy band ramble.
    Next time, aim for more specific references so as to truly bring your satire to life. This was simply belaboring the point that you don’t like Springsteen — which, incidentally, probably means you haven’t listened enough to understand what you are trying to farce. Not that that should change your opinion, hate him all ya want, but it’s kinda getting sad how many people “publish” trash talk online when they clearly haven’t taken the time to form an educated opinion.

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