FIRST I WAS AFRAID, I WAS PETRIFIED – or how to leave a party with dignity in tact
FIRST I WAS AFRAID, I WAS PETRIFIED – or how to leave a party with dignity in tact
Well Gloria, it�s a crying shame this fear did not manifest itself as much-deserved stage-fright on account of your shockingly bad cabaret act, or in fact, literal turning to stone. Although, fair do�s Ms. Gaynor, this song is a very good method of psycho-social classification.
Picture the scene: you are at a party at a friend of a friend�s house. You don�t know that many people. You�re drinking some warm Cabernet Sauvignon and you dare not re-trace your earlier abandoned beer-can, for fear of fag-butt hitting back of throat shocker. Some hep cat (ahem) sees fit to slap on a 70s CD. Much of the gathering are deemed to be arses of vast proportions for dancing to YMCA (is it worse or better to get the �C� the wrong way round? Abstinence is the only honourable course). Some people are hanging back – good for them, you think. On comes Mamma Gloria belching out her so-called rally call to sisters of both sexes – and most kick off their shoes and boogy, expansive arm-movements, miming, tears, hair-renting. The shameful bastards. You now know who you can feasibly talk to or decide your actions (A) with the help of this easy equation:
x = number of people dancing to YMCA
y = number of people dancing to I Will Survive
n= total number at party
A= n – (x+/or y)
taxi-fare home
If the answer is greater than one – you might enjoy another hour of the party before feeling compelled to start a fight, if Abba hasn�t made an appearance so far, it�s only a matter of time. Below one – go home, it�s not going to get better, unless you hanker after ghastly tearful rebound snog to Thank you For The Music. Top conversational gambit: “You�re so easy to talk to, I feel like I�ve known you for ages”. Now where�s that mini-cab number? Tanya is out of here. Alone.
Tanya Headon in I Hate Music • 2,745 views
