18
Jul 00

THERE IS NO SWEARING IN “I SWEAR” BY ALL-4-ONE

I Hate MusicPost a comment • 408 views

THERE IS NO SWEARING IN “I SWEAR” BY ALL-4-ONE

Swearing is clever, in real life as in music. My objection is to UNNECESSARILY COY SWEARING. This occurs when the artistís natural predilection for BEING RUDE is suffocated by their labelís desire for airplay/greed. The result is some of the most cringeworthy records from every possible genre.

“Rock”
Exhibit A in this trial of champions: “Letís Get Rocked” by Def Leppard. Now, “fuck” is a swearword. “Rock”, although denoting something that is obscene and unacceptable to the general public, is patently not a swearword. Craggy sweating blonde men querying “I suppose a Rockís out of the question?”. Ha fucking ha but no thanks.

“Freak”
“Freak” is not a swearword either, particularly as used in “Freak Me” by Another Level. Certainly, given their already very freakish qualities, I donít expect that many of the members of Another Level would need much more freaking in order for them to become dangerously freaked. If, on the other hand, it is a simply a shag theyíre after, I would suggest that they might be better off just asking for it.

“Funk”
Who have we got to thank for the tragic tale of urban ennui that is “Funk Dat”? My Lord, itís none other than Sagat! In the “clubs-only”, adult version, Sagat sounds like one tough hombre whoís had enough of the travails of modern city living. In the radio version (went to no.25 in Great Britainís Top Forty), he comes across as a whiney narcissist who hasnít had a friend since he told his last one to piss off after he called him once too often on his home phone. “Maaaaaaaan, FUNK DAT!” To paraphrase ODB, I donít have a problem with you fucking me. I have a BIG BASTARD PROBLEM with you funking me.

“Ass”
Hmmm, is it rude or isnít it rude? The Americans obviously think it is, otherwise they wouldnít have made a fuss about “I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)” by Groove Armada, insisting on it being changed to “Shaking That Thang”. Of course, if they had shown any sense at they, they would have insisted on the whole bastard piece of shit record was changed to, say, four minutes of silence on a CD. Groove Armada got it wrong first time out, though, because “Shaking that Arse” is much ruder and has a rather pleasing rustic Britishness to it.

“Tits”
Sorry, there are no records with the word “tits” in them. Made you look though.

“Pumping”
Supergrass. Four guys from Oxford. I donít think any of them are aged under five, although the giggling, “you-show-me-yours, Iíll-show-you-mine”-edness, of “Pumping on Your Stereo” suggests differently. And Iím sorry but “humping” is, if anything, LESS RUDE than “pumping”. So it fails on all counts. And the songís bollox.

“Sh..”
Cypress Hill are not a band that would generally be described as reticent. But in their 1993 hit “When the Sh.. Goes Down”, you canít help but think that they are singing about some ferry disaster. If they want to say “shit”, why canít they just say “shit”. Especially as this is such total shit. Such abbreviation is the musical equivalent of the use of asterisks to denote swearing, as is usually found in fanzines written by 14-year-olds and in IPC publications. Bunch of c***s.

Coy swearing – leave it out.

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