Want to impress the ladies with your sensitive side fella’s? Why be content with merely owning a Jonathon Richman record, when you can be Jonathon Richman? Its easy:
1. If you really are sensitive, you have probably been in a number of fights and lost them. Think back on these experiences. They form the substance of your melancholia. (This is also step one of being Jarvis Cocker, Morrissey and the singer from Korn.)
2. Learn how to play the guitar from a book. When you can play two chords, and can almost do an F except it hurts a bit, stop.
3. Get together the loosest band in the world. Make sure they know the same chords as you. Make sure your drummer only owns two pieces of kit, preferably not a bass drum.
4. Jot down your most useless thoughts during the day. For instance, you notice how if you look at it in a funny way, a jar of pickled chilli’s looks much like a batch of wrestling mini alligators. There – you have just written a song called “Wrestling Jalepeno Alligators”. See how people avoid walking on cracks in pavement, and feel bad about the cracks feeling unappreciated – you have written a song called “I Feel Bad For Sidewalk Cracks”.
5. Do not worry if your tiny thought cannot fill a full three minute pop song of lyrics. It is perfectly fine to repeat lines, verses and words – especially if you cannot think of anything to rhyme with Alligator. If the worst happens, doobie-do or doidy doi are perfectly acceptable lyrics.
6. Sing in a fey way, slightly out of tune and out of time with the rest of your band (its okay, you can fire them, its their fault). Tour lots, be surprisingly grumpy when anyone asks you to play anything that you have written which might have accidentally turned out half decent and then be hailed as a misunderstood, underappreciated genius.
Unfortunately, much like owning a Modern Lovers record, this stuff does not impress the girls. They will just laugh at you and kick figurative sand in your puny face. You will then go home to your basement apartment, cry and write a song about this called “Figurative Sand In My Face”. The first line will be “She laughed at me and kicked figurative sand in my face.” The second line will be “Doobie do, in my face, what a waste, in my face”.