Things to know when running a low rent club / youth club / burlesque joint:
1) I doesn’t matter how shitty your club is, for some reason it has been sited on an important piece of real estate that some evil developer wants to buy (even if he keeps coming to your club all the time to ogle the 12A nudie girls)
2) Those letters that the bank keep sending you. Read them. Don’t just leave them to your ex husband and co-owner of the club else he might start talking to that developer.
3) Staff cost money. Really. That is your number one overhead in running a burlesque club. (Well that and buying massive light up letters that spell Burlesque for one number). Those twelve dancers, five wait staff, three barmen and having Alan Cumming on the door even if he only gets three lines in the film cannot have been cheap. If you have decided that all the songs are going to be lip synced, even if it is only for plot purposes, you do not need to hire an eight piece band to play the music. You certainly don’t need to employ a man whose sole job it is to TURN THE CD WITH THE VOCAL TRACK ON.
4) That new plucky member of staff who wants to work for no money and is so poor that the only research she can do on Burlesque dancing is from books*, not only is she a keeper but just let her audition. You are having auditions anyway. Fake plot hoops are not really plot hoops at all.
5) You know that bitch who is always late, and tries to get everyone into trouble and is an alcoholic? Fire her. You don’t need that kind of trouble in the club. Fire her again when she turns up to say sorry. She’s a bitch.
6) You know that waitress who turned out to be so good and have mutant lungs that you built the whole new show around her? Become her agent and pimp her out to better clubs because your club was already packed at the start of the film, you aren’t going to be making any more money by writing a whole new show (unless you use it as an excuse to fire people, like the lip sync CD guy).
7) If you have got a week to save the club, writing and demoing a new number that solely consists of yourself, Cher (in shaky cam and mid-distance gauze) singing a mopey ballad is not going to be the winning number. Though see 6) regarding the club already being busy.
8) Notwithstanding 6), if you want to use your mutant lunged waitress to drum up more custom, write her some decent songs. And when writing those songs please remember that Burlesque IS NOT A VERB.
9) I hope you aren’t paying Stanley Tucci too.
10) When it comes down to the eleventh hour and the club absolutely has run out of money PUT ON A BENEFIT SHOW. Invite members of the bank. Maybe a reality TV show. Anything but use a legal and property law solution. Did Herbie buy the Air Rights above the club? Would Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney decide not to “do the show right here” and instead employ a lawyer. Did Cliff Richards spend time down the Land Registry in The Young Ones? No. And so it might make your film finish quicker but you have cheated us – Burlesque – from the correct ending of this kind of film.
By the way Christina, you are pretty good in this kiddie Showgirls with midgets. But you should have done some quality control with the songs. I left humming the legal argument.
*Super cute moment this mind.