Italy, for their part, suck up all the Paraguayan pomp into a black hole. They take their time. They wait for the right pass. And wait. And wait. Then near the end, with Paraguay having worked themselves into exhaustion, Italy start to break forth but just as they reach the penalty area, the whistle goes. A no score drawer. Italy the most impressive, but if they keep these tactics they will lose easily against any team who are more worried about trying to poke the ball between the big rectangle thing.

Italy for me here; while I was all set to root for the underdog, especially an underdog who fielded a pop-metal team, especially especially an underdog pop-metal act with a female vocalist, if she can’t stay on key she might as well be sent off for handling.

Seriously, though, I’m kinda offended by this in much the same way others were offended by the ENG and USA first round picks. If the approach is supposed to be a homage to Argento, then how about some Goblin or Morricone next time?

Not wowed by Paraguay either – all criticisms upthread very valid. But they still edge the match for me.

Paraguay seems to have decided they were going to play an aggressively physical game all 90 minutes, but haven’t formulated what that means exactly. It’s like Paraguay is frustrated by Italy’s ball control and spent a lot of time running into one another.

Before this match is over, I expect to see a lot of yellow cards and maybe even an injury or two, but still end in a 0-0 draw.

As it turns out, 90 minutes of acting like there isn’t even a ball and just glowering at the Paraguayans may actually suffice. Running their socks off with no let-up PAR try and prise the ball from ITA, repeatedly falling over or just being kicked in the knees. The frontwoman cannot seem to connect with her strike partner’s set-ups and their attempts on goal sail high over the bar. Only then do they realise they’re actually playing with a KITTEN, cruelly tossed onto the pitch by snarling slag-metal Ultras. If there’s anyone left standing after this I’ll be surprised.

Frankly as NZ boss so up against both, I’m perturbed. We’ll really have to work on our funk soul Haka…

Er. I’ll have to come back to this one.

I think the Italy track knows full well that it is very silly and comical.

Actually it occurs to me that if anyone is patrolling borders it’s you with your “silly Eurovision” / “real” distinction.

Of course it would still lose against anything I half-liked but PAR have scored an own goal by opting for possibly my least favourite type of music ever, stupid Eurovision metal. Couldn’t get through it and find the hypnotic ITA sludge way more pleasurable tbh. Metal is not my thing at all but real metal >>>>>>> silly Eurovision metal, just because that equation is true regardless of what you substitute for “metal”.

Paraguay are on for a win here and this sort of pop metal formation has done well for other teams in previous tournaments, although there’s the lingering sense they’re trying to pull off more than their technical ability allows. But it’s enough against this opposition.