3
Jul 09

Films Are Short – GET A NEW BLADDER

FT + TMFD7 comments • 264 views

Things I have never really understood.

a) Pies at football
b) People going to the toilet during a movie

Both of these are predicated on the same issue really. Football matches take less than two hours. They take place, usually, in the afternoon – cannily timed between usual meal times. And yet at half time there are queues for the pie stall you cannot believe. You would think they were knocking out tubs of Ambrosia (foor of gods not rice pudding) for the stampede for a piss poor Pukka. Can’t you wait or do you have to graze at every opportunity?*

Ditto, films are usually about two hours long. I was taught, post potty training, how to hold it in for at least that long. Perhaps you had a few beers beforehand, perhaps you are drinking a VAT of coke. Perhaps this will add strain but you only have yourself to blame. Nevertheless for NAMBY PAMBIES with peanut sized bladders there is now a useful i-Phone App. Introducing RunPee: an application that tells you the best time in a film to have a wee. HAS IT COME TO THIS?

So this app tells you when the dull bits are, what you’ve missed (since dull bits are often, you know, dialogue and how long you have before something good happens). You can even since a timer to the start of a film and have it notify you of the dull bits. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING MORE ANNOYING THAN SOMEONE LEAVING THE CINEMA FOR A PISS IS SOMEONE USING THEIR MOBILE PHONE JUST BEFORE.

In some ways this is an interesting development. It has clearly invented a new, piss friendly, way of reviewing films. (The example above would present a possible problem: what are the dull bits in Crank 2?) But really. If you cannot go two hours without have a whizz, then you shouldn’t really be allowed out of the house without a catheter.

*This rule does not apply to Cricket which is designed to drink and have a picnic, or baseball where the food poisoning associated with the hotdog is the only suspense you might get all night.

Comments

  1. 1
    SteveM on 3 Jul 2009 #

    I had to go 30 minutes into Watchmen at the IMAX (at least i’d already seen it). That was MOIDER. If I drink beer before a long film there’s no way I’ll make it thru.

  2. 2
    Al Ewing on 3 Jul 2009 #

    Breaking the seal just before is a bad idea, no matter how sensible it might seem. Not only are you breaking the seal, you’re acknowledging the possibility that you might need to go during the film, which puts it in the back of your subconscious like a ticking time bomb.

  3. 3
    lonepilgrim on 3 Jul 2009 #

    I remember when films like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Lawrence of Arabia had an intermission – for pies, popcorn or a pee.

  4. 4
    logged-out Tracer Hand on 3 Jul 2009 #

    Someone once told me of another movie-reviewing system, also involving urine. You drink a large coke as quickly as possible right at the start of the movie. If you end up enduring the discomfort rather than miss a precious two minutes of running time, that means the movie was good. Of course this guarantees that all good movies will be watched in a state of low-level panic and irritation but such are the demands of science.

  5. 5
    Martin on 3 Jul 2009 #

    I need this: I urinate once a week … but my favorite movie is Shoah. (The talky bits are the ones to miss.)

  6. 6
    Prostate Gland on 5 Jul 2009 #

    Ahem, I believe gentlemen of the dicky prostate persuasion might actually find this quite useful, you ‘orrible younguns.

  7. 7
    Ben on 8 Jul 2009 #

    I too dislike people dashing out to go pee mid-film, disturbing the action for others in the cinema. That said, I was forced to take at least 3 toilet breaks during ‘Titanic’ – I blamed it on the volume of running water on screen, as well as the sheer mind-numbing boredom induced by the film itself.

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