Mar 09

Revival Of Movie Series Fails To Recreate Confessions Movie Magic

FT3 comments • 846 views

The “Confessions” Movie sequence has to be one of the most schizophrenic (non-medical usage) of the movie sequences out there. As such the films have run the gamut of movie stylings from bawdy sex comedy to rom-com via spy and teen movies. However only one of them has been highlighted as the symptom of the complete downfall of western civilization. Here is a quick run-down of the eight fot you, which one was said to be a sign of the end times?

Confessions Of A Window Cleaner (1974) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly window cleaner who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with housewives.

Confessions Of A Pop Performer (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly minor pop star who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with screaming pop fans (perhaps screaming because he is so ugly). Remade as Almost Famous by Cameron Crowe.

Confessions Of A Driving Instructor (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly driving instructor who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with screaming driving testees. Mike Leigh’s Happy-Go-Lucky is a partial remake.

Confessions From A Holiday Camp (1975) Robin Askwith plays a clumsy ugly redcoat who infeasibly has lots of sex and gets into surprising situations with holidaymakers. Pilot episode of Hi-De-Hi.

Confessions Of A Trick Baby (1999) AKA Freeway II, a strange remake of Hansel & Gretel in a teenage girl reform School, with lashings of lesbianism, murder and Vincent Gallo as a transgendered nun. Still lots of sex however.

Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind (2002) George Clooney directs Julia Roberts, Sam Rockwell and himself in a strange biopic of Chuck Barris, Gong Show host and part time spy (so he says). Less sex than the previous Confessions movies.

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen (2004) The lesser of Lindsey Lohan’s teen movies from 2004, this Confessions is low on innovation and really low on clumsy and inappropriately prurient sex scenes.

Confessions Of A Shopaholic (2009) Isla Fisher plays a shopaholic wannabe fashion journalist who becomes a celebrity debt columnist instead. The idea of there being such a things as a celebrity debt columnist notwithstanding, Fisher gamely pratfalls her way though stock situations while the film tries to explain how buying stuff can be a bad thing, albeit whilst advertising said bad stuff all the time.

That’s right. Confessions Of A Shopaholic is the bad one here. Despite easy sex and horrors of the Robin Askwith Confessions films, the lax morality of the lesploitation movie “Trick Baby” and the social conformity of “Drama Queen”. I can’t think of much negative to say about “Dangerous Mind” except that it wasn’t anything to do with Dangerous Minds and thus was sorely let down by a lack of Coolio on its soundtrack. Shopaholic is a pretty ropey rom-com, but its not a sign of the end times. Nothing Isla Fisher does can be truly apocalyptic.


  1. 1
    Mark M on 23 Mar 2009 #

    Trick Baby is a truly, truly bonkers film (appropriately starring the ‘troubled’ Natasha Lyonne), that had me dizzy even before Vincent turns up. Everything that worked in Freeway (which is a great movie) was cranked up until no longer quite works…

    There’s actually plenty of sex in Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind.

    We snuck in to see Confessions Of A Window Cleaner when I was about seven – it was being shown at the British Country Club* in Warsaw on a Sunday afternoon. I’m guessing the kids were just meant to make our entertainment. All I remember is the bubbles on the kitchen floor scene.

    *Imagine quite how extraordinarily bleak this place was in a Communist country in 1977 – I remember a huge rusted metal tank, something like a gas holder, which supposedly had once been a swimming pool, although it hadn’t been used in a many years. We amused ourselves there by chucking glass bottles at the wall.

  2. 2

    you could write an awesome (fsvo) film called “confessions of a beautiful mind” about a clumsy ugly deluded paranoid ugly maths genius who wants to get laid* but does not believe his pulling technique needs changing as change will only help him out if the girls all change theirs, which they won’t because they don’t expect him to change his (a pash equilibrium if you will)

    \n/ \n/ \n/

    *original DID say “paid”, yes, mr freud, oh very insightful i’m sure…

  3. 3
    Pete on 24 Mar 2009 #

    I really liked Trick Baby, until I say Freeway and realised that this was what he was trying to do again. (I saw Freeway at the “unsung gems” season the Bfi did a few years ago which they really should do every year with a different curator).

    Poor old Natasha Lyonne, had a nice little run and then, as far as I know, went a bit drugs dustbin on us.

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