Jan 08

If you’re havin’ tent problems, I feel bad for you son…

Blog 7 + FT/26 comments • 1,281 views

following the actually not great time i had last year (PLEASE, someone take forward the supporters trust idea with my blessing), i have comprehensively and unequivically sworn off going to glastonbury this year (it will be the first one i’ve missed since 1995), but for those of you still interested, it’s the same registration process as last year (pound to a penny that they extend it past the end of february again as well), no doubt with the same passing on of emails to mean fiddler to cross promote events.
Jay-Z, waterproof trousers not pictured
but, hey, good news for all the “teens” out there who have been staying away in droves over the last few years as the site has filled with 30-something middle managers like me, Michael (or MC ME (OBE) to his “homies” in the pilton ‘hood) has got some exciting news:

I’m putting on a black American headliner, who’s absolutely terrific that’s going to appeal to those people.

so if you are “those people” i’m sure you’ll have a lovely time. Speculation is RIFE about who this person might be, from Little Stevie Wonder to Natalie Cole, but we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that one major star has, in fact, attended Glastonbury previously, although he did encounter a few challenges or, some might say, “problems”, which we list for you below:

· Jay-Z’s gold chain has fallen off in the mud in front of a portaloo.
· Jay-Z would like some real ale but it’s a 20 minute walk to the workers beer tent by the acoustic stage and by the time he gets there Nas will be doing his acoustic set and might diss him on stage.
· Jay-Z has tripped over a guyrope.
· Jay-Z has forgotten to bring a tin opener
· Jay-Z has camped next to a group of young people who’ve kept him up all night with their n1tr0us-related antics
· Jay-Z can’t decide whether to see Billy Bragg on the acoustical stage or Stewart Lee in the comedy tent
· Jay-Z has a bit of a dicky tummy from eating a dodgy spring roll
· Nas has stolen Jay-Z’s wellies
· Jay-Z is unable to pitch his tent anywhere other than right next to the New Bands tent.
· Jay-Z has been queuing for a cashpoint for 25mins now and is only half way down the queue and is in desperate need of a wee.
· Jay-Z’s mobile phone battery is dead and he’s not sure where is friends are and the only alternative is standing around vainly near the Other Stage mixing desk while Mika is playing.
· Jay-Z has forgotten the words to “Ticket To Wine”
· The bottom bit has come off of Jay-Z’s dadstool.
· Jay-Z has just run into his ex’s new other half who is really nasty to him, and he has to go back to his tent for a cry
· Jay-Z is relying on Twitter to meet up with his friends.
· Jay-Z can’t decide if it is worse to have soaking wet legs or risk Nas seeing him wear his sensible waterproof trousers.
· Jay-Z’s Dad stool has a bent leg.
· Jay-Z has been waiting for the coach for four hours in the rain when the single person in charge of all of the London lines gives an ambiguous instruction, and the already tentative queue collapses altogether and turns into an angry scrum.
· Jay-Z has just finished his second two litre bottle of perry

the “what are Jay-Z’s 99 problems?” game was invented by several of your FT regulars at a delightful boutique festival we attended last summer, and is an hilarious way to spend the rest of your life an hour or two, please feel free to add more glastonbury-related problems in the comments box


  1. 1
    Neil on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has spent his last £5 on what he thought were drugs, but it instead turned out to be oregano.

  2. 2
    Pete on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has dropped his mobile down one of the long drop toilets and he can see it’s ringing with a message from Beyonce.
    Jay-Z has just dropped his sausage off of his tartiflette
    Jay-Z thought the Klaxons were doing a DJ set but it was actually their appalling live act.

  3. 3
    katstevens on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z is unsure whether there is a man dressed as a giant pineapple standing infront of him or whether it is actually a giant pineapple standing infront of him, but is too scared to ask the giant pineapple if he can touch one of his spiky bits in order to find out.

  4. 4
    Neil on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z is struggling to make a roll-up cigarette, but somehow all his Rizlas have got all wet and stuck together.

  5. 5
    Mark G on 10 Jan 2008 #

    jay-z is definitelly not as pop as many call him
    jay-z is picked apart on the thundering ether
    jay-z is my favorite artist so i am definitely
    jay-z is the man thsi is by far the best work jay
    jay-z is the reigning emperor of hip
    jay-z is one of the first rappers to be added to the list of performers in the series
    jay-z is having a ball
    jay-z is so angry at damon dash that he’s talking about leaving roc
    jay-z is a bitch

  6. 6
    katie on 10 Jan 2008 #

    There are spiders in Jay-Z’s tent! Jay-Z hates spiders!

  7. 7
    RickyT on 10 Jan 2008 #

    The waterproofing on Jay-Z’s brand new Roc-A-Wear cagoule has stopped working.

  8. 8
    Pete Baran on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has just realised he is supposed to be on the Dance East Stage, not the Dance West stage and therefore he has just embarrassed himself by getting into a huge fight with Steve Hillage and System 7.
    Jay-Z is not as hard as Steve Hillage

  9. 9
    RickyT on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has awoken to find his sleeping bag soaked through. He now realises why Nas was mocking him for smoking badly made blunts in his tent.

  10. 10
    Steve on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z (aka Sean Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine) wants to replace the wellies he had stolen by Nas but the only ones left are shocking pink and one size lower than he needs.

  11. 11
    Tom on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has woken up too late to go back to sleep but an hour earlier than everyone else and is now lying in his tent listening to Cam’ron snoring.

    Jay-Z has come back from the beer tent and realised he forgot to get Nas a pint, so ends up giving Nas his own one with a thin veneer of good humour.

    Jay-Z has bought a comedy hat from a stand on the way to the Other Stage and is wondering now soon he can take it off without it being obvious to Nas that he realises it was a stupid idea.

  12. 12
    Tom on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z, on the coach, finds himself sitting behind two students who are in the middle of a three hour conversation about childrens TV and what the second Pigeon Detectives album might be like.

  13. 13
    Alix on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z wasn’t getting any effect from the h4sh brownies he ate a while back so he’s eaten 5 more..

  14. 14
    Tom on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay Z spent fifteen minutes yesterday thinking of a really funny message for the Glastonbury Times and the fuckers at Q haven’t printed it.

  15. 15
    Marcello Carlin on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z shot Sean Rowley’s head off after he played “Hard Knock Life” in the Guilty Pleasures tent.

  16. 16
    Pete Baran on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z accidentally put himself forward for audience participation in the cabaret tent and now a woman in a tutu and a Tony Blair mask has got him to hold a scimitar while she runs into it into a symbolic gesture of futilty.
    Jay-Z has just seen Nas walk into the cabaret tent and notice him.
    Jay-Z has seen Beyonce walk into the cabaret tent and notice him, and the surprising boner he has for the artist in the tutu.
    Jay-Z realises he fancies Tony Blair. Or at least a rubbery Blair in a tutu.

  17. 17
    RickyT on 10 Jan 2008 #

    For the last 45 minutes, Jay-Z has been sitting in the Tiny Tea-Tent, next to some hippy girl and an aged crusty who have been talking about their spiritual beliefs for the whole time. He would try to leave, only every time he stands up he gets such a crippling head rush that he has to sit straight back down again.

  18. 18
    Alan on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-z is trying to re-find his mates in the main field by lining up the milk stall with the meeting place, and the pylon with the windmill. however he is still about 20 metres away and everyone is now standing up (except his mates) so he may as well be in a different field for all that was worth.

    and now someone is burning plastic and bringing on his asthma

  19. 19
    katstevens on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z is starting to realise that the big tree at the back of the Pyramid stage field really doesn’t offer any shelter from the downpour, no matter how good Gogol Bordello are.

  20. 20
    fivelongdays on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has realised that Castle Combe is a wee bit arse-end of nowhere.
    Jay-Z is annoyed that, despite all the hype about Glasto, and all Eavis’s wittering about how many different sorts of acts he puts on, the chinstrapped wonder refuses to book metal acts. Pah!

  21. 21
    RickyT on 10 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z has got mud on ‘Little Sean’.

  22. 22
    Matt DC on 12 Jan 2008 #

    Jay-Z isn’t able to get a proper view of Chas and Dave because 50 Cent is standing in front of him waving a Wolves flag directly in his line of view. Deliberately.

  23. 23
    DV on 19 Jan 2008 #

    I wish someone would run with your supporters’ trust idea, if only so something could be done about the way furreners have to pick up their tickets in Shepton Mullet.

  24. 24
    Pete on 3 Feb 2008 #


    Jay-Z AND Neil Diamond. Maybe I will go…

  25. 25
    Tom on 4 Jun 2008 #

    Well I never:


  26. 26
    DJ Punctum on 4 Jun 2008 #

    As usual, I suppose it’s too much to ask Guardian music “writers” to come up with their own, original ideas, especially on the pittance they get paid, rather than steal them from the internet while simultaneously whining about “jealous/not proper journalists/Camden should be for local people” cont p 94.

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