The Bible Of Badness: Old DEUTERONOMY
Cats.
I hate Cats. I hate the Stray Cats, I hate the Pussycat Dolls, I hate the Love Cats by the Cure. But most of all I hate Cats the Musical. I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber, that is a given, but previously I cannot say I had been troubled by T.S.Eliot. But once his not very good poems were turned into lyrics, well suddenly the mans anagram made sense. This was toilets. Ironically the French word for Cat is Chat, pronounced Shat, which is exactly the process I imagine Richard Stilgoe and Lloyd-Webber’s music did to Eliot’s poetry. All over it.
One wonders why Cats was so popular. Was it the whimsical treatment of highbrow art. Was it a sentimental animal loving British public, soft in the head for cheapo spandex anthropomorphism? Could it be the heart rending (which one would imagine would be painful) rendition of Memories by Elaine Page? No it was none of these. Men took their wives to Cats so they could look at the nubile young dancers dressed up as Cats with barely anything on. In the dark days of the Eighties it was cheaper than going to a strip show, albeit more furry friendly. Of course they were often let down when they truned out and realised that the entire cast were actually dressed like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard Of Oz.
Which brings us to Old Deutoronomy. The song suggests that he is an Old Cat. Taking the nine lives thing more than literally the track insipidly fits half arsed rhymes together whilst another dancer booted out of the RAD dons an extra pair of whiskers and gets to dance slowly for a bit. But looking closer at the lyrics you’d think it would be possible to note where Eliot leaves, and Stilgoe takes over:
Well of all things can it be really
No, yes, ho, hi, oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy
But no. That ho-hi sub-Tolkein Tom Bombadil nonsense is in the original! Stilgoe is not responsible*. So not only do I hate music, I think I Hate Poetry now too. And ballet school dropouts with stick on tails. Cos I hate cats.
*For the theme tune to Finders Keepers and the lyrics to Starlight Express he still deserves a slow roasting in hell.
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FT's perhow on December 20th, 2006
I really need this extreme anti-music stuff.. It cleanses me after all the raving and the partisan criticism.. You’re just so sure and appealing.. Just when I thought you’d disappeared two years ago :)
Amy on May 10th, 2007
What a closed-minded cunt you are. Closed-minded and uncultured. It’s people like you whom I’m unsure whether to get annoyed at, or laugh at.
You’re quite pathetic. Do you really think you’re making a difference by publishing your idiotic thoughts? SHUT. THE HELL UP. YOU FUZZBAG.
And GET a DAMN LIFE!
FT's byebyepride on May 10th, 2007
Dear Amy, would you talk to your mother like that?
Unamused on May 13th, 2007
Richard Stilgoe had nothing to do with Cats. At least bother to get your facts right before you go slagging something off!
Tanya on May 14th, 2007
Stilgoe wrote additional lyrics for Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats. Which says is ALL!
FT's pˆnk s lord sükråt cunctør on May 14th, 2007
stilgoe is an anagram of G.S.ELIOT
Marcello Carlin on May 14th, 2007
except the lyrics to Cats were written by Trevor Nunn, which is an anagram of NON-TV RERUN
trouble maker on October 17th, 2007
Didn’t your mother ever sing you a lullaby?????????
Grace on October 25th, 2007
You are one of those ballet school drop outs arent you?? You still didn’t even make cats and now you have to have a cry about it so everyone thinks you are cool and that you let it roll off you shoulder hahahaha loser
Somebody on April 5th, 2008
What the fuck is wrong with you? You obviously have no life outside of ripping on music that is actually quite good. If you would drag your head out off your ass for about three seconds you might just notice that. But so far it appears that you are too much of a god damn idiot to but yourself through the physical ordeal that thinking is for you.
Burn in hell.
Cats was Crap on December 21st, 2008
Just saw CRAPS. I thought it was the worst musical I’ve seen. No story. Nothing interesting. A bunch of cats dancing for 2 plus hours. I am dumbfounded by the popularity of this thing!