TORCHWATCH: Cyborg vs Pterosaur FITE!

So we are four weeks in on the Doctor Who spin-off, and my telebox almost exploded with joy when it sensed that there might be a Robot vs Dinosaur Fite! in the episode Cyberwoman. Let us move swiftly on from Captain Jack’s masterplan of siccing an ancient creature on a electrical weapon toting killing machine, and instead consider how close this episode got to the cinematic platonic ideal.

Robots vs Dinosaur: FITE! is about as close to the perfect ideal of adventure cinema you can get. The fact it has been so rarely attempted shows the paucity of ideas in Hollywood today. And it took BBC Wales to get the closest to it in years. Close. But not quite there. Because as any six year old will tell you (after reading Wikipedia): a Pterodactyl is not actually a dinosaur as that term exclusively refers to terrestrial reptiles with an upright stance (as commonly seen in Dinosaur Comics).

So okay, Robot vs Pterosaur Fite: right? Sorry, the Cyberwoman in question is not strictly a robot, clearly still having human parts such as a face and belly button (nice to see that the prudish Cybermen thought it fit to prioritise a cyberbra over body armour). Therefore as a human augmented by machinery, she was just a Cyborg, albeit one resembling a cross between Cleopatra Jones and the Bride Of Pinbot.

Fun load of nonsense anyway, and load of nonsense it surely was. But has anyone else noticed the subtext of Torchwood? Who are the real badmen here? The so called good guys going around accidentally killing people when they play with their alien tech, or the aliens - in their suit and ties? Let us examine the plots to discover:

1: Bad guy is Suzie - Torchwood Number 2 - using alium glove.
2: Bad guy is sex alieng - accidentally released by Torchwood newbie, then captured and re-released to go on sex / killing spree.
3: Not much death here, but still the story only exists because of unauthorized use of alien tech - oh and wideboy Torchie decides to be JUDGE / JURY / AND EXECUTIONER because he is above the UN or something.
4: This weeks menace is deadly cyborg girlfriend of Ianto wot he has hidden in the basement. Death toll one cybernetics expert, the pterodactyl and any credibility that Ianto can continue in the series in any serious way.

Rather than the first line of defence, they seem to be causing all the trouble. PC Fringeface should really sort them out.

1. FT's pˆnk s lord sükråt cunctør on November 10th, 2006

   i have 0xdoubt she will! TORCHWOOD! the fact i have missed so many eps is PROOF OF MY LOVE

   (also: tinyhoodwatch is not dead merely sleepin)

   ps you ain’t seen me as i set off to shrops 10 mins ago ulp

2. FT's Steve Mannion on November 10th, 2006

   i finally saw King Kong last night so the whole dinosaurs vs giant ape thing is exciting me enough today never mind that King Kong turned out to not be mechanical in any way. WHY DOES P JACKSON HATE ROBOTS?

3. J Burroughs on November 12th, 2006

   Sky Captain Vs. King Kong in the style of Freddie Vs. Jason FTehWZ0RZ!

4. FT's alext on November 13th, 2006

   PC Fringe Face looking hotter than ever yesterday!!

5. Pete on November 13th, 2006

   As predicted, Ianto’s discressions (trying to kill entire team, promising to kill Captain Jack) are almost completely forgotten. But at least this weeks, somewhat nebulous, threat to world security was not completely Torchwood’s fault.

   But more on this after the BBC2 repeat.

6. FT's Alan on November 13th, 2006

   Fairies ep written by Sapphire & Steel writer PJ Hammond

7. Pete on November 13th, 2006

   Fairies ep written as a Sapphire & Steel episode (Jack as Steel, PC Fringeface as Sapphire. No diaphonous costume for her though).

8. FT's Alan on November 13th, 2006

   all his stuff has the same (grebt) feeling to it, from ace of wands, eps of the Bill, midsomer murders, and now Touchwood. unnatural child protected by unseen elemental spirits who then… but that would be a spoiler. but the final little reveal is “classic” PJH.

9. FT's alext on November 13th, 2006

   I thought this was the best episode yet, although my attention was distracted for most of it, and I was near-comatose with exhaustion.

10. FT's Alan on November 13th, 2006

    wow. so PC Fringe Face must be looking really hott for you?

11. Pete on November 13th, 2006

    (Clearly cos the rest of the episode was the bobbins!)

12. FT's alext on November 13th, 2006

    Yes I am basing my judgement entirely on PC Fringe face. Who do you think would win in a fight between her and Maid Pieface?

13. FT's CarsmileSteve on November 13th, 2006

    fringe face every time i reckons.

14. FT's pˆnk s lord sükråt cunctør on November 13th, 2006

    in my heart they are always equal

15. FT's alext on November 14th, 2006

    in my dreams they are always in charge.