Oct 06

How clean is your band?

Do You See + FT/66 comments • 3,436 views

The discerning televisual fan will be aware of the vacuum currently residing in the schedules between the 7.30pm end of Hollyoaks First Look and the 9pm commencement of Ghost Whisperer. There are only so many times one can flick between Puff Daddy jiggling next to the Lead Pussycat on TMF and the startlingly abhorrent animated pig on Hits!TV.

But there’s no need to wear out the remote! For a gleaming nugget of programming genius lies buried beneath the disappointing Dog Borstal on BBC Three. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Grime Scene Investigation.

This superior alternative to Kim and Aggie sees our intrepid (and charming) host Rufus Hound (!) pull up his enormous GSI lorry outside the filthy hovel belonging to Bristol metallers Hooligan Swamp. The ‘Swamp are everything a metal band should be – piercings, pet tarantulas, questionable personal hygiene. Their flat does not disappoint. Chief scientist Anthony and his menagerie of cleaning ladies (the “Ant-oinettes”) barge upstairs armed with swabs, petri dishes and a high-tech microscope. “This has come all the way from Japan, and it’s the first time it’s ever been used in a TRUCK!” bellows Rufus.

After swabbing the tarantula with appropriately menacing incidental music, Rufus appears determined to find “the GRIMINAL” – the filthiest member of the band. The drummer has an “unprecedented” 20,000 different types of bacteria on his drumsticks, but guitarist Jim wins the overall honour of Death Metaller. “Filthy room, filthy feet, wipes his arse on BREAD! This is one Jim it’s not healthy to visit!” warns Rufus. “I don’t like to use the word ‘mental’, but this is MENTAL!” The band is more concerned about the fact that faecal matter has been found on the PS2 controller. “It’s the work of the midnight poo bandit!” claims bassist Chud.

We leave Hooligan Swamp in a celebratory mood, a mixture of pride and self-disgust. Rufus is more incredulous. “What possessed them?” he asks, before his eyes glow a synthetically demonic red. “Or WHO? Mwahahahaha.”


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  1. 51
    Alan on 7 Nov 2006 #

    Give the man a login!

  2. 52
    Alex de Mora on 7 Nov 2006 #

    I request that in series 2 we turn the tables on the “Guv’nor” and check out your shag pad Rufus! What kind of little lovelies would we expect to find there?!

  3. 53
    Kat on 7 Nov 2006 #

    Investigate Kim & Aggie!

  4. 54
    Dr Fact on 8 Nov 2006 #

    I think we should do an episode on porn stars. That or shopping trolley handles; whichever is easiest.

  5. 55
    Dr Fact on 10 Nov 2006 #

    Maybe I spoke too soon?

  6. 56
    Dr Fact on 15 Nov 2006 #

    Where the hell has everyone gone?

  7. 57
    CarsmileSteve on 16 Nov 2006 #

    aw, poor Dr Fact, all alone.

  8. 58
    Kat on 16 Nov 2006 #

    The fickle world of blogging has moved on. *sniff*

  9. 59
    Rufus Hound on 17 Nov 2006 #

    It’s true. Everyone’s stopped posting. We’ve all moved on. Or just feel a bit heartbroken.

    Series Two has just been de-commissioned.

    Yup. The filming we WERE going to be doing is now just a willow-the-wisp. A televisual futureshock masquerading as a collective memory.


    So instead of making more quality broadcasts, Dr Fact and The antoinette’s are back in Aston, doing their real jobs. Papa J is back teaching and supporting less able electronmicroscopists, and I, well, I’m drinking fairly heavily.

    Since I last posted, I’ve lost this job, sacked one of my agents and broken up with my girlfriend of the last four years.

    So, if you have a killing spree planned and need someone to carry the guns, myspace me. I’ll even chip in on the cost of the ammo.

  10. 60
    Alan on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Any more Best Man’s Speech?

  11. 61
    Pete Baran on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Sad to hear that Rufus. I bet the BBC will be sorry when one of the people scheduled to be in the next series dies of e-coli caught from their own foot.

    And remember the answer you are looking for is not in the bottom of a pint, it is it the top of the next drink.

  12. 62
    Kat on 17 Nov 2006 #

    Noes! Poor Rufus. We shall miss you and your innuendously huge microscope…

  13. 63
    Rufus Hound on 5 Dec 2006 #

    So, the last one goes out tonight, and that’s your lot. If you did enjoy the show, then brilliant. You were in esteemed (if minimal) company.

    Oh, and if you contributed to the board here, then cheers too. It’s been a blast.

    I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas (unless you don’t want one) and I’ll see you out there.

    Hound x

  14. 64
    Loveface on 23 Feb 2007 #

    Mister Hound,
    I would like to tell you here and now that i had the very best of Christmases and it was all becuase of you so i accept the challenge of many more.
    LF x

  15. 65
    Alan on 17 Nov 2008 #

    Someone should post something about Argumental to lure back mr hound

  16. 66
    Pete Baran on 18 Nov 2008 #

    The FT line on Argumental is clear, and can probably make a half decent article (JS RF good: MB Bad). I’ll put it in the queue.

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