8
Oct 04

I’LL BE BLOWN (UP) – Ten Reasons Why Terminator 3 Is So Much Better Than Terminator 2

FT19 comments • 5,001 views

I’ll be the first person to say that the world was not clamouring for Terminator 3. My reason oddly appears to be different to most, since I always thought that Terminator 2: Judgement Day was a bit – well – shit. Superfluous to the streamlined simplicity of the original it seemed to exist merely to promote the careers of Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron. So imagine my joy when the uncalled for T3 turned up sporting a new cast, new director and a new found sense of purpose. The claims of Cameron being a auteur can be banished to the bin – and he can go on tinkering with his I-MAX bobbins that no-one has to go and see. Instead I’ll stick with Jonathon Mostow’s vision, especially if it includes Arnold’s head being smashed through a toilet.

T-101: Terminator 2 is subtitled Judgement Day. And yet one thing that defiantly does not happen in T2 is Judgement Day. They prevent it from happening. So much so that the expensive special effect of a nuclear holocaust gets relegated to the somewhat superfluous state of dream sequence – where its verisimilitude is wasted. It is a dream – it could happily have elephants playing trombones in it. The subtitle is a bit of a swizz. The Advertising Standards Authority, rather than being dazzled by that nice shiny morphing technology, should have clamped down on James Cameron hard. Whereas Terminator 3 has the post-colonic of Rise Of The Machines, which anyone who has seen it will tell you is exactly what happens. I got what I paid for.

T-102: Terminator 2 is a pallid rerun of the original which exists almost purely for the vanity of James Cameron. Consider that it starred his wife, showcased a special effect that he had devised in the “yawning” Abyss and added little beyond a decent Guns’n’Roses song to the Terminator story. Terminator 3 exists merely to make money (and perhaps revive Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career). Which I think we’ll all agree is a much better reason than buffing up the ego of the self styled “King Of The World”.

T-103: In Terminator 2, Arnold is the lead character. Not only is his murderous killing machine reprised as a heroic version, but he gets to do surrogate parenthood to Eddie Furlong’s unlikely floppy haired saviour of the future. Terminator 3 may on paper have Arnold’s name above the credits, but he is at best playing the Jar Jar Binks of the piece. And we never got to see Jar Jar Binks have his face smashed through a porcelain toilet.

T-104: Terminator 3 makes sense. Without delving too deeply into the massively tedious arguments that arise whenever time travel is invoked as a movie plot, the resolution of T3 allows the other two films to happen. Which is rather magnanimous of director Jonathon Mostow considering that James Cameron had written him off as a journeyman hack. It is almost as if rather than looking at the first two films as source material, Mostow and his scriptwriters instead rented out the only time travel films which ever made sense (the Bill and Ted ones) and used it as a crib sheet. Terminator 2 on the other hand, in its attempt to provide a victory which was just bolt on plot, flatly contradicted itself.

T-105: Nick Stahl, playing John Connor in Terminator 3 actually looks a bit like Michael Biehn – whose son he is supposed to be. This of course will not stand him in awfully good stead when he goes for other acting jobs, Biehn never quite making it on the matinee idol stakes. Indeed the only person who ever employed Biehn was James Cameron – who probably won’t want to employ Stahl due to him being in the better Terminator film. That said, Stahl’s resemblance has to be judged against Edward Furlong who looked neither like Biehn or Linda Hamilton – and more like the dog Sprocket out of Fraggle Rock.

T-106 : Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger’s comedies. They were predicated on one of two factors.
a) Arnold looks funny near Danny DeVito
b) Arnold – right – The Terminator – right – is nice to kids/ has kids himself / is funnier than Emma Thompson with a stick up her arse.
Since even Danny DeVito’s career has not dipped so low that he would do another comedy with Arnie, this leaves point b) – which only really actually works if he is playing the Terminator. James Cameron was far to worried about the iconography and hardness of the character to really play it for laughs. But from the moment Arnold walks into a ladies night to pick up his fetishware, he is a figure of fun to be constantly laughed at.

T-107: In The Terminator, Linda Hamilton, our female lead screams a lot. She runs around and squeals and only in the very final reel, when she realises that this unstoppable killing machine is actually just run on below par Harryhausen stop motion, does she take action. Score one for feminism there. Cameron, in then buffing Hamilton up and making her carry guns just pretty much turned her into Lady Stallone. Sure she was a strong action heroine, by completely neutering anything that was previously feminine in the character (as feminine in this world – weak right?). As an alternative in T3 we get the superior model clothed as female Terminator (admittedly this may lead to Terminator 4 being subtitled I’ll Be Black in a desperate spin for originality). More importantly we get Clare Danes as neither uber-competent or helpless. Her character is – note Mr Cameron – not wholly defined by her role.

T-108: Nowhere in Terminator 3, with its lower production values and direct view of action do we ever get a moment as bad as the Thumbs Up. You remember the Thumbs Up. Look, there goes the Terminator, John Connor’s surrogate dad of two days self sacrificing himself to save the world (hooray – this turns out to be a pointless gesture). Down into the molten metal, burning him and destroying him. But wait what is that. His hand. Doing a thumbs up. The whole point of a robot is it has no feelings. Otherwise why would the rise of the machines be a bad thing? T3 is quite happy just to crush the robots with really heavy duty blast doors. No thumbs up.

T-109: What was really cool about The Terminator. Those opening really expensive bits in the future. You know when the machines have risen and seem intent on ruling the earth by dint of mincing over an apocalyptic landscape. It was almost a pity to go back in time for an almost run of the mill chase movie. So it seems almost a pity to use this plot three times. At least Terminator 3 puts paid to that. If Terminator 4 ever happens then we can rest assured that none of that now tedious naked time travelling in a golf ball will never happen.

T-110: Arnold gets his face smashed through a toilet. What more reason do you want.

Comments

  1. 1
    Chris on 28 Jan 2007 #

    your a dickhead mayte!

  2. 2
    Rampage on 15 May 2007 #

    The thumbs up was awesome. You suck and have a shitty sense of taste.

  3. 3
    Luke on 3 Mar 2008 #

    That robot was a hero. How dare you insult its thumbs up?

  4. 4
    Lone Wolf on 30 Mar 2008 #

    Either you’re not a Terminator fan, or you’ve been smoking something. Either way, no one with an ounce of sense would be able to say T3 is better then T2. T3 is cartoon parody of T2, and it’s special effects are equally cartoonish. I watch T2 and T3 and I truly to believe the T-1000 special effect are way more impressive then anything in T3, despite their being a 15 year gap between the two. That’s just one example of how BAD T3 is.

    Oh, and BTW, Furlong is the definitive John Connor, not that pussy Nick Stahl.

  5. 5

    […] that’s possible. But with nearly two decades passed since the best one was released (alright, arguably), artificial intelligence has come a long way. Rather than starting out with preprogrammed […]

  6. 6
    Karl Rogers on 10 Nov 2008 #

    Brilliant troll.

  7. 7
    Jim on 22 Feb 2009 #

    Terminator 3 sucks dick. Nick Stahl sucks dick. Jonathan Mostow sucks dick. Claire Danes eats pussy and wouldn’t know how to suck dick if it was thrown in her face.

    Terminator 3 is a movie for faggots to enjoy. Fucking pathetic.

  8. 8
    Inglorious Suckface on 17 Sep 2009 #

    Jim, your comment made my day!

  9. 9
    dude, seriously? on 22 Jul 2011 #

    Is’t the thumbs up at the end of T2 symbolic of the fact that the terminator has learned about the essence of humanity. It’s seen throughout the movie; ‘Chill out, dickwad’, ‘I now know why you cry’, the iconic ‘hasta la vista, baby’, when John is teaching him to high five, etc, and the thumbs up is the final show of humanity from him as he sacrifices his life for the human race. The whole point of the second movie is to question the human condition, and explore what it means to be human – are we any better than the killers in this movie? the terminator says ‘It’s in your nature to destroy yourselves’, how does that make us better than a machine? this is the essence of the film.
    I know you’re probably just trolling and trying to get a rise, but if this is really what you think, then you’re kind of missing the point of the whole movie. The second movie has deep themes and motifs that are discussed and presented to the audience in an effective way, while the third movie is lacking in substance, and doesn’t really add much to the story except some big explosions and plot twist that completely negates everything the first two movies were about. If your trolling, good one, you got me, but if not, you seriously need to think about movies in a less superficial way.

  10. 10
    Luke on 9 Nov 2011 #

    Guys, this is clearly the most hilarious pseudo rant in existence, the fact that I have to point that out means the human race really is doomed.

  11. 11
    Steve on 26 Jan 2012 #

    If you’re going to troll, you could have at least used some decent humor in it. All you did was use ignorant bad logic and compared THE FIRST MOVIE to the THIRD. Isn’t this about how “T2 sucks compared to T3”? And T-101, T-102, T-103 etc? What a try hard lol

  12. 12
    YoeLuis on 17 Feb 2013 #

    Ten reasons why you suck

  13. 13
    T-800 FTW on 24 Sep 2013 #

    shut up t2 is the best movie of all time and t3 is the the worst movie of all time.

  14. 14
    Mark M on 24 Sep 2013 #

    Are Terminator 2 fans thicker than Floyd fans? There seem to be less of them, but they are both easily wound up, aggressive and deficient in logic. It’s an increasingly close call. And a fight I’d pay decent money to see, as long as there was actual – not horrible T2 CGI – blood.

    [My curly brackets key doesn’t work anymore. This could have a strange effect on my writing].

  15. 15
    DAVOR on 14 Jan 2014 #

    I respect your reasons but NO…! T2 is James Cameron’s and it ended with James Cameron. That’s why T3 Director Jonathan Mostow went absent from making movies for 6 years….because he knew he FUCKED UP….

  16. 16
    shane on 1 Feb 2015 #

    I love u dude you are fantastic this movie has enjoyed superstar status for too long i loved t1 and t3 and t4 but this had a slow boring script with arnie reduced to a stand up comic needing a vacation are u kidding me part 1 slaughtered it and part 3 slaughtered it after 24 years its un watchable apart from sporadic action and some good effects take this movie of its pedestal and that bad to the bone effort after the biker bar …sequel much ……… go t1 go t3 go t4

  17. 17
    Laugh on 21 Feb 2015 #

    Funny blog. Pity you don’t actually believe a word of it. :-)

  18. 18
    Mark M on 21 Feb 2015 #

    Let’s consult dead genius David Foster Wallace about T2, shall we?
    ‘T2 as a dramatic narrative is slick and cliché and calculating and in sum an appalling betrayal of 1984’s The Terminator. … T2 is thus the first and best instance of a paradoxical law that appears to hold true for the entire F/X Porn genre. It is called the Inverse Cost and Quality Law: it states very simply, the larger a movie’s budget is, the shittier that movie is going to be.’

    (It’s from a fine piece in the collection Both Flesh And Not).

  19. 19
    shane on 23 Feb 2015 #

    I have a “VACATION” to plan i might invite some annoying little kid whos the future leader to help me he could bring his pet terminator along for emotional support and can teach me the” chill out dickwad ” lingo ive been lacking.
    And look he knows now why i cry but thankfully its something he will never do, actually i hate this vacation wheres my t3 dvd……oh thats better ha ha ha ha ha ha

Add your comment

(Register to guarantee your comments don't get marked as spam.)


Required

Required (Your email address will not be published)

Top of page