Nos. 10-6
10. BENNY BENASSI presents THE BIZ – “Satisfaction” Score: 5.95 / Controversy: 2.56
Kraftwerk and Prince make dance music for cyborg perverts, rocks so hard sparks fly from shiny metal bodies. That is before the female pleasurebot goes all BDSM, and I melt. 9 (AE)
Would sound incredible in a big car, driving at 98mph down the M3, with the top down. Filthy, clever and fun. Proper pop never sounds like anything else. 8 (PB)
If this song encourages a generation of kids to take up chain smoking to get free voiceboxes on the NHS I blame dancing music. Pneumatically grebt. 8 (SC)
I thought the young people were supposed to hate music that sound this old. 5 (TH)
‘I’ve never heard the whole thing’ says Isabel but oh yes you have if you’ve heard the first 30 seconds. I always think this would sound great in a club but when I actually heard it in a club the bass was too loud. What a Dad I am. Some great hoover noises though so a respectable 5 . (TE)
“Clever”. 4 (JB)
09. 50 CENT – “In Da Club” Score: 6.10 / Controversy: 2.10
50 Cent sounds like a rotten old lush who you can imagine stumbling up to you whilst yr waiting at a bus stop, waving a bottle of Kwik Save No Frills rum in your face whilst some Romford lads drive by at top speed. Bacardi? Don’t make me larf. 7 (SC)
Doesn’t sound like an indie club, but at this entry price how could you go wrong? 6 (MA)
It’s kinda twee really, isn’t it? A birthday song for a short dude. Of course I wouldn’t say this to 50 Cent’s face. He came across as a nice bloke in a Pop World interview, fielding questions about getting shot with a winning smile. 6 (JL)
It’s a Rocky theme for the 00s except the other boxer has a gun and shoots Rocky in the mouth. 6 (TE)
Yeah it’s another bitches and bling anthem concerning the intricacy of strip clips, but I shook my ass a bit, and he seems to really like hugs, and I can get behind a sensitive gangster. 5 (AE)
Apparently he has such a distinctive voice because he got shot in the throat. Obviously he was shot with blanks. Bacardi?? That’s ladies’ rum! 5 (PB)
Fiddysen goes to da club and drains the experience of any enjoyment whatsoever cause he’s such a mean-spirited dick. Fiddysen wouldn’t want to join any club that’d have YOU as a member. 1 (AL)
08. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – “Rock Your Body” Score: 6.12 / Controversy: 2.72
I hated it at first. I listened to the radio in the car and I thought people were beeping at me. 9 (IS)
How to turn being the rubbish boyfriend of Britney to a world-stringing colossus. And he shagged her! Remember – everyone’s favourite Michael Jackson album was Off The Wall. Can I have you nekkid by the end of this focus group? 8 (PB)
He is my first pop star crush for a year, and the falsetto moves me like no one else’s ever did. As well, I do appreciate that he really seems to care about the girl’s pleasure, and for the first time in rock and roll I think that dance may actually mean dance. which makes the naked line obligatory and muted. 8 (AE)
Loses 3 points for not ending with the line ‘the end of this song’. 7 (TH)
Sounds better after a few cans, by which time my body is not so much rocking as sloshing. The Neptunes haven’t quite lost their pop touch. 7 (TE)
Waits too late to bring in the gimmick. 5 (SC)
No daughter of mine is listening to this filth. For all I know. 4 (MA)
Oh dear, a real downer from the ubiquitous Mr Timberlake, a minimalist, human beat box album track. Why was this released as a single? The video reflects it’s cheerless cheapness. 1 (JL)
07. DIZZEE RASCAL – “I Luv You” Score: 6.32 / Controversy: 3.09
Give her a record deal too! 10 (IS)
Provides the disgusting thrill of a situation getting uglier and uglier: the horror movie atmospherics, the metal punches and stabs, the flatulent bass, then the near-hysteric sexist pig declaiming about fuck-all. It couldn’t be more squeam-inducing if it was made entirely of face-slaps and girl-screams. Makes DJ Assault sound like an ironist, which he probably was anyway. 9.2 (MD)
Like being in the smoking room at Sainsbury’s having an extended tea break and a chat. 9 (AC)
The squelchy bass noises would sound k-good in a video game. Jump Mario jump! Dizzee Rascal? Dizzy Egg more like. 8 (SC)
That boy’s some prick, y’know. Oh well. (Nice bassline though). 7 (TH)
Actually quite hard to listen to. It springs to life when the chick’s on the track, which possibly isn’t the point. 6 (PB)
I like the ‘that boy’s some prick you know’ bit. It reminds me of being on the bus, it’s just the kind of conversation you can hear on any packed suburban London bus, especially when the kids are going home. It’s cool to listen in for a while, but I’m often quite glad to get off the bus. 6 (JL)
I do not understand the hype, is it the anglo masses desperately trying to prove to America they can make hip-hop too? 3 (AE)
06. SEAN PAUL – “Get Busy” Score: 6.60 / Controversy: 2.59
Second or third best Diwali hit of the year, second or third best single of the year also. 10 (JB)
This is how to do repetition. You could do a whole Diwali riddim focus group – now there’s an idea… 9 (TE)
Not as good as Busted, but one of the reasons the Top 10 has ruled this year. And he loves his Mum. And he’s a Geordie. 7 (PB)
Could do with a bassline, but my tolerance for pop dancehall is high. Makes me want to hear Rodney P, who does this rather better. 7 (TH)
The diwali thing has been so totally done to death this year that it’s come perilously close to being a big summer blight BUT this record comes up trumps cause of pure exuberance and unselfconsciousness and boiler-bashing percussive clacky brilliance. Sean Paul is like the sunshiney flipside to Prince Of Darkness 50 Cent and this is In Da Club on a bouncy castle being sprayed with 7UP and Lilt on a balmy summer evening with Sean and his chums being the grinniest coolest bastards on the planet cause they know that funfunfunfunfunfunfun is always going to be preferable to poseur-y moping. 6 (AL)
Dancehall is this summers exotica, which means that the best of the work is bleached so that suburban kids can treat it like mayo instead of ketchup for its french fries. Not bad but not fantastic. 5 (AE)