Why We Hate Indie Kids
Eighteen Reasons
1) They like indie music. Obviously.
2) Their regulation thick-frame black glasses. No more breakable item of nosewear has ever been invented: on slow afternoons I could happily cruise the streets for hours walking up to indie kids, lifting these ridiculous excuses for spectacles from their filthy-pored noses and breaking them at the bridge. How the indie kid would howl! Perhaps they would threaten to “kick my ass”. Needless to say all indie kids have adequate eyesight: any slight impairment of vision is due entirely to their regime of perpetual masturbation.
3) Indie kids are at it like rabbits. Or want to be. Scratch any ‘community’ or ‘scene’ of indie kids and you will find a seething cauldron of sexual frustration and backstabbing. Most indie kids are vile to look upon: I think this because I am enslaved by societal standards of beauty.
4) Societal standards of anything are bad, pretty much. Unless it gets you a shag. Or earns you – or more likely your parents – the vast amount of money needed to get through college on some no-mark computer games degree AND buy a billion useless identical records.
5) On the rare occasions when an indie kid does get it on it at least distracts them from listening to indie music. Or making it. All indie kids are in indie bands.
6) Indie is short for independent, because indie kids are not mainstream. No sir. They are individuals. A quick look at an indie kid website will reassure you of that.
7) All indie kids are unique. They are however looking for other indie kids who are unique in exactly the same way as them – cool, huh?
8) Among the unique things about indie kids are their haircuts. The square mainstream observer might mistake the uniform dyed bobs and crops of indieland as the sinister hairstyles of a clone army hell-bent on taking over teenage america and making it listen to At The Drive-In. But such an observer would be a fool. There are crucial differences in the haircuts. Some are, like, really expensive.
9) Some records are really expensive, too. You must really love the music to spend $200 on eBay on a one-sided seven-inch, right? It shows your dedication to music is for real and unique, like your taste.
10) Indie fashions are individual and unique too, and are marked by the indie kid’s strong sense of irony. For example, a lot of indie kids like wearing overalls and workshirts as worn by real live working class people. As the indie kid finishes a two-hour shift at Border’s they feel solidarity with their working-class brothers and sisters in the bakeries and pizza delivery companies all across the nation.
11) They don’t feel solidarity with the suits working in offices, though. Those people are a plastic fake herd of manufactured, soulless brainwashed lemming robot drone sheep enslaved to mass culture pap. (This is true, obviously. But sorry, indie kids are worse.)
12) Not all mass culture is pap, though. Hey! What about those cool Powerpuff Girls?
13) Infantilism is endemic to the indie kids. When was the last time you heard one of them use the word ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Nope, it’s always ‘boys’ and ‘girls’. Some girls are ‘cute’. Some boys are ‘cute’ too. The more incurable indie kids use the words ‘grrrl’ and – shudder – ‘boi’, for all the world as if they were living in a Disneyworld 1994 Experience ride or fell into a copy of Sassy once and never escaped.
14) When indie kids pair off with a cute grrrl or boi (all indie kids are in theory bisexual, of course. Just don’t ask them to do anything about it.) they tend to treat each other like shit and then write it up on their web pages (“I am SUCH the geek”). This is because they are very sensitive, not as the casual observer might have guessed because they are emotional dwarves with no concept of human interaction outside a fanzine problem page. You become sensitive by listening to Belle And Sebastian a lot.
15) All their records sound the same, due to influence inbreeding. The gene pool of influences on indie rock has been shrinking steadily since 1977, thanks to paranoid scenester tastemaking. The constant slathering praise directed at the likes of the Get Up Kids and Sleater-Kinney is the critical equivalent of a one-eyed chinless inbred mutant winning a beauty contest.
16) Indie kids like experimentation, but not too much experimentation. They like extremity, but not too much extremity. They like songs, but they like them to be a bit shy and fuzzed-up and nervous and not too songish. Best of all they like bands which sound comfortingly like the other ones they already know are cool.
17) Of course they listen to other stuff too, carefully weighing it up for its purity of motive and general indie-ness. Other genres are assessed with a practised eye, and only the records which have the most spiritual kinship to indie are acceptable – no attempt is made to take these musics on their own terms, since indie is in any case superior. Eventually a fashionably anti-PC stance allows the indie kid to reject even bothering with hip-hop or dance records – that would after all be ‘tokenism’.
18) The worst thing about indie kids is how apalling they are at even being indie kids. After idling their college years going to ‘shows’ every other day and then spending two years in retail working on a screenplay or writing a novel about following a band or recording a thousand tinny songs on a hundred cheap cassettes and giving them to people they fancy in the hope that a rare Braid EP track might get them a quick fuck on some other indie kid’s sofa and pretending to like the Spice Girls and pretending to like the Magnetic Fields and pretending to like each other – after all that they suddenly get a job and start listening to Moby and Aimee Mann. What I ask you is the fucking point?
Tom Ewing and Maura Johnston
SPECIAL 2007 EDIT FOR THE COMMENTS BOX MASSIVE:
1. This was written in 2001. So don’t complain that we’re talking about emo not indie. Back in 2001, this stuff was indie, and emo was merely a gleam in a marketer’s eye.
2. I don’t know whether the View and the Fratellis are indie or not, but I do know that you should be ashamed to listen to them.
anthony burgess was clearly a visionary genius
I’m going to sign up for the cult of Snazz first thing Monday morning, babe.
INDIE IS AN OTHER TERM FOR “WE REALLY CANT PLAY OUR INSTRUMENTS OR SING NO ONE LIKES US AND NO OEN WANTS TO SIGN US BECASUE WE SUCK AND WE SHOULD BE PRACTICING BECAUSE ALL GIRLS LAUGH AT US BUT WE CANT KILL OURSELVES BECAUSE THEN WE WOULD BE GOTH
GO THE FUCK HOME AND PRACTICE DOUCHEBAGS
Hi,
I am not an “indie kid”, i actually do think some of the things they do are a bit over-the-top…
However i think you have more of a problem.
There are many people in this world who would hate some of the things you do, only, they do not wish to flame you for it.
I think you have too much time on your hand personally. Try getting a job, doing something creative and stop trying to find faults in other people, because you have more than you think!
I don’t know. But it seems that not many people have realised this is supposed to be humorous.
So don’t take offence.
Personally, I love indie music. I wouldn’t call myself an ‘indie kid’ though I guess other’s might.
But still.
It’s all fun.
indie isn’t really a genre of music
because indie is short for INDEPENDANT
as in not signed to a major record label
so every band is independant at some point
the music industry has just slapped the label “indie” on some big time bands.
it’s almost convincing until you remember the definition of independant.
if a band has a recording contract [with a major conpany] that band is NOT indie
because they are not independant.
stop being rediculous.
no it’s short for indiecent.
i’m not an indie kid, still i think you went a bit over the top with the criticism.
from that point of view then every style of music, way of dressing, (etc) is ridiculous.
furthermore, most of the things you’ve mentioned are not even true and you are also ignoring other stuff from them.
my opinion is that you have a lot of free time. maybe too much and this drives you to this kind of insultating texts which have no point at all. did you think about getting a job or maybe buying a mirror? :)
kisses!
‘insulting texts which have no point at all’ = above comment surely?
GET A JOB MERCEDES YOU HOBO
GET OVER YOURSELF! indie is not a trend but im going 2 go on myspace,listerning 2 a band u wuldnt of herd of,get tickets to a gig,wear a band T and ENJOY IT! love from and indie cindy
Indie and Emo is NOT the same thing!
Go indie!
Stupid..
You’ve really mixed up Indie with parts of emo…
Emos are the ones who are sensitive, wear thick-rimmed black glasses and are bisexual… not indie fags!
Indie Kids [fags] are completely obbsessed with indie music and enjoy bitching and pushing people away from the place that someone else was first… not to mention that all the girls have the same haircuts, haircolour, clothes and have aproxiatly 8 inches of make-up, consisting of a lot of blush, foundation and extreme amounts of liquid eye-liner.
The boys… are all obbsessed with their quitar and football.
Oh, and the girls are complete camera whores and love themselves to death…
I don’t side with indie kids, I don’t like them all that much, but then again I don’t hate them either since I do listen to some indie bands… although I much prefer alternitive or punk…
… But I’ll add to that that I am definatly NOT emo…
I’m indie and i’m really pissed about this little shit article you whipped up here. Your a fucking dumbass to think in generalizations you prick. America created emo, thanks for yet another stunning contribution America! Fuck you. Indie and emo arent the same.
… Really the whole artilce is a joke, I’ll probally be classed as indie by english standerds, But I dont care and really I listen to everything, but mostly Screamo/Techno Metal. I act strange niether me or my friends prepously wear glass’s we dont need, In nearly all subcultures theres backstabbing, Im from a middle class back ground[Ie NOT rich]I dont feel the need to go over the top. But Im cooler then you all [Sarcasm] So dont read this.
Never judge people, you are gay.
I am indie and there is one comment that says that indies are bitchy and i am not bitchy and i dont have glasses let alone thick ones and i am not obbsessed with myself.
Who ever wrote this article is obviously a chav.
And chavs are the sort of people you should worry about
“Never judge people”
“you are gay”
“Who ever wrote this article is obviously a chav.
And chavs are the sort of people you should worry about”
Should we be particularly worried about gay chavs? Without judging them, obviously.
Come on people…
you seem surprised that musical subcultures don’t see eye to eye. Anyone could whip up one of these articles defining the negative points of metalheads, emos, chavs, anyone. Enjoy your own music, let people have their opinions. It’s not like they’re stopping you listening to the music you love is it?
I’d be classed as indie (I suppose), and it pains me that the majority of those who feel that it’s up to them to defend indie..ism are clearly ‘scene’ kids.
This is just one (well, two) guys opinions, and it’s up to amuse those who share that opinion. It wouldn’t be funny if it wasn’t stereotypical…
The mention of “hardcore pun [sic] bands” is the best thing on this hilarious thread. THat’s got to be one of the great “Lost Consonants”.
Love this site. Hate spotty illiterate teenagers on musical and sexual wankathons who think their taste in music is “better than” rather than “different from” everyone else’s. Used to be one myself, in fact. Wash yer hair. Buy “Marquee Moon” and “Relationship of Command”. Drink less Red Bull. Eat vegetables. Oh, and while you’re about it, fuck off out of my face you ghastly little greaseballs, and go and annoy your wish-they-were-suicidal-but-to-busy-being-onanist friends with your feckless dribblings about stuff you know jackshit about.
No – really.
FUCK OFF. We all know you you were buying Westlife singles ’til last year when your first bumfluff appeared.
What gives you the FUCKING right to judge indie kids when you know fuck all about them.
sheesh!!!!!!! not all emo kids are bad!!!!!! and for those who said emos are bisexual, not all emo kids are bisexual!!! and not all emos cut their wrists either. You dont have to slash your wrists and be gay to be emo u know, me and my friends dont slash our wrists and we are not lesbians or gays -_-
All the people shouting at not distinguishing emo’s from indies. Read the fine print, to all the ones incaple of.
he admits that it was called indie before it was emo. so what if hes american, hes right about british emo’s and americans. chavs are a dying breed, they are not as annoying as emo kids/indie kids. BlocParty isnt that good..
as is alot of the drabble being produced across the world, no revolutionaryies. its all playing too safe.
“me and my friends dont slash our wrists and we are not lesbians or gays -_-” – no but you did just make yourself seem really young and naive. and anoying funnily enough. you want respect? take of the facade.
sorry to dissapoint. keep up the good work.
“What gives you the FUCKING right to judge indie kids when you know fuck all about them.”
First up, your punctuation’s shite.
Second up, I’ll tell you what gives me that right, you twerp. 15 years or so of writing, recording and releasing “indie” music, during which time the only major downside was clueless fuckwits like you and your insistence that you are the only people who have any right to “judge” anything, and your constant whining about being “misunderstood”. You DO know that all the bands you love would think you’re an insufferable tit because your tastes are so narrow and your worldview so embarassingly teenage, don’t you?
Go and read something worthwhile. Get your dick out of your hand. Start a band, but only when you’ve got over your “my taste is better than your taste” bullshit.
You’re going to squirm with embarassment when you think about this in 3 or 4 years.
I think the fact that everyone’s getting so worked up about this is amazing. And the fact that the guy actually took the time to write about how much he hates indie kids is equally amazing. Nevertheless, I like indie music, but I hate the whole labeling thing. That’s all I have to say.
Oh geez, I feel like I should jump off a bridge for putting this much effort into this crap.