How To Make The Worst White Russian Ever

As previously posted on Livejournal:

Here’s how to make a Caucasian when you want your customer to look at you with a mix of horror, pity, disbelief and contempt! As practiced by the horrible shifty barman at the London Excel Novotel.

AVOID THIS HOTEL FOR DRINKING. It’s SURROUNDED BY BARS, for a start, and the bar people are USELESS! If you’re with a large crowd who ‘have seats’, convince them that their seats are only making them weak. I failed in this task and my punishment was to drink this concoction.

HOWEVER - I recommend scamming a free breakfast at the Novotel as they have large hem-hem ‘decorative’ yellow peppers which are delicious when hungover, as well as large amounts of smoked salmon which you can pretty much scoff whole as they bring another bucketful instantly. HURRAH FOR CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION AND THE SOULLESS AUTOMATONS WHO PARADE THEIR FILTH IN THE DLR ZONE.

Anyway, here’s the recipe: … read on …

Grebt Crossovers That Never Were 1

DC Versus 2000AD!

The Mighty Tharg takes on the might of… and here we fall at the first hurdle. Probably Krona or Stork or whoever it was. Or one of the other Big Plot Device People… anyway, the important thing is that when the DCU threatens to invade, Tharg has to turn his Thrill Viewer up to full power and project the hyper heroes of 2000AD into the fray! But - choke - who fights who, fervid one?

BATMAN & ROBIN versus JOHNNY ALPHA & WULF

One is a couple who live together in their own special place far away from prying eyes - the kind of place where a large, rough man could commit many acts of deviancy on a smaller, feyer and more boyish companion! And the other is Batman and Robin. The only person who broods as much as Batman is Johnny Alpha, while Wulf could have one of his patented “I’m not gay honest old cucumber” moments with Catwoman.

Some other grebt matchups:
SUPERMAN versus NEMESIS THE WARLOCK - and the loser must go to THE VATS!
GREEN LANTERN versus BILL SAVAGE WITH A YELLOW SHOTGUN!
AQUAMAN versus HARRY ANGEL - the master of the sea versus his equal in the air!
VIBE versus ROGUE TROOPER!
WONDER WOMAN versus LORNA VARN!

But that is surely only the beginning as Tharg calls on his legions of obsessive Squaxx to suggest even the oldest and crappest hyper heroes to join the fight! And DC allows Goeff Johns to raid the archives for the Red Bee, again!

Who would win? WHO?

What are YOU doing tomorrow? BUYING 2000AD THAT’S WHAT

Because it’s got one whole page written by myself. The debate is already raging as to whether it’s any good, but I say it is! And if enough people agree I get to do more of them! So let’s see a sales spike for the return of the ONE PAGE FUTURE SHOCK.

I’m With Rowdy Yates! Who You Fighting For?

The entire blogosphere is alight with war! The frankly tedious WAR between RANN - home of ADAM STRANGE - and THANAGAR - home of HAWKMAN! And frankly it’s all getting more than a little personal, what with Hawkman’s embarrassing continuity problem. Needless to say, the war being played out on the interweb is a billion times more fascinating than the yawnsome dull-fest that is THE RANN-THANAGAR WAR comic itself.

It all begs the question of which side we’re on. Personally, I’d guess Rann, for its goofy sixties stylings, but obviously we should put it to the vote before getting involved in any intergalactic aggression.

LET THE BUYER BEWARE

LET THE BUYER BEWARE

The Beat Girl Store opens.

An interview with myself is up on 2000AD Review

An interview with myself is up on 2000AD Review - every word guaranteed true.

BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT’S WHY

BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT’S WHY

Here’s an interesting site - a large collection of US political cartoonists (and a smattering from other countries) brought together in one place to discuss the same subject. What can we learn from this?

Most political cartoonists are rubbish. For the Republican convention in NYC, King Kong is reprised with an elephant, again, and again, and again, unto death. The same puffy faces, big heads, scritchy-scratchy Oliphantine linework, the same bespoke-suit elephants standing in front of the same cartoon podiums, in front of the same flags. And that’s just the Dems. The Republican cartoonists, only able to offer a pallid reflection of the left’s current blazing anger, produce work that seems filled with nothing, styrofoam stated as fact. Michael Moore is brought out on a stick and waved around, an effigy to throw easy rocks at. The other side uses Arnold Schwartznegger to the same effect - rarely is the Governor quoted beyond the ubiquitous ‘girlie-man’. That’s one up on Moore’s cartoon duplicates, who are never allowed to speak. He’s a bit fat - DO YOU SEE? Clinton has an operation and suddenly it’s an endless stream of weak, pathetic gags about hospital inmates touching nurse’s bums in musty ‘Carry On’ fashion as the spectacular venom of the ’satirical’ cartoon world really makes readers sit up and blow their own brains out through SHEER AMAZEMENT at the FORCE of such POWERFUL STATEMENTS. And beneath every pathetic waste of bandwidth we get a tiny photo of a smug man with bad hair seemingly squealing “Lookit MEEEEE! I drew a powerful picture of Russia as a BIG BEAR! Aren’t I just the BEST COMMENTATOR THAT EVER THERE WAS??”

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE STILL HAVE JOBS?

A PULSE-POUNDING PANOPLY OF PASSION AND PAIN

A PULSE-POUNDING PANOPLY OF PASSION AND PAIN

The old guard at Freaky Trigger may remember a certain book-length epic of passion and pain that appeared here in the glory days of 1998… thought lost for six long years, THE READER has now returned - and comics will never be the same! Oh wait, they are.

GREAT NEWS FOR ALL OUR READERS INSIDE

GREAT NEWS FOR ALL OUR READERS INSIDE
 
In 2000AD Prog 1399 - in thrill-merchants on Wednesday - there is yet another five-page Terror Tale written by yours truly. This one’s about a house that’s a bit mad. It’ll be the last for a while as these things take a fair amount of time to get into the comic, but rest assured I’m on the case and sending more and more work in, like some hideous parasite injecting poison into the bloodstream of its host. It costs ‘1.60 at the moment, which is less than you’ll pay for a pint. Far less in these troubled times.
 
NOW ALL BUY.

OH SAY CAN YOU SEE ME FEEL ME

OH SAY CAN YOU SEE ME FEEL ME
 
Another top-class webcomic for you to click on. The Spiders is a serious alternate-history webcomic for mature readers with a sci-fi slant. It also does everything Scott McCloud postulated and more, so it’s certainly worth a read, seeing as it costs you nothing but time.