Tanya Headon

25
Apr 07

Tanya’s Army Of Awfulness: PRIVATE DANCER

FT + I Hate MusicPost a comment • 1,192 views

private-dancer.jpg“God help us if there is a war”, my father used to say looking at Top Of The Pops on television. I could no hear him of course, as I had my fingers in my ears to protect them from the Saville peddled filth, but I could lip read and did not understand. God would indeed be helping us if there was a war, as these terrible young pop musicians might get drafted, and then killed as they would be rubbish soldiers. OK, we might lose the war, but as I have mentioned previously the single redeeming factor of the Taliban was their hatred of music*.

No many a quiet hour has been whittled away thinking of the Kaiser Chiefs as a group in World War I, stuck in a trench facing impending doom (from the English of course, the Kaiser Chief’s clearly being on Bismarck’s side). But I don’t have to imagine much, as many a pop star has had pretensions of life in the services. Take Tina Turner’s brief spell in khaki after all: Private Dancer.

»
More

20
Apr 07

VIEW-WATCH URGENT APPEAL

FT + I Hate MusicPost a comment • 676 views

Friends of the busker men The View are in a spot of pickly bother, readers! They’ve lost their support band, The Horrors. I expect that the so-called Horrors realised what TRUE HORROR was after listening to the View soundcheck. Anyway, they’ve run away as fast as their skinny goth pins will carry them and the View are now asking for a new support band for tonight.

Of course I’d ordinarily hope that nobody applies, but anyone paying to see The View deserves the double dose of pain this scheme will no doubt deliver.

The View state that they are not looking for any particular type of band – just one who is “good”. Which of course begs the question: how the fuck would The View know?. This, as I may have commented before, are the band who have an inferiority complex when it comes to buskers, so it’s no surprise that, after receiving 3 demo tapes within 5 minutes of starting their appeal, they have found themselves with a difficult choice. “The standard so far is really high!” says a gobsmacked Viewite, “We had no idea there were so many good bands around.” Yes, this is because the View are the worst band in the universe and a group of four gibbons with coconut shells would surprise and stun them with their musical quality. It’s like asking a blade of grass to judge a tallest tree content.

19
Apr 07

The Theme Tune To Dad’s Army

FT + I Hate Music8 comments • 3,535 views

dadsarmy_main.gif“Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler” sings Bud Flanagan at the start of Dad’s Army. I think you’ll find that Herr Hitler was not “kidding” anyone, and was deadly serious about his attempted conquest of Europe. Indeed as statements in song about World War II this is almost as crass as “How could you lose, six million Jews?”, by Emerson Lake and Palmer. But then what would you expect from a TV show whose express purpose seemed to be to demonstrate how Britain won the war by being old, incontinent and deliberately unfunny. A bit like that Genesis comeback tour then.

»
More

12
Apr 07

Not With The Beatles

FT + I Hate Music3 comments • 734 views

Fifth Beatle Quits says BBC.

It won’t surprise you to know that I think most musicians are a bit dim. But even I have to admit that they’re usually cleverer than the people working for them.

“The man responsible for the Beatles’ business affairs has quit after more than 40 years with the band. Neil Aspinall, 64, started out as the group’s road manager and used to drive them to gigs in his van.”

I think it would take most people less than 27 years to notice that the band they roadie for has split up.

11
Apr 07

People Are Strange, Doors Fans Are Stranger aka What’s Up, Cock?

FT + I Hate Music5 comments • 1,597 views

Want proof? Here are a bunch of Doors fans seeking a pardon for Jim Morrison. Now if you ask me, there is absolutely no forgiveness availible for the heinous crimes committed by the so called Lizard King. Not only was their stoner rock lazy, lacksidasical and unintelligable, they spawned two generations of even lazier, lacksadaisic mumble bonces since. But apparently, these low IQ-ed Doors fans don’t want a pardon for his crimes against humanity. Instead they want a pardon for a very specific crime. One of exposing himself in-front of an audience in Florida.

»
More

31
Mar 07

IHM LYRIC WATCH: Elvis Costello April Fools Special

FT + I Hate Music2 comments • 1,002 views

Elvis Costello – clever name, clever guy, right? Or wrong? Let’s look at his 1992 track, aptly named “How To Be Dumb”:

Don’t you know how to be dumb?
Are you ready to take your place
In the modern museum of mistakes?

OK, not a great lyric, but a little work and application and Elvis might have a future as a comments box troll. But what happens next?

»
More

2
Mar 07

IHM Obvious Joke Watch: The Klaxons

FT + I Hate MusicPost a comment • 606 views

Klaxons n. 1. a device that makes an unpleasant repetitve noise, with the effect of clearing an area as quickly as possible.

2. that gadget the police use.

28
Feb 07

IHM Lyrics Watch – The Klaxons

I Hate Music16 comments • 1,630 views

Klaxon is a trademark for an electromechanical horn or alerting device… they alert listeners of the vehicle’s arrival and possible danger… derives from the Greek verb klazo, meaning “to shriek” – Wikipedia

I have discovered a way to improve the image of sixth form poetry. It has cost me dear, so I would like to share it with you. It is to expose the lyrics perpetrated by “nu rave” (“no hope”, more like) band Klaxons. Their migraine and nausea inducing sounds are backed up with the most ill-thought-out pseudo-intellectual lyrics you are ever likely to witness. Unless you are a particular fan of Jimmy Page (more fool you).

Now much as I HATE MUSIC (in capitals for the commenters who seem to still miss this basic point), I have a fondness for the written word (like most ‘web-loggers’) and a disposition for what is grandly termed literary fiction. As these Klaxon boys pretend to. However with all of literature to choose from they seem, predictably, hung up on male ‘cult’ authors (I said ‘cult’) beloved of adolescents. Books such as these are like drugs: fun to experience but tedious to hear being talked about, let alone sung about. Just as each generation fondly imagines they are the first to discover marijuana, every moping goth thinks they are the only person to have read Herman Hesse’s “The Glass Bead Game” under the covers with a torch. The Klaxons might actually be the first to have read it under the covers with a glowstick, alternatively they might have been doing something else with their “glowstick”. In any case it is we, the innocent public, who deal with the horrendous aftermath: the resulting regurgitated purple prose. Usually this is locked away in the sixth form common room along with posters of Che Guevara and Roger Dean album covers. But when this prose starts to gain a wider public profile, swift action must be taken.

»
More

19
Feb 07

IHM Lyrics Watch: The View – “Same Jeans”

FT + I Hate Music3 comments • 1,727 views

“I take my hat right off to the busker man”

There are two ways of viewing this lyric by unambitious bottom-feeders The View.

»
More

14
Feb 07

Better Than Ezra

FT + I Hate Music2 comments • 827 views

Poking my head up from my current secret hideaway from those menko Pink Floyd fans, to test the water. And who better to test this water on than Better Than Ezra fans. Let’s be fair, a pretty small subsection. And group to whom I only have one thing to say.

HOW FUCKING BAD COULD EZRA HAVE BEEN?