April March - “Chick Habit”

April March - “Chick Habit”

Do you want to frug and shake your wild, ratted-up hair all over the living room? Do you like to imagine that you’re a member of the original line-up of the B-52s on tour in a leopard print-decorated Airstream all over mid-60s France? Do you often wish that the Watiresses would re-form and record a a sequel to “I Know What Boys Like” for the new century? Are you a big sucker for sassed-up, bad-assed, it’s my party and these boots will walk all over you girly vocals and wailing brass sections? Yes? Yesss! Go forth and download. Thank me later. And I’ll thank Lee right now.

Actually, Maura, you can view the whole ho-hum video

Actually, Maura, you can view the whole ho-hum video here. Blah bling blah. Why am I supposed to care about this video? How is it controversial at all?

Ok, she liberates her granny, tazes a guy at an ATM, sasses some police officers, shoots them with a water gun, and smashes up some mid-life crisis dickmobiles. Big deal. Too much trying hard to be cheeky, not enough actual cheekiness, to say nothing of the appalling lack of stuff for me to care about. Madonna, Guy: Listen up, sweeties. Artistic collaboration works for some couples, but Minelli and Garland you’re not. So please, for the love of all that’s actually entertaining in this world, stop it. Stop right now.

Back to the video: What was the deal with the so-called backstory? Was Madge’s character supposed to be the Devil, w/all those tattoos and the wreaking of havoc, and the Motel Room 666? Or was she just a woman done wrong, on an anti-heroic mission to kick society’s ass on her way out in a non-blaze of non-glory? Someone? Anyone? Bueller? Explain to me why I should care about this video. And why MTV has banned it? In short, what the fuck?

Feh, I say. Give me my “Don’t Tell Me” video and I’ll be a happy girl. One thing I really want to know is this (and maybe someone who has a copy of Music handy will chime in at this point) - who is the woman whose spoken-word bits grace the beginning & end of the track? I love her voice.

Did you know

Did you know that Mark Knopfler has a dinosaur named after him? Well, he does. And this dinosaur is special, because the teeth in its lower jaw jut out horizontally from their gums. Now that’s what I call a rock & roll dinosaur, baby! Via The Ancient World Weblog.

Undynamic Speculation

Undynamic Speculation
Nicole, it would not surprise me at all if Marx were Justin’s primary collaborator on a solo album. The elder statesman of schlocky swoonpop wrote *NSYNC’s latest single, the insidiously listenable “This I Promise You,” and if Noodlehead (tm April) wants to go the smoothie balladeer route, as sort of a R&B-loving, Britney-consorting, Good Ole Boy nouveau Julio Iglesias, Marx is the songwriter to have backing him up.

JENNIFER LOPEZ - “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”

JENNIFER LOPEZ - “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”
With a chorus that’s a dead sonic ringer for “The Boy is Mine” and verse phrasing that’s a watered-down ripoff of Aaliyah’s far stronger “Try Again”, I damn well hope this song didn’t cost a thing to produce. Rarely is a supposedly new song such a blatant, half-assed retread of two other, better songs. Did she think we wouldn’t notice the leftover effect? She doesn’t even have a dope beat to step to!

And the entire premise — that Jenny doesn’t need to drive her honey’s Benz or spend his cash — is a bit disingenuous, coming from Puffy’s paramour. Maybe her love really don’t cost a thing, but at this point, there’s no way she — neither the real Jennifer Lopez, nor the character she portrays in the equally dreadful video, which I’ll get to in a minute — is going to have a loverman who isn’t at the same level of outrageous, lavish wealth. Face it, girly, your entire public life is all about conspicuous consumption. I don’t buy what you’re selling. As it were.

Just a few words about the video. Sometimes, a really well-done video can redeem even a really schlocky song. And sometimes, you have the video for this song. Lots of shots of Miss Lopez driving a fancy car, wearing lots of jewelry, looking dewy and gorgeous in expensive clothes, striding purposefully towards the beach and removing said clothes, blah blah blah. Then we get to the “breakdown” section, in which she leads a group of male dancers in a boring and unattractively choreographed dance routine. It’s been dropped in the video, presumably, to show off Jennifer’s dance skills, and to give the song a harder edge. It also makes no sense in the context of the video. Jennifer: if you want to see some really sophisticated, visually interesting girl plus a bunch of hunky boys choreography that’s been incoporated seamlessly into the structure of its video & song, take a look at the video for Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me.” Now that’s a breakdown section.

LUDACRIS - ‘What’s Your Fantasy?’

LUDACRIS - ‘What’s Your Fantasy?’
Ludacris is a man with an agenda. He wants to do a great many things, with one goal in mind: discovering and fulfilling your fantasies. He’s like the guy at the end of Green Eggs and Ham: he’d like to do it on a plane, he’ll even do it in the rain. He wants to get busy in your car, he’d like to get down in the local bar. You make it so good, he doesn’t wanna leave, but he’s gotta know, wha-what’s your fantasy? He’s so eager that he’s even willing to prime the pump, as it were, by offering you a host of his own suggestions of locations, implements, and unguents, on the off-chance that one of them might float your boat. Below, an abbreviated list:
On the 50-yard line of the Georgia Dome
At the back of the local club, perhaps including the use of whipped cream & fresh fruit
On a beach with black sand
In a public bathroom or in the back of the classroom
Up on the roof, with another guy’s girlfriend
In the bathtub, surrounded by lit candles
Onstage at his own, sold-out concert
In the library, on top of the books, so long as you’re quiet about it
In the White House
In a sauna or Jacuzzi, or in the back row at the movies
In the garden, all in the dirt
In the sun or in the shade, or on the top of his SLA
At a WWF event, on a boat or in the ocean itself
In the candy store, with melty chocolate
With BDSM equipment
Playing Dracula ‘ he’ll get his fangs!

All of this, and more, is suggested over skittery, bleepy Dirty South beats, which aren’t that exciting. They’re fine for emphatic head-bobbing while you’re driving around or tidying your desk, but what’s exciting about this track is how much Ludacris relishes everything that he’s doing and suggesting. He’s certainly eager, but he’s not leering at you, and he’s not desperate. He’s thrilled to have an opportunity to live out his fantasies, but he’s an equal-opportunity loverman; he wants you to have fun, too. He’s a post-feminist rapper. Huh. How about that?

How To Make A Schmindie Video

How To Make A Schmindie Video: Are you an aspiring videaste auteur, dedicated to bringing the message of useless existential self-loathing to the overprivileged suburban masses? Jyoti Mishra, creative guy and FT music focus group participant, gives you step-by-step instructions for How To Do It.

Condolences

Condolences to the Kempa family: chriskempa.com. This would be why our beloved kempa.com is down.

Tim, after looking at the

Tim, after looking at the Bedtime Stories liner notes, I have to pull a Philadelphia lawyer move and say that if the immediately post-Sex Madonna shafted Shep for anyone, it was for Nellee Hooper. Babyface produced just one track on that album - Madonna’s Evita audition number - er, I mean, “Take a Bow”, while Nellee’s work on “Survival”, “Inside of Me”, “Forbidden Love”, “Sanctuary” and the title track largely shaped the overall sound of the album. Now I’m going to go bed holding my head high with pride that my first NYLPM post was about Madonna. Oy.