Pork Maths = Sausage Shocker

As we all know the square root of sausage is square sauasge! But what I didn’t know until today that an alias of square sausage was “Lorne sausage”! It certainly doesn’t say that on the packaging of my square sausage - which is charmingly shaped just like a sliced loaf of sausage and produced by Belchers. Genuine Scottish Square Sausage, it advertises on the side. At least 21% pork! Oh, happy memories of my childhood, eating square sausage in my friend L’s kitchen with chips and beans.

WELL CLEARLY MY CHILDHOOD LIES because I had the square sossidge with scrambled eggs and peas the other night and it was unpleasant! Don’t say I have become a meat snob!!

Clearly I am the one to fault anyway because I didn’t have it with chips and beans and fried bread and black pudding and and and and I’m afraid I have to go away now. But if you want square sausage yourselves - MORRISSONS. And whilst you are in the freezer aisle why not also pick up some Mr Brainses faggots? CRUMBS I’m hungry today… still - 12 slices left to go!

The Top 50 Women Who Really Understand Men

 Irrational. Contradictory. Mad. The top 50 is an irrational list. But what do you expect - it was voted for by men!

We at Freaky Trigger towers were shocked when we saw the Observer Woman Magazine’s Top 50 Men Who Really Understand Women article - it seemed somewhat familiar! Surely, we thought, this couldn’t have been stolen from an up and coming Freaky Trigger article?? We hereby bring the publication of of Freaky Trigger’s Top 50 Women Who Really Understand Men forward for your delectation. In it, you will find women who understand men are drunks, women who understand their function as breast carriers, women who have carved out new ground within the fiercely competitive mens footwear market, and women who know that the true function of men is to be ground under heel like dogs. Your panel consists of a bunch of flabbergasted male drunks, and one exhausted female drunk who took dictation.

THE LIST!
… read on …

Guess My Theory x 237628567

… read on …

Where am I gonna go? Ipswich?

Awesome things about Dark Season!!

Hooray for Dark Season!!

D. UGG-las Adams eat yr heart out

A rare tick in the ‘comics’ category for me as I am reminded to share with Freakytrigger readers a great GURLS COMIC EXPERIENCE of my youth that remains with me to this very day. A very small Sarah on visits to her grandma and grandad would usually disappear from the living room full of grown-ups drinking tea from ‘best’ china mugs into the spare room where there were a stash of 50s-60s girls annuals with names like Tammy, Bunty, Jacksy etc etc.

Anyway the story that sticks with me is of a BRAVE NOBLE etc etc skoolgirl who moves to a new village… in TRANSYLVANIA gasp! Ever so tragically this village is plagued by the MYSTERIOUS DEATHS of local peasants who are all under the treatment of the strange Dr. Ula! Can you guess wot is coming readers?? Eventually all the yokels have turned against Dr. Ula, but before they can storm his surgery-cum-spooky-castle, a lurching servant accounces the good doctor is DEAD! As the village parties, only the brave noble etc skoolgirl feels sorry for poor lonely doctor, who never did go make any friends in the village at all. Clutching some posies, she takes a chum along to visit his grave.

“You’re right, I suppose it is a shame Aleister died”, says the friend.

“Aleister?”, says noble skoolgirl?

“Yes - didn’t you know his first name?”, chuckles the inappropriately amused chumling.

Noble skoolgirl looks down, and sees the grave spell out the name of the ‘deceased’… and what could it be??

… read on …

Nintenpugz!!

So, ever since I simultaneously discovered the existence AND non-availability through play-asia of the cuddly Nintendog PUG (it is a pug Duggan!!), I have wept and gnashed teeth that there hasn’t been a cuddly Nintendog successor. But now HOORAY FOR TOMY as just in time for christmas, here are the Nintendog trainable puppies!

Awesome! Your humble poster can be contacted for apostal address for presents through her myspace profile hem hem. (Although the playasia ones are still cuter chiz)!

ATTN DS LITE MAN FROM LONDON BRIDGE, JUBILEE LINE, 14 NOVEMBER!

Hello man on the tube who asked me if I had a DS! I am the girl you spoke to on the train this morning! Don’t sell your DS Lite! It’s GRATE! I mentioned Phoenix Wright and Nintendogs, they are both KILLER APPS and you should get them! Brain Training be worthy, but it’s not much of a “game”, is it? Keep it, and also get Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, Trauma Centre: Under The Knife, and all other games which have a colon in them (haha in Trauma Centre this is LITERALLY TRUE mwahaha)!

 So! This isn’t the first time someone has started a random conversation with me on the train about the DS! (Although from my strange slightly embarassed reaction you might think it was the first time anyone spoke to me EVER, sigh). … read on …

Sam and Max: back Back BACK!!

Or perhaps, not, Not, NOT!!! We were all very excited in the many chambers that comprimise my BRANE to see a new short (4 hrs gameplay according to the review) Sam and Max game is out - but how come I hadn’t read this previously in Edge magazine? Edge is my usual source for sycophantic w4nking over any Lucasart (complete or not) IP - but perhaps I didn’t buy that issue cos it had a stupid war game grumpy looking soldier on the cover? That’s usually why I don’t bother buying it…

  … read on …

play the albert hall forever - and ever - and ever aka BOSS FITE!

So I got home from Finnish class tired, exhausted and filthy. I wanted a bath, but thought I’d have a quick game of Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time next. Mm yes that lovely blend of turn based fights and amusing characters and fun plot, yes just what I need. What did I get instead? A tedious boss fight that - I kid you not - took me one hour and ten minutes  to conclude! The boss wasn’t even hard, but apparently had ENDLESS energy! And of course - and here’s the worst thing about the game - it never tells you how many hit points the enemy you’re fighting has left - you can be nearly about to kill him or you could go on for ANOTHER FORTY FIVE MINUTES. In the end stretch I was nearly in tears. The urge to smack the damn DS off and throw it out of the window was rising like a BLOODY COUP. But yet, showing my utter insanity I persevered.

And when I finally beat the boss, and cried tears of relief - what happened? A nice big restful cut-scene, some plot development to reward me from wasting so much time of my precious LIFE on this boring, endless boss?? No. I got to descend into a volcano and carry on, achieving NO significant level objectives - just… carry on there Mario.

ARRRRRRRRRUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I take it all back, previous most-annoying-boss (Mazaal from the Minish Cap) - we have a new winner!! BAD Nintendo, BAD!

HOUSE, M.D - “it writes itself”, pt 276362782

So of course by now, EVERYONE has seen HOUSE! Or should I say,  House, M.D! However, I saw it for the first time last Saturday, and in case there are others like me who’ve missed out on the JOY of House, it is my duty to recommend it to diligent FreakyTriggerists. With Hugh Laurie as a maverick doctor who is CROSS! He might not actually be a doctor! He does no doctoring apart from shouting at people! Perhaps that is the real cure! House is like this. Ian House and Ian Holm run an estate agents called Out Of House And Home out of their shared house and hobbit hole HA HA No seriously.

A SCENE FROM ‘HOUSE’

PEONIC PATIENT: Doctor! A dog has gorn off with my leg!
HUGE LAURIE is IAN HOUSE: I don’t care! You’re rubbish! *punches passing consultant*
PASSING CONSULTANT: Ow, that hurt Doctor House. OMG what is that on the patient’s FACE??
HUGE LAURIE: CRUMBS, I mean, GEE WHIZZ (I am American now), it is ANTHRAX!!
PEONIC PATIENT: I think it’s just a bit of jam…
BOSS: House, stop being a Maverick and DO SOME PAPERWORK.

HOUSE flicks Vs at BOSS.

PATIENT: (screams) I’m blind!
HOUSE: OMGZ her eye has fallen out!!!
CONSULTANT: And she’s grown to the size of a tree!
HOUSE: And her face has grown gills!!

Etc etc etc until the patient has EVERYTHING in my GURL’S OWN BOOK OF GORY DISEASES. Brilliant!! In the last one, the obese 10yr old with psychosis and a heart condition had PETER CUSHING’S disease. Joy.

Recommended to all!