Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rose-Coloured Rupee Land

Dear Nintendo,

do you think that giving your games names like this might be fuelling the fire for those idiots who like to bash you, or what? Seriously. Dudes. Freshly picked Tingle’s rose coloured rupee land?? Amazing!

The plot of Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland follows Tingle’s transformation from a rather ordinary middle-aged man into his green-clothed fairy persona. Such a story starts when a voice echoes throughout Tingle’s home summoning him to a spring west of his house. There, Uncle Rupee, an old man with a Rupee for his head, offers Tingle a life in paradise if Tingle feeds Rupees into a tower found under the spring, causing it to grow upwards towards the sky. This tower is a gateway to Rupeeland. Tingle agrees, and Uncle transforms Tingle into a new form where Rupees become his source of life.

Erm - Thatcherkids to thread?? This is set to be out in Europe on 14 September according to Wikipedia. You’ve got to admire Nintendo’s guts in spinning out their most hated characters and making no bones about their nastiness - it worked for Wario, why not for Tingle? Oi vey.

Neu gender politics nao!

Was in the pub at Leicester Square the other day when the future of gendered drinking politics loomed large whilst waiting at the bar. It appears that ICE is the new battleground of the sexes - ladies are being encouraged to order buckets of Pink Wine for the innovative reason that “you can put ice in it”, whilst so-called MEN are being heartily slapped on the back as the barman slyly shoves a couple of cubes into their ciderrrr. Gallo* vs Magners - it’s the new Lambrini vs Carling!

A vision of the future… Dave is at the bar…”Lager? That’s so uncouth! You can’t even put ice in it? Two iced ciderccinos and a block of that pink wine infused ice sculpture, stout yeoman of the bar”….

*it might not actually be Gallo which proves that they aren’t marketing their Pink Wine very well then are they as I can’t actually think of ANY other brands apart from the dread BLOSSOM HILL and it certainly weren’t that one. Oh, Lindemans. That’s one. Ha - I am so totally 4.99 newsagent wine woman…

New Adventures In Folk

Last night I decided to listen to the DIGITAL RADIO my flatmate has recently installed in our kitchen! By install I mean “plugged in”, for all you technophobes. Of course I take advantage of this digital age like no man’s biz, and tuned straight into BBC Radio 2. Gosh! It was GRATE! Has Radio 2 ALWAYS been grate?? I feel like such a fool for sticking to BBC LDN (with the occasional switches to Magic and Gaydar Radio). Yesterday I listened to a show about folk music - the best bit was a song called Mediocrity U.K (right on!!) which featured the lyrics (nb from memory, possibly IMPROVED):

Staring at the magazine rack/ who would have thought/ that silicone/ could save Iraq

RIGHT ON!! Then after this came a song which told the story of a father and son team of petrol station robbers, who nearly got caught, but didn’t… but it was close! (Someone hiding in the gents had rung the FILTH on his mobly phone halfway through the raid, you see)! Folk music… is brilliant! I shall be listening to the Folk Show again! Checking the BBCR2 website, I think I was listening to Mike Harding, who is a big BEARD with an accordian. Wonderful stuff. Folk is THE WAY TO GO! I felt even stronger in my opinion after listening to a session by Feist on the Maconie show afterwards, which just felt like watered down pish. Feist have been “bigged up” a little, but I can’t say I was enthused. Goethe would have rolled in his grave, yes, ha ha, ha ha indeed.

char sui: guess my porky!

Well, I don’t mean me sauce of course, that would be disgusting… anyway!

Tonight I’m going to be carrying out a little experiment. I found some char sui sauce in the local shop (good old shop, it is the nicest thing about New Cross by a country mile), so I’m going to go to Waitrose, buy some pork and have a MARINADE TEST, ie shop char sui vs my own marinade! I’m going to whizz together some soy sauce, hoisin sauce, garlic, ginger, brown sugar, honey and five spice - argh! do I have five spice?? - and see who is the WINNAR. Might also add some food colouring. If I don’t have any red food colouring at home, perhaps it is time to experiment with BLUE char sui HURRAH!

The pork is going to marinade overnight and during the day, I’m not sure whether I should cut it up into thin slices before it marinades or not though… the internet says I should use PORK NECK (nom nom pork neck) but I bet Waitrose has none of this. No doubt the meat markets in Peckham do, but mamma, I’m scared… all the miserable chickens hanging in a row get a bit overwhelming. Reader, I nearly turned vegetarian at one point. I think I will cook it by sticking the oven at the hottest it will go (chiz I bet this is BUG ALL, my oven sux) wrapped up in a load of foil - maybe some extra water for moisture? And then if it is not a disaster, I will eat some with greens, freeze some, stick some in RICE BALLS - it will be marvellous. It will NOT be a disaster.  I will of course, report back.

NOM NOM NOM.

the knitler diaries pt 2

I have recently been informed that a sallow faced group of youths have fallen into what can only be called The Cult of Knitler. Seeking a method to pluck the fevered dream of N4zi knitting techniques from the ethereal to the corporeal, they face the mirror, and recite thrice…

…. Knitler….
…. Knitler…
…. Knitler….

AND HE APPEARS!!!!

Post bought to you courtesy of “End times watch #23894629723929293″.

So what would YOU do if you were a high school teacher, and one of your students presented you with a KNITTED H1TLER?!

alanis’s humps!

Just in case you haven’t already seen, Alanis Morisette is not only still alive, but she’s covered the Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps!! Her little jagg’d pills perhaps?? Aiee!

FOR FCKS SAKE WORDPRESS STOP EATING MY LINKS

it’s the end of the videogaming world as we know it

This is real Nostradamus end times fare: believe it or don’t but it’s confirmed by Nintendo: Sonic and Mario: together at last in Mario and Sonic at the OLYMPIC GAMES!! Oh. My. God. But Mario beating Sonic at speed? NEVER HAPPEN. Unless the cheating bastards pull a Thundercats on us. I am still traumatised from a story arc of Thundercats where they had to decide who was going to be leader of the Thundercats. The leader had to beat all the other Thundercats at their special abilities. So, RUBBISH old Lion-O had to beat Cheetara in a speed trial, right? So they have a long flat route, and a dangerous short cut through an HORRIBLE JUNGLE. Cheetara runs really quickly over the long route, and Lion-O showing BRAVERY and STUFF takes the jungle route, and just about wins. BUT HE WASN’T FASTER!! Cheetara was awesome and she should have been leader. I’m still angry about this.

PS - I was always a Sonic/Sega person back then. But now I’m all about the Nintendo. The appearance of Tails was bad enough, but when KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA came along it was just insulting. Never mind “Shadow” the Hedgehog. Stop making “dark” equivalents of good character brands! It hasn’t worked with Pokémon, it hasn’t worked with Sonic, it will NEVER WORK! Note there has never been a “Dark Mario” (there has been an actual ’shadow’ Mario in Paper Mario 2, but he was AN ACTUAL SHADOW which is different as any fule kno).

SHARK, LLM - “it writes itself” pt 275627865782

Following Freaky Trigger’s favourite show, House, Five has decided to schedule a new US import called SHARK! Which stars James Woods as a maverick lawyer, who is CROSS! A little like House, he shouts at a team of minions a lot! A little like House, he doesn’t do any actual lawyering! Unlike House, who saves people BY SWEATING, he saves people by YELLING! Shark is like this:

FIRST EPISODE OF SHARK, LLM, SCENE ONE

DEFENCE LAWYER SHARK looks up from CUTTING THROATS to see MAYOR.
MAYOR: Shark! You get results! Come and work for me!
SHARK: You’re busting my ass! I eat prosecution lawyers for breakfast! I eat them also for lunch! And for tea! And elevenses! And midnight snacks! And second breakfasts! And third breakfast! And fouth break…

*seven hours later*

NEW PROSECUTION LAWYER SHARK: Lie! Cheat! Steal! Only this way can you be good prosecuting attorneys! You’re crap! Come to my FAKE COURTROOM that I have mocked up in my mansion! My housekeeper will pretend to be a judge!
NervousYoungLaywers [in unison]: This is totally non-freaky, no really, we aren’t reacting at all to this.
SHARK: You’re guilty!
FeistyLawyer: We’re not on trial!
SHARK opens trapdoors, YoungLayers fall through, larffing out loud, rofflez.

They then go into the courtroom and SHARK eats some more things FOR BREAKFAST.

Shark used to be a DEFENCE lawyer, but then he got a man off who then murderised his wife two hours after being declared innocent, HARROWED by this he has decided to bring his TUFF DEFENCE SKILLS to PROSECUTION to bring the guilty BANG TO RIGHTS. He talks in capital letters almost as much as me! This was only the pilot but I hope for many complicated legal twists and turns in the future. Promising!

Guinness Red - Salad of all the Guinness! (hott pictoral evidence comix)

Guinness Red, in it’s unnatural environment, yesterday.

Your reporter’s verdict is v similar to existing feedback, tasteless and quite unexciting. Had to follow it up with several other pints of normal Guinness to shock tastebuds back into sensation. Didn’t notice any Guinness Red beermats/bar towels etc for limited edition merchandise grabbing either! Freaky Trigger’s earlier reporter mentions Guinness Red tasting similar to Caffreys - I didn’t believe this could be so, being quite a fan of Caffreys now you mention it - but it seems Caffreys (or at least the stuff in the O’Neils) has suffered by watering down of not only percentage but also taste and creaminesss. Wah!

Pork Maths = Sausage Shocker

As we all know the square root of sausage is square sauasge! But what I didn’t know until today that an alias of square sausage was “Lorne sausage”! It certainly doesn’t say that on the packaging of my square sausage - which is charmingly shaped just like a sliced loaf of sausage and produced by Belchers. Genuine Scottish Square Sausage, it advertises on the side. At least 21% pork! Oh, happy memories of my childhood, eating square sausage in my friend L’s kitchen with chips and beans.

WELL CLEARLY MY CHILDHOOD LIES because I had the square sossidge with scrambled eggs and peas the other night and it was unpleasant! Don’t say I have become a meat snob!!

Clearly I am the one to fault anyway because I didn’t have it with chips and beans and fried bread and black pudding and and and and I’m afraid I have to go away now. But if you want square sausage yourselves - MORRISSONS. And whilst you are in the freezer aisle why not also pick up some Mr Brainses faggots? CRUMBS I’m hungry today… still - 12 slices left to go!