“Olympic Pollution Watch” Watch

As an avowed Olympic hater, the talk of the polluted smog over Beijing is amusing me. Not because I think pollution is in any way funny, but clearly because the sulphurous cloud strikes me as a whole new way of talking about the “Yellow Peril”. And I am not sure what the fuss is. As far as I remember my A-Level chemistry, all the competitors will be breathing broadly the same air, so it won’t really disadvantage any of them above the rest (unless they are used to sucking in polluted gases as they train). Even better, the pollution obscures the view of the events themselves and even potentially adds a very realistic hazard to the poshboy yachting events.

No the most interesting thing about the pollution is the rabid way that the news outlets are reporting it. Here’s is the BBC’s not very scientific pollution-o-meter - a daily photo and a measurement with the astounding error margin of 20%. … read on …

Does The Pope Shit In The Woods?

The Pope’s Toilet (El Bãno Del Papa) is set up to be a droll satirical comedy about the supposed effect the Pope’s visit to a small Uruguayan town had. Based on true events, there is some humour in the small town folks dreaming of this one day windfall of pilgrims visiting their town – strategically placed near the Brazilian border (the Pope did not visit Brazil on that visit). And yet there really aren’t any jokes except at the expense of the simple folk of the town. And whilst there may be a degree of venal cunning displayed in the townsfolk’s opportunism, this has to be balanced against their abject poverty. Bearing in mind that our lead regularly cycles 60 km a day via the countryside to smuggle goods from Brazil, you can’t begrudge them a day of dreams. I don’t think the film does. But then where is the humour in someone risking their entire standing and livelihood to smuggle a toilet over the border to try and make a little bit of money out of hordes of tourists? … read on …

My Old Robots A Dustman, He Wears A Robotic Dustmans Hat

Wall-E is kind of the kids sequel version of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy. In Idiocracy the world its being swamped by rubbish, and everyone is become slack jawed servants of a dumbed down society. In Wall-E the humans have left a waste strewn Earth and are drifting around in space morbidly obese in their hover chairs (at least until the idiosyncratic Hello Dolly loving robot comes and reminds them of their own humanity). Similar plots, though only one has a monster truck battle. And it isn’t the kids film!

Much has been written about the politics of Wall-E (from its anti-obesity scare tactics to its not exactly hidden green agenda). … read on …

Bob Slayed On The Motorway

Coo, first Olympics post proper and its looking forward to the 2010 Winter Olympics, in Vancouver. Yes as much as I wish the Beijing Olympics were already over, there is escape in wondering about logos of the future. Because if the Olympics are about anything, its staggeringly inappropriate logos. What with Beijing 2008’s shot man, and London 2012 “Lisa Simpson fellatio” what can the Canadians do to surprise us.
… read on …

The TranseX-Files

Most of the reviews of The X-Files: I Want To Believe have decided that it is on a par with a low quality standalone episode of the series, stretched needlessly to feature length. What intrigues me about this is that film reviewers tend not to be all that TV literate, and so I wonder if they really spent that much time exhaustively watching The X-Files. This film turns out to be something a little odder than this glib assessment; it is a mixture of paranormal investigation and Before Sunset.

What we get is Mulder and Scully acting like an old married couple, bickering when an old flame re-enters their lives. They have moved on, her to successful doctoring, him to wild man in the woods giving Grizzly Adams a run for his money in the shaggy beard stakes. The old flame returns, in this case the FBI needing their help on a paranormal case, and their cosy status quo is threatened. It becomes a weird relationship drama, showing us a how these characters have grown (or not) in the intervening ten years, throwing up new conflicts, weird work related jealousies and old reminiscences. … read on …

Announcing The Comprehensive FT Olympic Coverage (Snidely)

I hate the Olympics. Once every four years the world seems to stop –for some sort of celebration of fair play, school bullies and bizarre stage management. This seems all kinds of wrong to me, particularly in the middle of a balmy summer that grotesque mutants and posh people fill up our television schedules just for being quite good at something which is useless. Bookend the whole affair with staggering jingoism and an opening ceremony which is the last vestige of hyper-interpretive dance and I really do start to wonder the gawmping masses watching are actually pod people. So someone can throw a stick quite far. SO WHAT!

Sadly it appears that on Freaky Trigger, I am alone in this view. And so it falls to me, sipping my special edition Olympic Hatorade, to announce the comprehensive Olympic coverage on Freaky Trigger. … read on …

Blurzillas, the Olympics and Jet Li’s Piss

So the BBC have launched their slightly abstruse trailer for the Olympics. It being a two minute summary of Wu Cheng’en’s Journey To The West, better known in the west as MONKEY. The animated two minute trail takes a while to get on to the subject of the Olympics, and is subtitled Journey To The East - as that is what the BBC will be doing to cover the Olympics (DO YOU SEE). One assumes the music and imagery are largely based on the recent stage version of Journey To The West by Damon Albarn and Chen Shi-zheng, designed by Jamie Hewlett whose animation is unmistakable here. Fun that it is, it will probably infuriate a lot of people, and confuse anyone under thirty. Unless they know the story of the Monkey King all that well. Which they may have picked up a bit from Dragonballz, or seen the recent Jet Li, Jackie Chan film The Forbidden Kingdom. … read on …

MAMMA MIA IS AW(ful)SOME!!!

The tonal shifts in Mamma Mia are unsettling. The range of acting styles, from mugging through to camp are far broader than any film I have seen in years. The cinematography only occasionally lifts its head above competent and Meryl Streep should never, ever be allowed to wear dungarees again. But the soundtrack is terrific (even when being sung poorly by Pierce Brosnan) and the whole cast and crew seem to have such confidence in the quality of the overall product that it steamrollers you in its tracks. Mamma Mia is a terrifically entertaining two hours (even when it entertains for the wrong reasons: DUNGAREES STREEP), which is about 80% due to the songs.

Looking at this summers blockbuster fayre I think I have noticed a new trend. Namely the blockbuster aimed at middle aged women. Sex In The City and Mamma Mia seem squarely aimed at the 30+ female set, and unapologetically so. This is interesting because post-Jaws - this is an audience who have been generally ignored. … read on …

Cheap Shots: How To Stay A Head In Film Reviewing

Here’s how, from the Guardian website. You review Not Real Films…

One Of Our Insects Is Missing

GASP! FEAR! London has been attacked by ALIEN INSECTS. Just like the ones in Starship Troopers, these MYSTERY BUGS have tried to infiltrate and destroy planes. When interrogated by Dr Horrible, or other staff at the Natural History Museum, the bugs just shrug and PLAY DUMB. But what are these mystery deadly bugs* and what is their agenda?

It is remarkable that these insect have no match in the 28 million species horded in the British Museum** (Natural History Kensington), but the bug itself does look a bit unimpressive. … read on …