‘Hi everyone! I’m long-haired Canadian warbler Alanis Morisette, and I’m here to remind you that you “oughta know” that submissions for the Freaky Trigger Readers’ Poll 2014 are now OPEN! I thought I’d been uninvited to last year’s poll but it turns out there wasn’t one! How ironic*. Now all I really want – is to know your favourite songs of 2014!’
Thanks Alanis. The rules are very simple:
- Send your top 20 tracks to email@example.com by 11.59pm GMT on 31st December 2014.
- As with previous years, we will be lenient on release dates. If you think it was released this year, it probably counts. If something on your list is egregiously out of place we’ll let you know and you can choose something else.
- The order of your top 20 is important! Your #1 will be allocated more points than #20.
- If you can’t think of 20 songs then 10 or 14 or 2 is just fine.
*In the true spirit of Alanis, this term has been used incorrectly.
Its usage in the pinnacle of BBC light entertainment aside – what a record this is! The drum intro is played on the side of a rusty water tank. The noisy brass squawks like Pingu angrily trying to shoo geese off his lawn. The piano is straight out of a Chas’n’Dave pub knees-up, and the end of each chorus line is punctuated by Cher Lloyd’s grandma (subs check this) going ‘Ugh!’ All Shaggy himself needs to do is drawl along for the ride: sleazy, cheesy – easy peasy!
The Levi’s advert that propelled this to #1 has stuck in the memory for many: our hero takes on Pingu’s claymation form, effortlessly pulling motorbike stunts to save the damsel in distress from a burning building. The animated city itself has a similar feel to the spoof-robot-noir of Dick Spanner, as does our greaser’s chiseled chin.
Even the visual jokes are there: the roast pigeons coming back to roost on the telegraph line are exactly as subtle than the giant illuminated “SAVE ELECTRICITY” sign in Spanner’s metropolis. The advert is only a minute long, but still manages to cram in a number of other gags that would have been edited out of Police Squad for being too obvious – a firehose full of holes, a firefighter toasting a sausage on the flames, an oblivious nose-picking kid as one of the bystanders (which incldes someone wearing a Santa outfit for some reason?) and of course, finishing on a toilet joke.
The official video unfortunately contains none of these elements. Hence this can only be the third best song of all time! I wonder what could be at top spot?
Welcome back to part 2! See here for part 1.
5.58pm. A quick beverage pH check before the next round of experiments: the acidity of prosecco is 3, Badger’s Fursty Ferret is 4, a substance known as ‘Sainsbury’s Craft Brewed Lager’ is also 4.
Over the Bank Holiday weekend your band of trusty FT regulars held (by our reckoning) the SIXTH Freaky Trigger Food Science Day, a combination of careful experiments and shockingly bad puns, dedicated to our friend and FT poster Liz Daplyn.
2pm. Scientists begin to arrive at Laboratoire Crouch Hill, carrying with them various alcoholic liquids, pastry ingredients, gothic substances and a metric fvcktonne of cheese (or at least a close approximation of cheese). Time for the first experiment!
Club Action returns THIS SATURDAY!
Join DJ Chlorine & The Barnet Ape for a celebration of the best of German technobosh, Italo-disco, Russian girlpop, Swiss post-punk, Irish jigs, Serbian turbo-folk, Spanish holiday hits, Scandinavian hair metal, French house and of course UK Garage (and everything else that could possibly score douze points).
Special guest DJ duties fall to DJ MAXIMATOR who owns at least 7 different versions of Ça Plane Pour Moi and may well play them all at once.
WHEN: This Saturday! 4th May 2013, 8pm-1am
WHERE: New venue! Downstairs at The Hideaway Bar, 114 Junction Road, Archway (nearest tubes Archway/Tufnell Park, 390 & 134 buses both run all night)
WHO: 2 Unlimited, ABBA, Ace of Base, A-Ha, Alcazar, Alizée, Annie, Boney M, Björk, Black Box, Bucks Fizz, Cascada, Daft Punk, Europe, Falco, Giorgio Moroder, Girls Aloud, Infernal, Justice, Kraftwerk, Katy B, Lindstrøm, Lordi, Lulu, Margaret Berger, O-Zone, Plastic Bertrand, Praga Khan, Propaganda, Roxette, Röyksopp, Ruslana, Scooter, So Solid Crew, Stardust, tAtU, Teddybears STHLM, Todd Terje, Tomcraft and of course Yello.
PLUS: Early arrivals can expect a small amount of ORGAFUN (er, mp3s permitting…)
Ryan Lochte is never one to shy away from a good publicity stunt. He may have 11 Olympic swimming medals of various colours, but as you can see below his main talent is for getting people to look at him (this shot was taken for ESPN magazine).
HOWEVER I feel that Ryan has missed a key detail of this well-known tableau! I’m sure this will be rectified by the magazine’s photoshop department later…
Boo-hoo! Sob! Hallo Readers, I’m Harry Styles, one of the One Directions, the X-Factor boyband sensations who are worse than both Rebecca Ferguson and Matt Cardle, as proven by phone-vote-science. And yes, I am weeping my heart out because my one true love (with a record to promote) has just broken up with me (in the middle of promoting a world tour). Yes, I loved Taylor Lautner and her kooky smiles SO MUCH that I even took her to the Beatrix Potter World Of Adventures, where we went on Mrs Tiggywinkle’s Teacup Ride, and I threw up in her hair. Swift! Sorry — I meant Taylor Swift. We did see Twilight Breaking Up, I mean Dawn, together though. However it is now ALL OVER and I am a sad global heartthrob indeed. Who will probably have a song written about me called “He Was A Selfish English Twot” or something. Feat Nicki Minaj.
Anyway when I get depressed and need cheering up, there is nothing better than looking at year end best of lists which are bound to feature me and my band! When reflecting in such glory I like to think of all the people who took the effort to vote, you may not know it, but you’re beautiful. Seriously, I don’t think you’re ugly even if everyone else says you are. So, here are the top ten FreakyTrigger tracks as voted by you! What do you mean we’re not in it? And Taylor Swift is? You’ll be telling me next that a track featuring people hitting dustbins made the top five…”
Thanks Harry, if that is indeed your real name. I am sad to say that you and your fellow One Directions only garnered one vote this year. But without further ado and without any more spoilers from Master Styles, here is the FT Top 10 of 2012…
“Hi, I’m Sexy Thorin Oakenshield, and I like nothing more than a good sing-song, especially if it’s about gold. Sitting down, standing up — as long as transition metals are involved I’m not fussed. However I must say I was slightly disappointed in the ABBA Gold album, in that gold was only mentioned briefly at the end of ‘Thank You For The Music’. ABBA have a lot to learn from Spandau Ballet in that respect.”
Thanks Thorin. Let’s see if there are any ‘nuggets’ in part three of our countdown!