Posts from 15th June 2005

Jun 05

My Vagina Dentata Hell

Proven By SciencePost a comment • 244 views

Ulp. South African ladies Bite Back. With special downstairs teeth. And I quote:

It had been designed with engineers, gynaecologists, psychologists and urologists. It was “hygienic – no human hands will be involved in the manufacture”. In the event of rape, the device folds itself around the rapist’s penis, attaching to the skin with microscopic hooks. It is only when the rapist withdraws that he will realise the device is clamped around his penis.

For Alan

The Brown WedgePost a comment • 219 views

Mystery of urine stained books

This is a job for Hercule Pissoir. Or Sam Sprayed.

We will return to normal service writing about proper book related issues as soon as Ananova stop having quirkies about pissing everywhere.

The Tyranny Of Choice

Pumpkin PublogPost a comment • 378 views

Menus are strange beasts. I am out at a restaurant and one is plunked infront of me, and I flip through its many pages. It rarely occurs to me to ask the waiter “what’s best”. Clearly something on there must be. But then if the chef is cooking twenty meals at any one time it follows that
a) there has probably been prep work so it isn’t as fresh as could be
b) he is not spending as much time on my meals as I hope

Considering that there is not a foodstuff that I don’t actually like, then it just boils down to what I fancy on the day. And sometimes I just want something good.

Cafe Des Ami, on the river front in Hoi An works slightly differently. You turn up and are given a big thick menu. Except it is not a menu, its a book of recommendations from previous diners. You see there isn’t a menu. Just a seafood meal and a vegetarian meal. And a very smiley head chef Mr Kim. For 100,000 dong he will knock you up his four course meal du jour, and throw in two beers (this is about three pounds). He won’t tell you what it will be, and will brook no argument over the contents. To right, he is a great cook, and the meal is fantastic and if you don’t like it that is your problem.

I would like this to be extended elsewhere. Remove the tyranny of choice from me. Let me go and just be served a nice meal,like what would happen when I go to a mates house for dinner. But by pros. Let the chefs cook what they want to cook, to enjoy it and make it great.

The Unacceptable Face Of Racism

Proven By SciencePost a comment • 399 views

Yet again, grey squirrels are being blamed for the falling populations of red squirrels – this time in Scotland. And the BBC are going along with the jingoistic, nationalistic reporting in their article on the subject. Apparently grey squirrels are bringing in diseases which are not deadly to them, but decimate the weak and evolutionary dead-end red squirrel. Let us be brutally honest about Tufty’s species after all. It is a creature of the forest with bring red fur. Not exactly clever camouflage is it? Except for maybe a week in October. The grey squirrel is clearly superior to the red, more aggressive, better designer, tastier. But we have this idea that the rubbish red squirrel is British, and therefore is subject to invasion by these nasty immigrants. Soon the RSPCA will be joining forces with immigration officials checking foreign squirrels papers and probably giving them a blood test. This will probably lead to some sort of squirrel interment camp, a Guantanamo for the bushy tailed greys.

I say call in Secret Squirrel now, and sort out those reds once and for all.

Continue the Geldof Irritation

FT + New York London Paris MunichPost a comment • 333 views

Tom might have stopped but I shall continue, mainly cos this isn’t a Live 8 post at all. Apart from maybe a joke I’ll make at the end about flogging tickets on eBay.

Other members of the Boomtown Rats are going to sue Bob for unpaid royalties. I’m sure he has a few Live 8 tickets he can flog on eBay to make up the money. (see!)

13 Going On Rubbidge

Do You SeePost a comment • 258 views

There are plenty of stock film endings, which can be dusted off for service in your bog standard rom coms or sports films. Two in particular feature (poorly) in 13 Going On 30, aka Big For Birds (with slightly less of the creepy paedophilia angle). In 13 > 30 Jennifer Garner follows the Josh Baskin route of wishing to be 30, and wakes up thirty. Luckily this time the conceit also allows for the seventeen years to pass so her parents are not so worried, except by her becoming a bitch in the meantime. And the discrepancy between nice young Jenna and the unpleasant woman who has all she dreamed of is the motor that drives the film. That and a desperate number of musical montage numbers to pad the lack of gags and how serious this has all become.

Like the Bruce Willis family friendly flop The Kid, the film highlights that our thirteen year old selves would be disappointed with the grown-up us. Too right, I earn a good wage and blow barely any of it on sweets. Instead we ditch our best mates and become all business… However as a fantasy 13 > 30 also has to toy with the less likely truism of all Hollywood comedies: that the naive, know-nothing about business character will actually be a better business person that all them book-learnin’ professionals. So here comes the difficult stock ending one: Jenna has to redesign the fashion mag she works at. Much like Josh in Big having to invent a new toy, it all falls down at the boardroom stage. Josh’s interactive e-book-esque comic was a rubbish idea that life has moved on from. And Jenna’s redesign boots out the models and celebs in favour of “real people doing real things”. When these real things include supporting the local college football team and trying on comfortable clothes it is clear that this direction could only have been designed by the Dove marketing men as a joke. It is an embarrassing sequence in a film hewn roughly out of solid, cringeworthy rock.

But wait, we have not got on to stock ending two yet. Namely, her childhood friend who she NOW realises she always loved and he always loved her (blah blah) is getting married. Off she goes to tell him don’t marry her, take me*. The only way films usually manage to pull these moments off are if the bride/groom is a bitch/actually loves someone else/is gay (cf The Guru). Whilst you might root for the on screen couple, splitting a long term relationship on the strength of your old flame acting like a thirteen-year-old is a bit rough. Which is probably why it is just as well Mark Ruffalo does not dump his bride even if she is a bit rubbish to ask him to move to Chicago. Again this being a fantasy it allows a bit of time travel and an ending that REALLY MAKES NO SENSE. (If Jenna & Mitch have been dating since they were 13 why do they take 17 years to get married?) Its like The Butterfly Effect but bad (I can say that with a po-face). As for Hollywood portrayals of thirteen year olds, I think I’ll stick with Catherine Hardwicke’s thirteen.

*Not fuck me, she is mentally thirteen, something that yet again all age swop comedies tiptoe around. There is a slumber party where 30 year ond Jenna hangs with five 13 year old girls, dancing to Love Is A Battlefield which is a Michael Jackson courtcase waiting to happen. Which of course she would win so where’s the problem?