Posts from 28th March 2003

Mar 03

Tom’s Top Twelve

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Tom’s Top Twelve

Since we seem to be ‘back’, as it were.

SCOOTER – “Weekend!”
AVRIL LAVIGNE – “I’m With You”
HALL AND OATES – “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)”
DIZZEE RASCAL – “I Luv U (Wiley Mix)”
3LW – “No More”
JUNIOR SENIOR – “Shake Me Baby”
XTATIK – “Break”
BARBERA MORGENSTERN – “Kleiner Ausschnitt”
LISA MAFFIA – “All Over”
MAX ROMEO – “Pussy Watchman”

THE MONOCHROME SET — ‘The Jet Set Junta’

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Short, witty, and sharply cut, this is my idea of a good ‘political’ song, which I’m told we need more of right now. Like an editorial cartoon, it makes its point, jogs the memory, and raises a grim smile, and it’s over in two pert minutes of jangles, organ riffs and crisp singing. You could say — maybe you could even sing — ‘the collusion between our establishments and dictators is all the more invidious for having a social element’ — but the Monochrome Set do it more elegantly and catchily. ‘Vroom vroom goes the armoured Cadillac through Montevideo / Rat-a-tat go the submachineguns to restore the status quo / Snip snip go the tailor’s scissors on a suit at Saville Row.’ Elegance may be somewhat of a luxury, though — the song was not a hit.

Andrea Doria-Bucci Bag

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Andrea Doria-Bucci Bag
House music’s Bilderberg Group met in Miami last week and you can bet that Kissinger (Morillo) and Clinton (Fatboy) will have decided that this track is going to be one of the biggest of the year. It’s certainly one of the biggest electro-house tracks to date, and simultaneously one of the least camp. Bucci Bag is an obvious obvious record. The problem is that it’s only easy to dismiss it as that once or twice. The beat is similar to Silver Screen Shower Scene, though most of the rhythmic hoopla of the latter gives way for a gigantic 4/4 beat with every machine in the studio growling behind it. That wouldn’t be enough though, the real clincher for Bucci Bag is the sample. It rambles on for a while about fake designer clothes (or something, who cares really) and then as the beat drops out the vocal suddenly announces “and I am rrrrrready to rock!”, cue drink spilling and pogoing for the rest of the year.

The eternal trouble with this kind of track is that, while it’s easy to know the idea is about as original as showering in water, it’s still impossible not to be taken in by it. I have no doubt that this equation is the reason house music will never “die”, and the reason talk of a crisis was always slightly loopy. As long as there are camp voices to sample, throwaway cliches to use as the sucker punch for giant childrens tv fx loops, and Miami Music Conferences to tell us what to like, then everything is cool.

Increasingly irrelevant popstar blasts equally dull popstar for using cancer charity gig as a platform for anti-war views, whilst using said criticism as a self-aggrandizing piece of publicity.

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Increasingly irrelevant popstar blasts equally dull popstar for using cancer charity gig as a platform for anti-war views, whilst using said criticism as a self-aggrandizing piece of publicity. What is most amusing by this Laim gallagher create-a-quote is how it completely misunderstands part of Coldplay’s appeal. Of course he acts like a bloody student, he was a bloody student and his fans are to one extent or another equally hand wringing (ex-)students trying to balance their consciences in this increasingly complex world. For Chris Martin not to mention his anti-war sympathies, or his free trade bleatings is for him to act out of character. The kids at this gig have come to see Coldplay, not Chris Martin and his mates farting around and it would be an insult top the kids with cancer if they didn’t do the Coldplay schtick. Just as if Oasis yurned up and put in a professional performance with no tantrum, fights or the possibility that someone might not turn up – it wouldn’t be Oasis.

Mind you, that’s a happy thought.


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I find it most amusing that Ms Dynamite has been twitching around, galvanizing the yoof of today to be against war. Why is she called Ms Dynamite then, if she is anti weapons of mass destruction? No, nothing has been more heartening in these dark days than to see a steam roller driving slowly, steadily but surely over a small mountain of Dixie Chicks CD’s. Knowing that in their out of place comments at a UK gig has destroyed all those tiny weapons of aural destruction otherwise slated to take all the edge out of countyr and soundtrack a middle aged man knocking one out to their cover photo.

No, as sad as I am to say it – the war is good for my campaign against all music. It means all sorts of ambiguous records are banned from the radio (Bandages! by Hot Hot Heat – well it is warm in Iraq). Any Gangsta Rap that refers to weapons is suddenly off of our radio – ie all of it. Not only this but high profile musicians seem to think that they have a responsibility to help educate us about the complexities of the New World Order. Which is great because for all the time they are muppeting about on stage explaining why – you know – war is bad, they aren’t making music. And even when they do they have alienated some of their audience for their crass over simplifications. Ah how I long for the days of John Lennon’s bed-in, it was impossible for him to make a record like Destroying All My Fucking Karma when he was under a duvet.

War – what is it good for? Stoping music being made and censorship!!!! Yay!!!!