Posts from 11th January 2002

11
Jan 02

FROM THE “SUDDENLY THE REAL LIFE ROCK TOP TEN DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD” FILE:

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FROM THE “SUDDENLY THE REAL LIFE ROCK TOP TEN DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD” FILE: Metafilter users weigh in on worst band ever, results split between “all boy bands” and Creed. Be sure to seek out the post where Scott Stapp’s vocal stylings are compared to those of ‘Sebastion [sic!!!!] Bach’.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING TO?

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DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING TO? or YOU & ME ARE THROUGH

Not sure if this is real news to anyone, but Sarah’s snarkery regarding Bond Girls going P!O!P! (or attempting such an explosion) gives us a perfect opportunity to look at the lovely and overexposed Ms. Beyonce Giselle Knowles. The press at large would have you believe that DC = the Supremes, with Ms. Jelly (Giselle? Jelly?) slipping on the gloves of the one & only Ms. Diana Ross. Befitting these fast-moving times in which we live & spend, Beyonce’s decided to completely skip the “Lady Sings The Blues” / “I am a serious actress” portion of the music/movie crossover experience, to do that voodoo that she do so well (in “MTV’s Hip-Hopera Carmen”, which actually didn’t do the voodoo too well, unless you prefer your voodoo to stink like doo-doo, and your hip-hop to die a slow death like Blondie’s martians eating cars) on her way to setting up CAMP! (as Foxy Cleopatra). Gor blimey, guv. If, in five years, her acting bug gets her laid up in some Lifetime movie starring Vanessa Williams and Tina Yothers about a young pop star whose career is deralied by an unwanted pregnancy fathered by an abusive stock-trading wino clone … I don’t think ANYONE could handle that.

Last year, I was with you every step of the way, B – “Independent Women”, “Survivor”, “BOOTYLICIOUS”. (Dear God, “BOOTYLICIOUS”!) I should’ve known, when that ass remix of “Bootylicious” hit the TV, that something brown & stanky was aiming for a fan. (And then you went and PERFORMED the REMIX LIVE! Oh, girl…) From there, the landslide was inevitable – that Bee Gees song, the hip-hopera, the Christmas album (oh, girl…), and now DC going AWOL. It’s like watching Mariah Carey bloom and blossom into a ficus tree – it’s scary, it’s scraggly, and it will take a lot of work to make that thing look remotely palatable. “Butterfly” my ass – we’re talking gypsy moths here. If Ms. K isn’t careful, there might be a DDT cocktail in her future.

But, I digress. Would anyone care to take aim at Ms. Spears or Ms. Moore?

The lamentable cost of drinking in London

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The lamentable cost of drinking in London. In which Edward Sullivan (possibly the finest journalist working for the Evening Standard and the only pub & bar correspondant who seems to enjoy drinking) gives us a brief summary of what we already know. It costs too much to drink in London. He also offers a chilling view of the very near future: the ‘3 pint.

The thing is there are pubs in London which are genuinely cheaper. In all Sam Smiths pubs you can get a pint for under two quid, but if drinking that funny Ayangerbrau disturbs you there are still other locals which will sort you out. I always forget how cheap the beer is in the (now haunted) Lord John Russell. Gambrinus, a pint you will not see often in London, still only costs two thirty. Of course I am speaking from a landlords perspective here too. We don’t sell a pint over ‘1.90, and currently Carling will set you back ‘1.20. Deals are out there – so penalise the crap pubs.

I’ll see your Death in Vegas

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I’ll see your Death in Vegas and raise you one Sophie Ellis-Bextor auditioning to be a BOND GURL. I read this in the PRINTED PAGES of your Local NME, whereupon one tiny second of checking their source showed it to be on dodgy Bond fansite “Mi6” hem hem. NME! Reprinting the Internet! For the kids! Rah. FWIW, her boobs look HORRIFIC on the picture they have to compare this pop hampster to Salma Hayek (she says, guaranteeing Mi6 more hits than it’s evah had in its life).

There is worse out there

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There is worse out there than the guitarist from Faithless forming a new band. Richard Fearless, DJ and front-man of Death In Vegas has a solo project coming out. This is unfortunately since The Contino Sessions was wandering towards the infamous dance/rock crossover hell, therefore first cut from Fearless on his own wanders even further away from dance into bluesy rock. Remember that groundbreaking follow-up ro Screamadelica – Give Out But Don’t Give Up? Well it appears Fearless is ploughing much the same furrow. It should tank in the charts, but it is exactly the kind of “real music” that fools people like Jo Whiley into playing it to death. Is Richard Fearless the new David Gray? Surely by accusing him it may make him repent.

Nelly wants fans to adopt patriotic fashion

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Nelly wants fans to adopt patriotic fashion: good work Sir, bouncing back and all that. Except look deeper into the article (worth it for Nelly’s foolish facepaint) and we find that “It’s my new clothing line”. K-ching! In other Ananova news, the great balance of pop is maintained: the Black Crowes have gone “on hiatus” (hooray!) but the guitarist from Faithless is forming a new band (boo!).